People’s Survivor blog: The profanity salad

This season, we’ve got a big surprise for you: Survivor host Jeff Probst will be stopping by each week to give us his thoughts on the show and the players.

People Survivor Blog by Jeff Probst

This blog post is definitely written by Jeff Probst, host of Survivor, and not that guy who wrote the People’s Survivor blog posts last season. It is most certainly not a parody, but if it were it would probably have been written by John. You can follow John on Twitter @purplerockjohn or @purplerockpod. And you can follow me, Jeff Probst, on twitter @jeffprobst.

Unlike my face, Survivor needs new wrinkles to keep things interesting. If we didn’t innovate, we’d be The Amazing Race. (Suck it, Keoghan!) So we’re always looking for ways to keep the game fresh and new for the fans and the 5 or 6 players each season that have seen the show before.

I get great suggestions for new twists from some of my closest friends. My friend Mayim Bialik (from the hit show “The Big Bang Theory”) sent me a Twitter DM saying we should make the immunity idols combine in some way. My great friend Tyler Perry (from “Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry’s How Tyler Perry Made a Madea Movie”) had texted me that great idea of making an idol that you could play after the votes were cast, which we did in Cagayan. And my close personal friend Dave Navarro (from Jane’s Addiction, a rock band) sent me a Snapchat of his balls with the caption, “You should hide the idols way up in a tree.” All of those were such great ideas that I couldn’t just pick one, so we’re doing all of them this season.

In this week’s episode, you got to see the first attempt at getting one of those idols. Tai found a clue in a tree that said “the idol is underneath this tree”, but the idol is locked up in a box- just like Mike Skupin might be soon! He just needs to get the key down from 20 feet up the tree.

Kaoh Rong- Tai asking how Ozzy did it so well

And just to answer Tai’s burning question about how Ozzy did it: Ozzy’s douchiness excretes through his fingers, and it’s really sticky- I shook hands with him once and we were stuck together for 20 minutes. He also has a ton of experience doing a combination hug/pelvic-thrust motion, so he can climb trees like a koala bear. A big, douchy koala bear.

I’ve said before that when we’re casting, we like to look for big characters (and also women who will say they’re the next Parvati). And Jason is one of our biggest characters. This week we got to show you the anus air freshener tattoo under his armpit. I admire his amazing level of commitment to a joke he thought of when he was 14.

Kaoh Rong- Kyle Jason has an anus air freshener tattoo
Tattoo artist: “Hey, just FYI- no refunds, bro.”

One of the other twists we threw in this season was making the water for the Brains tribe extra pathogen-y, so it was funny when Debbie thought she could tell it was safe by just looking at it. It turns out that Debbie wasn’t the cold, calculating liar I’d talked about last week, despite her indictment for falsified water tests– she’s just incompetent as fuck.

Sorry for dropping that f-bomb, but that leads into something that I wanted to discuss. A few Survivors have mentioned that I get a little off-color at tribal councils. Obviously, we cut those parts out because they aren’t fit for network TV. So this week I wanted to let you behind the curtain and tell you how tribal council works.

You’ve probably heard of the compliment sandwich technique, where you insert something negative between two compliments to soften the blow? Well at tribal councils, I use another food-based technique I call the profanity salad. Here’s this week’s exclusive profanity salad ™ from tribal council, which happened after Jennifer stepped up onto one of our seats to reassure her tribemates:

survivor-kaoh-rong-ep2-kindergarten-camp-podcast

“Jenny, what the fuck are you doing right now? Are you standing on my fucking furniture? Do I come to your house and wipe my filthy Brandon Hantz shoulder-massaging hands all over your shitty ass couch? Then don’t do it to my furniture! You sit your ass back down and you give me a fucking sound bite that we can use before they vote you out or I will buy a ranch, raise some cows, collect enough cow shit to make a couch out of it, FedEx that couch to your fucking house, and you’ll watch this garbage fucking episode while sitting on it!”

We have so much fun on this show.

That’s it for this week. But keep letting me know how you feel about this season. I love getting feedback from you guys! I haven’t talked to the people on the street yet, but I have been checking Twitter.

Kaoh Rong- tweet to Probst 1

Hahaha. Twitter is great. Speaking of Twitter, make sure to follow the Survivor Twitter account. The tweets come from Survivor creator Mark Burnett’s 15-year old nephew. And he’s got a great thing coming up that he tells me is called a “listicle”. Here’s a sneak preview:

Survivor CBS intern mistakes

John
Follow me:

John

John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He can get loud too, what the fuck!

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Cambodia
John
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  • Come On In Here

    I have a sneaking suspicion that this article was not, in fact, written by Jeff Probst.

    • How dare you.

      • Alkanarra

        Maybe if Probst had his own login account it might help stymie these groundless rumors once and for all. And in the fine tradition of Guest Contributor he could also use Drunk Jenn for his avatar.

        • That seems like a lot of effort for a guy that still doesn’t understand how to retweet things. But don’t worry, the Drunk Jenn avatar will be used again at some point.

  • Ms_Woozah

    I was doing pretty well, but I lost it at “Amanda Camel.” Bravo, Jeff Probst. You fucking fiend.

  • sharculese

    But, much like Anna, Mayim Bialik doesn’t believe in immunity.

    • Violina23

      Unless it’s the natural immunity provided by breastfeeding your kid until they are in kindergarten. Because that will totally stop Polio, and being voted out of Survivor, amirite?

  • Mike Hirsch

    Madea’s Meat Sweats.