People’s Survivor Blog- Not Just Pretty Faces

This season, I’ll be judging entire generations based on a random sample of Survivors. I’ll be paying particular attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up.

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockjohn.

“It’s like the cool kid lunch table back in high school, in that we’re peaking right now.” – Eddie Fox, owner of Bar(k)

Two episodes in, and already the Failure Tree is bearing fruit. Allow me to serve as your guide through the many deficiencies of these Survivor players. Keep in mind that my judgment is harsh only because I know that I, a blogger sipping on coffee while sitting at a keyboard, could do much better.

Ken

mvgx-ken-shy-sometimes

“I’m shy sometimes, and it’s something that’s plagued me my entire life.”

Look, I understand. I’d have trouble talking to people too if they were always staring at me and thinking I was incredibly handsome. So awkward!

I can only imagine what your social media must be like, Ken. People constantly ogling you and commenting on your body, even when you’re posting about spending time with your daughter. People jumping into conversations you’re having to tell you that you’re an idiot, with the implication being that you can’t be so pretty and also have intelligent thoughts. People sending you unsolicited nude pics just because they think you’re attractive. You’re probably being treated like some kind of…woman.

david-and-ken-before-after

Ken also formed an alliance with David the Walking Panic Attack, a bond cemented by standing in the same pose side-by-side like the before and after pictures a personal trainer would use to attract new clients.

Then, having joined forces with The Awkard Nerd, Majestically Handsome Ken brings CeCe to his side. What is he, some kind of Adonis-bodied social justice warrior, using his sculpted abs to bring power to the disenfranchised? Is he specifically pandering to the Purple Rock audience?

Taylor, Figgy, Jay

purplerockpodcast-millennialsvsgenx-episode2-lovegoggles
Michelle: “Laugh, my little minions, for I am your queen! Note my slanted, dopey-ass crown.”

The Tri-Force is the harmonious union of Power, Wisdom, and Courage. Or, in this case, the harmonious union of Horny, Pretty, and Third Wheel.

Figgy, who is Not Just a Pretty Face, has gotten close with Taylor. Well, as close as Figgy’s pretty face will allow. Because even though she’s more than a pretty face, it’s a very pretty face. And it can’t be ignored. You have to acknowledge it, even while acknowledging that there is much more to Figgy than her very pretty face.

Having a burgeoning romance, Taylor and Figgy could be a power couple. But it’s Taylor and Figgy, so just “a couple” is probably a more accurate descriptor.

mvgx-hannah-figgy-taylor-you-guys-are-so-pretty
But they’re not *just* pretty, Hannah.

Their alliance, as structured by Taylor and Figgy, includes Jay as the third member and Michelle as the fourth member. Fourth member of the Tri-Force. Instead, Michelle- a woman who adamantly believes there is a worldwide conspiracy to hide the existence of dragons- is the ringleader of the alliance.

Adam

mvgx-adam-confessional
(Pic borrowed from True Dork Times because googling “Survivor Adam” just brings up pics of that douche from Cook Islands)

I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE MORE OF ADAM’S PERMA-SCREAM CONFESSIONALS. IS HE HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS? I WON’T KNOW FOR SURE UNTIL HE SHOUTS THE ANSWER AT ME.

DID YOU KNOW THAT HE’S ON R/SURVIVOR? HE MENTIONS IT IN HIS “GET TO KNOW ADAM VIA HIM YELLING AT YOU” VIDEO. I WONDER HOW AGONIZING IT WAS FOR HIM TO WADE THROUGH THE OFFSEASON SHITPOSTS BEFORE THIS SEASON’S CAST WAS RELEASED.

David

What a growth arc for David! He went from covering his ears at the sounds of chopped bamboo to carrying a rock like a big strong manly man. Then he made friends with Handsome Wonderbeast Ken, and he was so excited that he decided to show Ken the vagina-shaped rock he’d found:

mvgx-immunity-idol
They’re really trying to undercut the sexist Probst thing by not making the idol a phallic symbol.

Not only that, but David’s team won the immunity challenge this week. And sure, he may have struggled immensely with his portion of the challenge. But to be fair, David struggles immensely with just about everything. So congratulations, David! Celebrate this win with your team.

mvgx-david-all-alone-during-challenge-celebration

Hang on. Zoom in on that a bit.

mvgx-david-sad-after-challenge

Look at him! He’s even scared of victory! Or celebration. Or hugs. Possibly all three.

Hannah

mvgx-probst-peeking-at-hannah-voting

She took so long to vote that Jeff had to come check on her, like you do when your 4-year old has been on the toilet for too long and you’re verifying he didn’t shit out his intestines.

And the Dead Fishy goes to…

This is an easy one. Can you imagine if Phillip and Natalie had formed an alliance in Redemption Island and thought they were running the show? That’s Taylor and Figgy right now. And Hannah is Ralph, agonizing over how to spell their names.

dead fishy trophy

Taylor and Figgy, this Dead Fishy is yours to share. May you continue to be awful at this game for weeks to come.

John
Follow me:

John

John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He can get loud too, what the fuck!

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Cambodia
John
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  • Max_Jets

    The new layout looks amazing!
    But to keep things relevant: #faylorforfinaltwo

    • andythesaint

      No idea what you’re talking about. Nothing to see here…

  • Mike Hirsch

    That shot of David with his head in his hands is a thing of beauty. A thing of sad, pitiful beauty.

  • sharculese

    Haven’t had a chance to read this yet cause I’m running out to work, just wanted to say that I love the new look.

    • That’s definitely not a thing that you saw. These are not the Survivor blogs you’re looking for.

      (Still doing some testing. But it’s coming soon.)

      • sharculese

        Is that why I can’t make the picture of Chirps not show up twice?

        • Yes. Sorry about that.

      • Alkanarra

        Gotta stuff some widgets in that sidebar. I’ve been instinctively trying to fix it and keep getting met with Sunday Sunday Sunday and the VIP entrance. Which, while demonstrating awesome dedication to a page 0.01% of the readership will ever see, is driving me crazy. A man can only take so much Sunday.

        • You should’ve seen past images at the VIP entrance. It’s basically just another method I use to troll the staff here.

          Let me know what kind of widgets you’d like to see, because that right sidebar area will indeed have them.

          • Alkanarra

            Widgets in general are pretty dumb, actually. They take up space on the page and offer an endless stream of back-end update prompts that, when you do update them, wind up breaking some other component and suddenly nothing formats properly.

            So I’d say keep it to the basics: Popular/Random/Recent articles, twitter posts, maybe an archive. If you’re hiding tags (or want to bother going back and re-tagging posts) then you could use something like Post By Tags to create a tag-based menu, which is great for organizing things exactly as you want. In theory your analytics will tell you how many people visit the older stuff and whether or it’s worth using the space to advertise. There’s also My Social Counter if you care about showing off the size of your e-penis, but that’s a paid widget and I’d say never to bother spending money on that stuff. (The twitter/rss/amazon icons on the right are unobtrusive enough that I don’t think anything else is really necessary.)

            The more bloat you throw out there, the longer it takes to load and the more points of failure. Disqus is already an albatross, so keep it sparse or remove the right sidebar altogether and just let the top-most menu do its thing.

          • My thinking was that I’d have a categories drop-down, our Amazon link, and maybe the Twitter feed. I don’t get into widgets in general. (Plug-ins, on the other hand…)

            Our Disqus actually isn’t too bad. We use Disqus Conditional Load so it doesn’t eat up resources/kill page loads.

          • Alkanarra

            Yeah, that sounds good. And yeah, you gotta pimp that Amazon link, at least until you open the Purple Rock Shop and start circulating some sweet hoodies and mugs with Andy’s face frowning on it. It’ll practically pay for itself.

          • Sylvisual

            I’ll get right on that…

  • Assistant Dragon Slayer

    Huh. I completely missed that awesome shot of post-challenge David because I was too distracted by Michaela, over on the other platform, looking thoroughly over it before the challenge was even finished.

  • CasualFan

    I will always hate the Dead Fishy award design because even though it makes fun of Will, it also reminds me of Will’s existence which is just too high a price.

  • Violina23

    “like you do when your 4-year old has been on the toilet for too long and you’re verifying he didn’t shit out his intestines”

    That hasn’t happened, but I did once catch her washing her hair with hand-soap.

    I think Figgy & Taylor & Michelle all get it for thinking “tri” means “four.” I’m still stuck on that.

  • corndogshuffle

    ADAM AND ANNA KHAIT SHOULD HAVE BABIES TOGETHER THEY WOULD BE THE LOUDEST MOST PRETTIEST BABIES EVER.

    • Sylvisual

      BUT THEY WOULD DIE DUE TO LACK OF VACCINES.

      • corndogshuffle

        AT LEAST THEY WOULD DIE OF TUBERCULOSIS INSTEAD OF AUTISM.