To honor Survivor‘s battle of Millennials vs Gen-Xers we have decided to pit our own Gen-Xers (Andy and John) against our Millennials (Emma and Mark). Each week they will submit generation appropriate scenarios for the coming episode. Sitting in decision is Matt, born in the year that Survivor forgot. He will be ruling each week on which is the best scenario. Welcome to Judge Matt Decides.
In an effort to pick up the spirits of the tribe, Jessica makes each of the Gen X tribe a bracelet from loose string and beads. Paul gives a confessional about how it really made everyone feel better to get a little something that reminded them that they’re all important members of the team. He completely fails to see the irony.
Andy presents a compelling case, but is it actually ironic?
But Bender’s definition is only applicable to verbal irony. Situational irony is a situation that is strange or funny because things happen in a way that seems to be the opposite of what you expected. So clearly Andy’s correct use of irony reveals that he failed to learn the lessons of one of Gen-X’s great sages.
But in the end Andy is speaking for that most Gen-X of notions: that the only ship, is friendship.
The medical crew flies in, huddling around Paul. He’s laying on the ground, clutching his chest.
“It’s my heart, doc! Help me!”
Dr. Joe leans in for a closer look. As he does, Paul reaches to grab the acoustic guitar that Dr. Joe keeps strapped to his back at all times.
“Just fucking with you, I’m fine,” Paul says, springing to his feet. “Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.”
You might be sitting there, nodding and thinking “Yes, yes! Wonderwall! Perfect for those crusty old Gen-Xers!” But I have to rule against John. John had the scenario perfectly set up, and man it was going to be a hot one. He flew six inches from the midday sun. He was almost there. But he picked the wrong song. And that was not very Smooth.
As the supposed leader of the “freaks and geeks” alliances, Mari uses the impending showmance of Taylor and Figgy to try to turn everyone against them. However, she is then seen as slut-shaming Figgy for expressing her sexuality, and the rest of the tribe instead publicly shames Mari at the next challenge.
I think I need a trigger warning before ruling on this, so let us all gather together in the Purple Rock safe space. Look, slut-shaming is wrong, mmmkay? And I am frankly disappointed in Emma here for engaging in this behavior.
Look Emma, both Mari and Figgy can be strong, sex-positive women without turning on one another for engaging in flirtatious behavior. I think we all need to gather around and shame Emma for endorsing and engaging in this harmful stereotyping.
While the Triforce alliance tries to surf their way through Hyrule, the rest of the Millenials tribe is looking for a payday. Mari and Hannah team up to start a network of tree mail stations around Fiji, where you can place your island diary in a box and carrier seagulls take them to all the other islands. Sensing a brilliant idea, Mari exclaims “You know what’s better than a million dollars? A billion dollars!” to Jeff at Tribal and walks off.
Wait, surfers looking for a payday? I think I know what we really want to see here:
Of course, Mari in this scenario runs into the problem that all millennials face: how to monetize their ideas. The key is to find a way for old people (who have money), to give that money to the young people (who don’t have money), all while convincing the old people that they should pay for this service that was just offered to them freely. My suggestion?
While we are presented with a number of good scenarios here, I have to go with Gen X. They win an old VHS copy of the Goonies complete with network commercials from 1991. Of course, since the Millennials are from the participation trophy generation, they also win a prize. They win a torrented copy of Super 8 that will almost certainly infect their computers with tons of malware.
Do you agree with Judge Matt? Who do you think presented the best scenario?
- Andy - Paul loves his participation trophy (38% Votes)
- Emma - SHAME! (27% Votes)
- John - Anyway, here's Wonderwall... (19% Votes)
- Mark - Island Facebook (16% Votes)
Total Voters: 37
Favorite seasons: Micronesia, Heroes vs. Villains, Palau, Philippines, Pearl Islands, Cagayan