Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particular attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up.
John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.
“This is my island!” – some idiot who didn’t realize it was Kim’s island, Survivor: One World
In the grand tradition of Thanksgiving (for our international audience, Thanksgiving is a holiday where Americans eat turkey and tolerate their family for a few hours before going out to buy shit on sale), Survivor gave us two episodes to gorge upon this week. They double-stuffed us, if you will. (Gotta be a better way to say that.) And they didn’t do it by scraping the bottom of the barrel for some leftovers they needed to get rid of; we got two legitimately good episodes!
Of course, at the end of those two episodes we lost some players I really enjoyed watching. But that’s something that happens every season except for Nicaragua and Redemption Island. Sometimes your favorite players take someone else out, sometimes someone else takes out your favorite players; it’s something everyone just learns to accept when watching this show.
But as you can imagine, in the course of two hours of episodes, there were some massive missteps. So if your Thanksgiving food coma wiped your memories of Survivor clean, allow me to be your guide as we stroll the halls of ineptitude.
Cornucopia of failure
There were plenty of players that made a solid case for a Dead Fishy this week. Let’s review:
Nominee #1: Tasha Fox
After being left out of Jeremy’s plans to save Stephen, Tasha informs us that “you get one opportunity to squeeze me out of the loop.” Well yes, Tasha, because generally by the second time you’re squeezed out of the loop you’re getting voted out anyway.
Tasha also made it a point to say that she and the others that gave up immunity for an improved shelter were unselfish. That greedy bastard Joe, on the other hand, decided to play for immunity rather than letting the tribe vote him out while also getting a nicer shelter. What an asshole that guy is, prioritizing the chance to win a challenge over the well-being of his fellow players!
Nominee #2: Stephen “Poopy pants” Fishbach
This is probably the last time I’m going to get to do this for you this season, Fishy, so you better bring out the big guns.
Last week, we saw Stephen inexplicably out-swim Spencer and acquire the vampire vote advantage. This week, it took just fifteen minutes into a two-hour block of episodes for Stephen to turn into a relentlessly crying, uncontrollably shitting mess. Abi-Maria even decides that his new nickname should be Poopy Pants. So much for the upward trajectory of Fishbach’s narrative arc!
But after Jeremy saved Fishbach by playing an immunity idol, the #SevereGastrointestinalDistress that plagued him early on seemed to be far behind him. Things were looking up again. Sure, they were looking up to a maximum of second place after Fishbach promised to be loyal to Jeremy to the end, but they were looking up. He even managed to win a reward challenge! Now he can thank his loyal ally for saving him from going home at the last tribal coun-
“I’ll bring Tasha.”
Fortunately, he got to select one more person and brought Jeremy. So maybe things were still looking up. As long as Stephen doesn’t break one of the most important rules of Survivor:
“…but I’m in a great position.”
Damn it, Fishbach!
Oh well. At least you’ll get to hang out at Ponderosa. Everyone seems to be having fun there, right Ciera?
Nominee #3: Abi-Maria Gomes
Abi-Maria, the world’s shittiest meteorologist, informed us that “first it was thunder, then comes lightning.” But while the inability to understand that light travels faster than sound is pretty bad, at least it didn’t affect her game. Unlike this:
Nominee #4: Joe Anglim
Let’s start with the challenges, the one aspect of this game where Joe gets to show off his greatest skill: throwing Kimmi to the ground.
But Joe isn’t just the Kevin Garnett of these strength-based challenges, picking fights against smaller/weaker people. I’m sure Joe can hold his own against people his own size, too.
Ok, well maybe not against that specific person his own size. But to be fair, Jeremy used to play football, so he knows how to tackle.
Ok, so maybe he also got tackled by someone who isn’t quite his size. But that’s Wentworth; she’s a strong ass chick.
Oh, for fuck’s sake, Joe!
Fine, so maybe that challenge wasn’t for Joe. It happens. And it’s not like challenge strength is the only thing Joe has going for him. He’s got a social game, too! He can tell these people anything and they’ll believe him. Like when he told Probst that he “totally considered it” when offered the chance to give up immunity to get a better shelter for everyone.
And Joe even offered a perfect explanation for why he didn’t want to give up the chance at immunity: It’s just rain. He can suck it up. Unlike these other weak asses he’s surrounded with. That’s what you call an A+ social game, kids. Learn from the master!
Nominee #5: Kelley Wentworth
I know some people say Joe is delicious, but damn, girl! They didn’t mean it literally!
And in the second episode’s reward challenge, Kelley got a clue that there was an idol hidden under the shelter. Unfortunately, she tells us, there were no opportunities to stealthily acquire that idol because people were constantly around. How do you not know the solution to this problem, Wentworth? I thought you were a fan of this show!
“Everybody leave the shelter, I have to poop. Right here. Where we sleep.”
Problem solved. Alternately, if you need people to not come into the shelter, just do what
I my roommate did in college: hang a sock on the doorknob.
Time to give thanks
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we’ve all gathered around to give thanks for the many failures these Survivors have provided us with. But one particular Survivor’s failures stood out above the rest this week. I’m sure this will just be another trinket to fill up the rented storage space that his parents already own to house all of his trophies, but Joe gets his first Dead Fishy this week. When even Keith is saying “Hey, fuck that guy”, you’ve really done something special.
Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins
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