If there is one thing Americans love, it is voting. You tell us there is a chance to vote, and we turn out in droves. Unless it’s for something we don’t care about, like politics. But when it comes to important things, we take voting very seriously as long as voting requires the absolute lowest amount of effort. And do you know why? Because all of us want to make sure the most important voice is heard: our own.
Rob Has a Podcast– the second-greatest Survivor podcast on the internet- crowns a Miss and Mr. Survivor every year (with “every” meaning this one and last one in the case of Mr. Survivor). It’s a pageant that pulls its candidate pool from the two Survivor seasons that aired in the most recent calendar year. And much like actual Survivor, there is no official criteria for deciding who deserves your vote.
With that in mind, I present this critical, intensely serious analysis of the 2015 Miss Survivor race between Tasha Fox, Kelley Wentworth, and Natalie Anderson. I’ll break down the strengths and weaknesses of each candidate, based on incredibly scientific categories developed in cooperation with the world’s leading research universities. Candidates will be judged both on their performance in the debate round and in their individual interviews. Judgments in each category are handed down by the preeminent authority on judging all things Survivor: Me.
Tasha: When asked about what qualities the other candidates have that would make them a good choice for Miss Survivor, Tasha said Kelley “definitely looks like all of the previous Miss Survivors.”
Natalie: Says Kelley should be “Miss Ponderosa.”
Kelley: Kelley says Natalie beats the “voted out before the merge” thing to death. Boo. Sweep the leg, Kelley! You’re too nice for this category.
Winner: Natalie. Tasha’s point is valid and strong, but Natalie’s hate game is strong.
Like a tanning bed (the exact opposite of throwing shade):
Natalie: Natalie’s criticism of Kelley, besides Kelley being voted out so early, is that “Kelley is kind of like an introvert.” So she’s kind of like 90% of the people voting? Know your audience, Natalie!
Winner: Kelley wins, because you just reminded all of the shut-ins listening to the podcast that Kelley is just like them.
Skills completely incapable of paying the bills (a.k.a. the talent competition):
Kelley: Kelley’s talent was taking mean tweets in stride. Funny, and I get the reference, but the people didn’t troll her well enough to make the tweets entertaining. Kelley’s haters failed her.
Tasha: Holy. Shit. Two things: 1. Watch Tasha flip the switch and go into cheerleader mode like it ain’t even a thing. She even sticks the landing by throwing in spirit fingers at the end. 2. Choreography! With backup dancers!
Natalie: She can lip synch. As long as you aren’t much of a stickler on the “synch” part.
Winner: U-G-L-Y, you ain’t got no alibi. Your talents can’t compete with Tasha.
Entirely out of context quotes:
Natalie: “No, I love taking it.”
Winner: I’m not going to bother looking for other out-of-context quotes. Twinnie winnie!
Accuracy of Survivor assessments:
Assessing Survivor is our game, and we’re territorial so we’d prefer that these attractive women that have been on the show not step on our turf. However, they were each asked in the debate who their favorite female player (excepting winners and themselves) was. Their answers:
Winner: Tasha. And it’s not even fucking close. Cirie is the best.
Natalie: Natalie offered to swipe right (or left, whichever the good one is) on Tinder for any nerd mentioning Survivor or RHAP in the profile. This earns an A+ for pandering, but as a married man I will not be able to exploit this opportunity. So her pandering is missing my demographic, unless of course she’s down to be a third wheel. And if that’s the case, A++ for pandering and we can shut this category down right now.
Natalie also offered free babysitting services for the Mr. Survivor candidates to allow them to be more active as Mr. Survivor. Unfortunately, she didn’t expand this babysitting offer to include people who voted for her. If she’ll come watch my kids, my vote is hers. Plus, I bet my kids would love hanging out with a Twinnie for a night. She could teach them to curse like sailors!
Tasha: Tasha promises to get J’Tia to send Rob the package that she promised in the most hostile exit interview I’ve ever heard. Intriguing.
Kelley: Kelley doesn’t want to make promises she can’t deliver on, but she says she’ll be active and involved for the fans. Not in the way that Natalie is offering, though.
Winner: Natalie. She’s over-promising and will definitely not deliver on any of that, but who cares? I’d rather have an exciting empty promise than a predictable reality.
RC is without a doubt the worst ever Miss Survivor. Not only is she the worst Miss Survivor, she’s also just plain the worst. She won Miss Survivor in an election that some- like me, right now- say was rigged. (You expect me to believe she won a fair election against Kim “Survivor Goddess” Spradlin? Get the fuck out of here.) She then proceeded to never appear again on Rob’s podcast or promote it in any way.
Natalie: Natalie actually compared herself to RC and Andrea. Never compare yourself to RC, unless it’s to state how much better you are than RC. However, she does point out that she’ll be very available because she’s unemployed.
Tasha: Tasha has been silent on Survivor-related matters on Twitter for a long time before becoming a Miss Survivor candidate. Once she got a nomination, she’s been churning out tweets, clever videos, and expending effort. But will she keep it up if she wins the tiara?
Kelley: Her RC potential can best be described as non-existent. She’s not going anywhere, and she actually interacts with fans of both Survivor and Rob’s podcast.
Winner: Kelley in a landslide. There is zero RC potential here. She owns a t-shirt promoting Rob’s podcast.
It’s a close call this year, unlike last year’s competition between Andrea, Candice, and Ciera. So who will get the coveted Purple Rock Podcast endorsement? Follow us on Twitter (@Purplerockpod) to find out. (I’m actually not trying to build suspense, I’m just not posting the answer here because I don’t know yet.)