Judging the Coolness of Past Survivor Pretty People Alliances

It seems like it happens every season: a group of young, hot castaways form a clique despite being the minority. Sometimes they find a way to run the game anyway, other times the outsiders band together.

We’re all nerds here (except Andy, or so he claims), so we have a rough idea about which of these alliances were the most successful and which ones crashed and burned like Mike Skupin. But there’s a more important question, one that has no easy answer: Which alliance of pretty people was the coolest? I did some investigating and found results that are 100% objective and indisputable.

Malakal Couples Alliance

micronesia-parvati-james-ozzy-amanda-malakal couples alliance
Amanda: Hooked up with the popular guy, +50; Beauty queen, +30
Ozzy: Jock, +40; Declared love in front of an audience, -25
Parvati: Sabotaged best friend’s relationship, +80; Ditched popular friends for outsiders, -100
James: Tall, +30; Against girl power +15
Total: 120

Cool Kids Alliance

survivor-caramoan-eddie-reynold-allie-hope-cool kids table
Reynold: Great at throwing things, +75; Ironic mustache -40
Allie: Douchebro negged her on TV, -20; Likes Survivor, -175
Eddie: Knows first aid, -30; Dream is to open a dog bar, +200
Hope: Very pretty, +60; Graduated college summa cum laude, -30
Total: 40

Young Ogakor

ogakor-australian outback-jerri-colby
Colby: Jock, +40; Nice to older women -15
Jerri: Spread a rumor about fellow tribemate, +70; Failed to attract the object of her affection, -50
Mitchell: Tall, +30; Too tall; -35
Amber: Young, +20; There, +0
Total: 60

Jabaru Clique

survivor-amazon-heidi-rob-alex-jenna
Jenna: In a sorority, +35; Swimsuit model, +65
Alex: Winning side in a love triangle with Shawna, +50; Told the truth, -10
Heidi: Looks down on those less attractive than herself, +40; Has high IQ, -25
Rob: Funny, +5; Super fan of Survivor, -300
Total: -140

Raro Alliance

cook islands-nate-adam-parvati-candice-raro alliance
Nate: Provides network-approved diversity +60, Cool hair, +10
Parvati: Flirts a lot +15; Hot tubs with two attractive dudes, +40
Candice: Attracts a misfit after showing minimal kindness; +10, Lets Adam kiss her, -50
Adam: Gets to kiss Candice, +50; Has his face, -30
Total: 105

Savaii Couples

savaii alliace-keith-whitney-elyse-ozzy

Keith: Bullied the nerd, +20; Homewrecker, +40
Whitney: Was on two reality shows, +25; Cuckolded husband, +40
Ozzy: Older jock, +20; Pigtails, -40
Elyse: Doesn’t do poetry, +15; Was the jock’s second choice after the chick who does poetry, -30
Total: 90

And there you have it folks. Parvati’s alliance is the coolest of all the alliances. In second place? Parvati’s alliance. Hard to argue with that.

Emma
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Emma

Emma is the token chick of the Purple Rock Podcast. She has watched the show continuously since the second episode and is pretty sure she's never seen the pilot.

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Micronesia, Cambodia, Cook Islands, China, Philippines

Favorite players: Courtney Yates, Parvati Shallow, John Cochran, Cirie Fields, Yul Kwon, Kim Spradlin
Emma
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  • The pretty people’s alliance in the Gen X tribe is Ken.

    • gouis

      That’s why he was left out of the scheming! Off by himself being beautiful.

      • sharculese

        That’s also what he’s gonna tell his kid when he gets asked where he was the first five years.

  • Other Scott

    From this we deduce that Eddie is the coolest person to ever be in one of these alliances. Which makes perfect sense.

    I also deduce that Eddie is the only reason the Cool Kids alliance was cool, as otherwise they were really in the negatives.

    I’m pretty tempted to ask for the No Collars alliance in Worlds Apart (Jenn, Hali, Joe, Shirin), but we all know Shirin sinks it.

    • I would say if you take out Shirin, it is extremely high especially since Jenn and Hali were perceived bullies towards Nina.

      • It’s taken a really, really long time, but I now realise Jenn and Hali were wrong to boot Nina. Purely because if it hadn’t been Nina, it would have been Will. I wish it had been Will.

        • Wasn’t Joe a vote against Nina since he signed “I love you” in his vote? I thought the girls were still split voting.

    • Assistant Dragon Slayer

      And Rob the least cool. Nailed it.

  • EmAndScoutInBK

    Love this. Solid reasoning, hard to argue with the results. Parvati’s alliances would have to win. However, should we include the Africa Mallrats alliance in the analysis? It seems like they would be one of the originals and one of the clique-iest.

    • I agree here. I would say that the may be the first iconic “cool kids” alliance.

      • andythesaint

        Yeah, if this was a historical analysis of the trend, the Africa and Marquesas groups would need mention. But this is not that.

  • andythesaint

    Here’s the basic formula for a Cool Kids alliance in Survivor:
    1. Alpha Bro
    2. His Bro
    3. The Alpha’s showmance
    4. Her friend

    In The Amazon, Jenna and Heidi were the bros.

    • So who was the “showmance” in that equation?

      • andythesaint

        Alex.

        • Wait, I thought he was with Shawna. Do I need to watch Amazon for the first time?

          • andythesaint

            Yes.

          • To be honest, I know that I watched the finale, but that was because Heidi is from my area.

          • Assistant Dragon Slayer

            Sorry to cross the streams, but BJ isn’t participating in the Australian Survivor comments: Hey @disqus_GpYJ355BVM:disqus: Apparently Flick (either #1 or #2 in the power ranking at this point) is dating Benry’s brother or some such. What’s up with that?

          • I think that was brought up in the Wiggle Room if I am not mistaken. I knew that Benry was/spends a considerable amount of time down under because he is close with Ami who lives and works in New Zealand, so I’m not terribly shocked.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            As in Ami Cusack? How did Benry end up close with her?

          • Yes, that Ami. Also, I don’t know how they ended up close. Maybe she got him on the show?

          • sharculese

            Shawna and Heidi were both fighting for Alex’s affection, which was mooted when Shawna got voted out, and then, in the only time where I’m transferring Survivor gossip to you, Alex and Heidi hooked up at Ponderosa.

          • The Gossip Queen gets scooped, nice!

          • Purple Rock Emma

            I wonder how Cole Hamels feels about that.

          • sharculese

            I’m pretty sure Cole Hamels knows Heidi wasn’t a virgin when they met.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            I just like to talk about Heidi being married to Cole Hamels.

          • Black Dynamite

            It’s an really interesting path for a gym teacher to take.

          • HBO CEO of Tits

            Philly twitter has taught me to hate Cole Hamels.

          • Hornacek

            “Had to cram it in somewhere.”

            Hey-oh!

          • andythesaint

            Then, of course, he married Kim from Africa.

          • Black Dynamite

            I’ve learned a lot more about Alex today than I ever thought about him in my life.

          • Black Dynamite

            Watch Amazon immediately. A top ten season. I’ll wait here ready to talk about its awesomeness.

          • If only I didn’t have to watch South Pacific…which I am actually sorta enjoying.

          • Black Dynamite

            Fine, finish that and then enjoy Amazon without the feeling of being a couple episodes away from having to drink the funny kool-aid.

          • But, won’t I have to drink the Rob C. kool-aid?

          • Black Dynamite

            Well…yeah but that’s a good thing.

          • I guess. I mean I did buy TEOS before I had listened to any of his podcasts…so I guess I had already drank a little bit of it.

          • sharculese

            Little tip for if you’re gonna watch Amazon – when CBS made seasons available on streaming platforms they didn’t bother repaying for the rights to any of the players’ musical performances from the old seasons, so Rob’s iconic confessional when he votes of Roger is cut. If you’re gonna stream that, make sure you Youtube Rob’s bit. It shouldn’t be hard to find since it’s in the funny 115.

          • Thanks for the tip!

          • Assistant Dragon Slayer

            But I just watched Sekou perform at the Cook Islands finale!

          • Hornacek

            You haven’t watched Amazon? Drop everything and watch it. We’ll wait for you until you get back.

          • Hornacek, you don’t realize how many seasons I haven’t watched. You see, true millennials binge watch seasons or impatiently look up what happened on Survivor Wikia or listen to a spoiler-filled podcast that tells you who wins what season because you were desperate for Survivor content (cough PRP season rankings cough).

          • Hornacek

            But didn’t I see somewhere else on this page that you were currently watching South Pacific? If so, stop watching SP, watch all of Amazon, then watch it again with Rob and Jenna’s commentary, then start watching another season, hopefully forgetting all about South Pacific.

          • But I’m watching it with a friend. I think Amazon may be a next summer rewatch, because I would like to get all of the modern seasons rewatched before Season 34.

          • Hornacek

            If you’re making a friend watch South Pacific then that friend may end up not liking you anymore.

            Just trying to save your friendship.

          • No, no, no…she is a completist. She wouldn’t let me quit Nicaragua…I think she can handle SoPa.

          • Hornacek

            I’m saving the email link to this comment to come back to in a few months time when your friendship is on the rocks because she won’t stop saying “Why did you make me watch that awful, awful season?”

            Although I guess, if your friendship survived Nicaragua, you’re safe with any other season.

          • Fair enough. However, I have the ability to pull the rip cord on our rewatch. But I may need that for OW.

          • Hornacek

            Pull that OW cord now!

          • Alycia Swift

            Fully agree. Amazon is a much better season than South Pacific. And I did not like Jenna or Heidi and liked Sophie.

          • sharculese

            I watched everything from Africa to Blood vs. Water in the span of the start of San Juan del Sur to the premier of World’s Apart, but maybe you lack my poor decision making skills and terrible sleep patterns.

          • prettyboyprobst

            I was so desperate for podcasts about the older seasons that I listened to what little was available from the Survivor Historians back on my initial binge-watch through the seasons.
            I tried to fast forward and/or sing over whenever spoilers for later seasons came up, but that didn’t work to well and I got spoiled a lot.

          • Yeah, the Historians is a minefield for spoilers.

          • Kemper Boyd

            WATCH IT

          • It’s next. Hopefully next week, which will be nice to finally watch that particular season.

  • Ms. Sweaterfan

    “…crashed and burned like Mike Skupin”
    I <3 you

  • Roswulf

    A fine reminder of how bizarre Cook Islands is- the season where Ozzy isn’t in his natural place as one of the least cool members of a pretty douchebag alliance.

    • andythesaint

      Well, AFTER the swap at least. Pre-swap, he pulled off a signature cool kids move: throwing a challenge to get rid of the fat kid he had ostracized.

  • Side Character

    Andy is a nerd, whether he admits it or not. He’s Canadian (which makes him a nerd automatically), and he’s friends with an accountant, two people who wear glasses, and a Survivor reject. If nothing else, he’s a nerd by association.

    Seriously, though, you’re all cool. So, to stroke your egos, who’s the coolest of the PRP gang? Discuss.

    • corndogshuffle

      Well, Emma and I are nearly identical in age. If there’s anything I’ve learned so far this season it’s that people who are my age are better than people who aren’t. So I say Emma is the coolest.

      • The logic is airtight.

        • corndogshuffle

          My logic is usually airtight. I’m like you and Andy. I’m never wrong.

    • Purple Rock Emma

      We did rank our nerdiness. We’ll have to do coolness tomorrow.

  • Alycia Swift

    Love this. Made me laugh a lot. Only exception – being in a sorority should be a -35. 🙂

    • Purple Rock Emma

      The rankings would be very different if it was based on things I think are cool. But what can you do? Science is science.

  • Mike Hirsch

    Reynold should get more than +75 for being good at throwing things at things.

  • indescribable hat

    No frat points for Rob C.? This list is amazing.