If you’re thinking “this has to be the most obscure ranking of Survivor things I’ve ever seen on this site/the internet”, well… you’re probably right. When intrepid commenter Kemper Boyd suggested such a thing she didn’t realize that we’d call her bluff, and here we are. As for this being the most obscure ranking of Survivor things you’ll ever seen on this site, well… stay tuned. We’re pretty shameless.
During the run of Survivor Second Chance, Andy ranked the Survivor Kellys, giving me the opportunity to look to closely at the hand positioning of Kelly Remington in her photo and get mildly obsessed with how awkward they were, to the point I couldn’t look away. In the comments section, it turned out that Sweaterfan was now also looking at the hands of every one of the Kell(e)ys and obsessing over how awkward many of them looked. Other commenters asked if the hands on the hips is the standard pose for Survivor women and if all the men just cross their arms to show off their biceps. So I decided to answer those important questions by looking at the promo shots for each of the 460 Survivor players from each season (555 photos in total with returning players) and presenting to you the most awkward hands in the history of Survivor promo shots.
10. JT Thomas – Tocantins and Stephen Fishbach – Cambodia: Second Chances
Alas, Stephen Fishbach will never escape the shadow of JT Thomas. Even here, 6 years after failing to take out the golden boy, he can’t even bump him from this list. Rob Cesternino says that returnees take on a little of the winner of their season when they play a second time, Stephen decided just to take the awkward hands in the pockets pose from JT.
9. John Kenney – Vanuatu
Does he even have a second hand? I’ve seen no proof.
8. Dana Lambert – Philippines
A variation on the classic “What do I do with my hands?”, Dana has chosen a very solid look of snapping her braces (suspenders in your American parlance). If she lets go I worry for her nipples.
7. Semhar Tadesse – South Pacific
Hip position? Check. Unnatural arm bend? Check. Weird fingers? Check.
6. Judd Sergeant – Guatemala
What can you say about Judd, man? He doesn’t know what to do with his damn hands, man!
5. Jessie Camacho – Africa
This one is slightly cheating, it’s mainly her arms that are really awkward. But they are connected to hands, right?
4. Laura Morett – Samoa
Grab the trees, Laura. Just hold on to the trees, everything will be fine.
3. Scout Cloud Lee – Vanuatu
A classic awkward female Survivor promo shot pose, hands on hips or in waist of bathing suit, this variation with Scout using her basically pointless leather belt speaks to me.
2. Jonathan Penner – Micronesia: Fans vs Favorites
Oh Penner, no! Not the hat tip, anything but the hat tip.
1. Kelly Remington – Worlds Apart
Who could be number 1 but the woman who inspired this whole project? This is the only time in Survivor history Kelly Remington will ever be the best Kelly, and it’s for awkward hands. Sorry, Kelly.
Maralyn “Mad Dog” Hersey – The Australian Outback
I love everything about this pose. EVERYTHING.
(You can generally find Kemper Boyd in our comments section. But if that’s not good enough for you, she’s also on Twitter: @kemperboyd_)
Favourite seasons: HvV, Pearl Islands, Cook Islands, Micronesia, SJDS
Favourite players: Sandra, Kim, Courtney, Parvati, Yul