Judge Matt Decides: Millennials vs Gen X, week 3

To honor Survivor‘s battle of Millennials vs Gen-Xers we have decided to pit our own Gen-Xers (Andy and John) against our Millennials (Emma and Mark).Each week they will submit generation appropriate scenarios for the coming episode. Sitting in decision is Matt, born in the year that Survivor forgot. He will be ruling each week on which is the best scenario. Welcome to Judge Matt Decides.



Andy’s Scenario:

Political strife divides the Millennials camp as the Bernie supporters on one side get into a vigorous argument with the Bernie supporters that will still support Hillary in the general on the other.

The debate gets so heated that they unanimously agree to forfeit immunity to go to Tribal Council to settle it. Michelle goes home while admitting that she actually supports Jill Stein in her parting words.

John’s Scenario:

The Millennials are informed that three of them will be sent off to form a new tribe with three Gen Xers. Figgy, Taylor, and Jay volunteer. Once they arrive on their beach, the new tribe is allowed to give itself a name.

The 6-person Millennial and Gen X tribes arrive at the next challenge to face off against their new rival tribe: Harambe.


Judge Matt’s Deliberations:

Our two Gen Xers present compelling scenarios, but they fail to remember that it is a well known fact that primates are vectors for communicable diseases.  Their scenario presents a situation where the presence of Harambe (R.I.P.) on Survivor wreaks havoc on the compromised immune systems of the Jill Stein supporting Millennials.  And then we would just be left with the boring Gen X tribe.


Emma’s Scenario:

Everyone knows one of the hardest things about being on Survivor is the boredom. The Gen X tribe decides they need to fill their time, so they start their own zine. Here’s an excerpt of one of their articles:

It’s not until future seasons that this will take effect, but it turns out the Millennials have killed the fishing gear industry. Millennial castaways just don’t seem interested in taking fishing gear the way previous generations of castaways have been, instead choosing to take chickens instead. Most people view this as laziness, and wanting food just handed to them, but the Millennials we interviewed indicate something different. “It’s hard to take a risk on your ability to catch fish when you don’t know when your next meal will be,” said a 24 year old. “It’s easier for older people to say, they all got a bag of rice when they landed on the island. But now that everyone goes to the island, there just isn’t enough rice to go around.” For these millennials, investing in luxuries like a Hawaiian spear in hopes to get fish feels like too much of a gamble when compared to three chickens.

Mark’s Scenario:

Facing a week without apps and encouraged by Taylor and Figgy’s success, the rest of the Millennials begin trying to hook up the island wildlife with each other by throwing them left or right at other creatures on the beach. (The chicken protests because her soulmate is in Cambodia). Producers step in to fight spambots, but it turns out Hannah is just shoving a bunch of puppy butts into the mix.

Judge Matt’s Deliberations:

Everyone knows times are hard for our Millennials.  The economic opportunities that were there for their parents are harder to come by for their generation.  But what is the old saying?  Give a man a puppy butt, he eats for a day.  But teach a man to carefully breed chickens, harvest their eggs, inject them with super GMOs and raise their super mutant offspring, and he  takes over the world in a glorious flurry of chicken related maimings.

Judge Matt’s Ruling

Gen X came out swinging again, but I just cannot support anti-vaxxers, so I have to find in favor of the Millennials this time.  They win a free subscription to Spotify.  And of course since the Millennials won they want to hand out participation trophies, so the Gen Xers in our group win a new subscription to Columbia House!  They get 8 CDs each for only a penny, and now they are enrolled in a subscription plan where they are forced to purchase one CD a month at an excessive markup unless they remember to cancel.

Do you agree with Judge Matt? Who do you think presented the best scenario?

Who had the best scenario for week 3?

  • Andy - Bernie Bro Battle (39% Votes)
  • Emily - Gen X Zine (25% Votes)
  • John - Buffs Out for Harambe (19% Votes)
  • Mark - Swipe Right (17% Votes)

Total Voters: 36

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Matt has an irrational dislike for all contestants named Michel(l)e. Also if he ever takes a strong stance about why everyone else is wrong, it is he that is inevitably wrong.

Favorite seasons: Micronesia, Heroes vs. Villains, Palau, Philippines, Pearl Islands, Cagayan
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  • sharculese

    Pretty sure a Gen X zine needs more mis-used Marxist terminology and references to Steve Albini.

    • and more references to Riot GRRRRLs, right?

    • Purple Rock Emma

      Not when it’s a backdoor way to make fun of Millennial-themed think pieces.

      • sharculese

        So… mis-used Marxist terminology and references to Kanye West?

  • I am not a big gamer, but I do watch a lot of gaming videos on YouTube for some odd reason. Anyway, I appreciate the use of the Ace Attorney graphics, especially since Matt’s a lawyer.

  • DrVanNostrand

    The whole Harambe obsession mystifies me. I only know it’s a thing because some of my very young millennial cousins are constantly posting Harambe shit on Facebook. I voted for John.