To wrap up our summer re-watch of The Amazing Race 7, we decided to cover the most ridiculous part of Survivor ephemera this side of Rob & Amber: Against the Odds. Because, it could be fun?
You can watch below, then read mine and Emma’s running conversation during our watch. Or try to do both at the same time? Is that possible? Is it even advisable given that we have no time stamps?
Andy: Before we get started, I guess we should set the stage for people. First off, other than being the token chick of the PRP, why were you the best choice to do this live watch with me?
Emma: I’m getting married!
Also I work for an unspecified publication that discusses weddings.
Andy: So, other than those two things, I totally would’ve gotten Matt to do this with me. Because we’re not sexist or anything.
Emma: Matt has certainly been to a lot of weddings.
Also, a third reason: I’m the only staffer who participated in your TAR7 rewatch. Thus I am invested in what happens to these two crazy kids.
Andy: And maybe you’ll get some wedding planning tips! (You will not get any wedding planning tips).
Emma: I am the dispenser of wedding planning tips.
Andy: Have you ever watched this special before?
Emma: I have not!
Andy: So first time for you, first time since it aired for me. (AKA, my second time).
Emma: You mean you don’t watch it every year on Romber’s anniversary?
Andy: I didn’t even know it was available to watch until you found it.
Emma: Those damn millennials.
Andy: I am an old. Does not occur to me to check YouTube.
Last thing before we start, everyone knows where I stand when it comes to Rob & Amber. Where are you with them?
I think they’re a fun reality TV pair. Not a huge fan, don’t hate them.
Andy: Did you enjoy them on TAR? Hate them? Indifferent yet want to watch them get married?
Emma: Like you, they are why I started watching TAR. But I also was mad at Rob during All-Stars because Lex is from my hometown.
Andy: Sold him out for a stack of greenbacks.
It is also important to point out that you were a literal child.
Emma: Indeed I was. I apparently wasn’t invested enough to watch their wedding when I was like, 14? But apparently these are the ways I spend my free time now.
Andy: Alright, let’s do this.
Emma: BOSTON STYLE
Andy: Smokin haht
Emma: The music on this is wild.
Andy: I don’t think it’ll get better. Or can it?
Emma: Depends on your definition of better.
Andy: SO DRAMATIC!
Emma: I like the “They only have four weeks to put it together” when there is so clearly planning that went into it beforehand. They already have the venue. They’ve had more than four weeks.
Andy: Fun fact: they won a trip to this resort by finishing first one of the four times they did so on The Amazing Race. I’ve always chosen to believe that they exchanged a knowing look when Phil announced that like “we’re already going there”.
Emma: Who is that man and why is his shirt halfway unbuttoned?
Ah, it’s Oprah’s party planner.
Andy: Ah… the casual gay panic of the early aughts.
Emma: I was just gonna say.
Andy: I’m not sure we spent more than four weeks planning our wedding. I mean, we probably did, but what do I know?
Emma: Yeah but you got married in Vegas. And you weren’t trying to invite 500 PEOPLE
Andy: Selling out all his Survivor friends probably cut down on the guest list.
Emma: Oh I cannot wait to hear Rob’s handwritten vows.
Andy: THE BIGGAH THE BETTAH
Andy: 4 pounds of meat!
Emma: I’m making my fiancé handle the food too. That’s for everyone’s good though.
Andy: What’s great is that Rob knows he doesn’t have to pay for the food. He’s ordering for leftovers.
Emma: Always playing. Rob: Cares about one aspect of the wedding. Colin: “He really has a lot of opinions.”
Andy: Probst should be on that jet ski. I’d lose all my shit.
Emma: How hometown and humble of Amber to have a family friend do the wedding.
Andy: Even though she’s a millionaire!* (*Until Bush Jr took half).
Colin has little experience with beaver. Got it.
Emma: Amber’s right about the “and guest” thing. As long as they’re not in serious relationships or whatever.
Andy: In which case, you should know their name?
Emma: Exactly. I got “and guested” when the fiancée was a groomsmen and I had known the bride since college. I was pissed
Andy: Bitch betta recognize
Emma: We were already living together! And she’s wealthy and Southern. She should have known better.
Andy: Brian and Greg just drove by when Rob was stuck. Didn’t even stop.
Emma: Haha. Not really sure why Rob would need to be there that long anyway, to be honest.
Andy: Is this before cellphones?
Emma: Like, sometimes the groom comes by at the end to bring a bouquet of flowers, but that’s it.
LOL and that’s what he ends up doing anyway!
Andy: I’ve been to Boston!
Emma: I’m kind of excited to meet the rest of the Marianos. They’re going to be so Boston.
Andy: It’ll be like Dianne’s family in BoJack.
Andy: Rob lied to everyone on that island, Amber.
Emma: OMG her Louis Vuitton purse. This is so fucking mid-2000s I can’t stand it. Incredible. I had a knockoff just like in in black when I was 14.
Andy: He’s so worried his Boston brothers will call him queeah.
Emma: Yep. I was kind of relieved all he said about the guy was that he looked like he was from Ireland. Like, is that a euphemism I don’t know about?
Andy: Probably a Boston thing.
Emma: Those shoes were too pointy though, he was right about that part.
A house in Florida is a hell of a surprise.
Emma: I cannot imagine Rob saying he would love to have a painting from some artist one day.
Andy: There’s no way that painting wasn’t commissioned for the show.
Emma: Unless it was that actual Red Sox painting they saw in the bar. How convenient that he painted the Red Sox!
Andy: PS – I’ll be disappointed if there’s less than 2 Sully’s in Rob’s group of buddies.
Emma: They’re at Tommy Bahama I’m dying.
Andy: I hope he has a special BoSox hat for the ceremony
Emma: Little on the nose, Colin, don’t you think? Rob pulling a Rudy
Andy: The gay panic in this is like a lost Friends episode.
Emma: Wouldn’t it be easier for Amber to just wait until the Red Sox were back in Boston at this point?
Andy: THERE’S NO TIME!
Emma: Oh heh, I featured Z Gallerie in a registry article.
Andy: From the Bahamas, to Penn, to Boston, to New York, to L.A., to Florida… efficient!
Emma: There are no furniture stores on the East Coast,
Andy: So… Boston Rob got CBS to furnish his home as his “gift” for their show. ALWAYS. HUSTLING.
Emma: #goals. Wait, I think that’s my dining set.
Andy: Seriously, he’s always finding an angle. Even with his wedding.
Emma: Maybe this is how I can get a new chair to replace the broken one. Z Gallerie circa 2004. Such a big obstacle for Amber to get in touch with the Red Sox. No way that CBS got involved at all.
Andy: SO DRAMATIC!
Emma: Leave it tah Beavah
Emma: !! Don’t let them paint the room red, Rob.
Andy: That’s like a gothic horror plot.
Emma: Red room, red room. Over there. (replace that with Frinkiac for the blog)
Andy: I was hoping he’d drop a Jane Eyre reference. He sometimes surprises with literary references.
Emma: Masculinity is so fucking fragile.
Andy: What if people think we’re ladies because of our yellow paint?
Emma: Can’t call it “firefly,” it’s gotta be “kickass yellow.” OMG, Bronson Arroyo LOL.
Andy: This was back before Johnny Damon sold out.
Emma: That Trot fella was right that they’d do it again.
Rob with The Christmas Story reference.
Andy: So… would you like it if you had no say in your furniture? OR decorating your home?
Emma: Probably not. I think I’d care more about the paint. I would be more okay with it if I knew that CBS was paying for it.
Andy: Of course, the trade off is that it’s all free (provided CBS declared them as “gifts” rather than “winnings” so as to avoid taxes).
Emma: He did acknowledge she’d probably change everything… but I bet they could sell it to help pay for the replacements.
She should have just let Rob deal with the tasting so she could cover her dress. Assuming she doesn’t have strong opinions about the food.
Andy: I’m guessing they were contractually obligated to appear together.
Okay how dare you judge Colin’s outfits when you’re wearing that shirt, Rob.
Andy: Did he get it at Tommy Bahamah? Amber looks very nice, FWIW.
THAT IS THE MEAT FROM THE CHALLENGE!
Steak for hundreds of people? Bad idea.
Andy: It’ll be overcooked.
This sounds like Christian Rock.
Emma: It’s almost like you need more than a month to have a very extravagant wedding. And yes it does.
Andy: I skipped out on writing vows. Didn’t want to try and work with the format under all that stress.
Emma: I helped write my friend’s vows during her bachelorette party.
Andy: Instead, wrote a long-ass speech for the reception instead.
Emma: Oh good, everyone loves those.
Andy: It will shock readers that I wasn’t brief.
Emma: I have a good chunk of vows written, but if the Dodgers win the World Series I’m going to have to rewrite it.
Andy: I now have a rooting interest.
Andy: Are you having a mixologist?
Emma: Huh, didn’t realize specialty cocktails were this old. Oh yeah, you know how I love cocktails.
Andy: I went with “coke and ice”
Emma: Yum, alcohol! THAT’S A HORRIBLE IDEA, AMBER.
Andy: We also had a champagne punch. I have no idea how it tasted. What are their kids names?
Emma: Nothing says personal like spelling “island” with a z. Pretty normal. Just very Italian.
Andy: I think the Rose had a zed.
Emma: Whatever, my point stands.
Emma: Kill me.
Andy: We had no dancing at our reception. Life hack.
Emma: Oh fuck that.
Andy: We only had the room for two hours. Then they hosed it down and sent in the next couple.
Emma: Half of my venue stress was guaranteeing enough time for dancing. My coworker said “People would think an alien took over your body if there wasn’t dancing at your wedding.”
Andy: I spent a solid ten minutes picking my wedding ring. Second time ever buying jewelry. (First time being her engagement ring, naturally)
Emma: Of course.
Andy: Wait… oh god.. there was a promise ring in a past life. Shudder.
Emma: Don’t think I forgot about the promise ring. I was trying to preserve your privacy.
Emma: I’m surprised they were all willing to wear “I heart Rob” shirts.
Andy: I’ll bet that on the back of the shirt is “But not in a queeah way”. But… nice callback to the All-Stars reunion.
Amber’s niece is named Emma!
Andy: Just like you! Your completely real name!
Amber’s dress is kind of boring. But she looks nice in it and it will be good for a beach wedding.
Andy: She’s pretty
Andy: Just my type.
Emma: You mean a woman?
Andy: You know me.
Emma: I do.
I have rhythm. Just another way I’m superior to Boston Rob.
Andy: I think Rob is kinda right about rhythm, btw.
Emma: Oh definitely. The Italian music in the background while at the Marianos is killing me.
Andy: Someone is gonna get whacked.
Do you think he practiced saying “AmbER”?
Emma: I do now.
Andy: When we signed our certificate at a downtown courthouse, there were people waiting outside asking us if we needed a chapel.
THE FORMAL BOSOX HAT!
Emma: I’m crying. It’s so beautiful.
Andy: Ambuh has to be stingy with money to support his crippling gambling addiction.
Emma: She’ll be so glad he spent thousands of dollars on earrings that look the same as ones she spent dozens on.
Andy: CBS’ money tho
Andy: Someone is scuba diving under that boat putting marlins on Rob’s line.
Wait they show all the footage? That’s so weird.
I love that he’s jealous she went to Spring Training. “Funny you should mention a house, Amber…”
Andy: So Rob’s crying was a THING in the TWoP days. Because so many of those people hated him SO MUCH.
Emma: “He’s touched by a gift from his bride! What a jerk!”
Andy: But here’s the thing: it’s not just because sports are one of the only areas that men are allowed to express emotions. It showed that Amber GOT HIM. Which can be a powerful thing. Especially since society tells men that they’re giving everything up to get married and tie themselves down. Patriarchy hurts us all, man.
Emma: I swear to god that’s my dining set. This is tripping me out. Well the chairs. Not the table.
Andy: She’s not gonna let him hang that painting in the bedroom tho.
Emma: I have three Giants posters in the bedroom.
Andy: How many Dodgers?
Andy: So… for as many titles won in your lifetimes?
Emma: Exactly! (His side of the room is blank though, it’s more of a lack of effort thing.) Wait, did she take the Panama sand at the time, or did she fly out there just for some sand?
Andy: Unclear. Maybe before the dress fitting?
Emma: Rob giggling at “breast” in the poem. AMBER IMITATING HIS ACCENT
Emma: I’M NOW A STAN FOR AMBER. Tell us more about the patriarchy, Amber. Standards of beauty are unreasonable.
Andy: I thought about getting a straight razor shave on the day. But then got lazy.
Emma: On brand.
Andy: Kim fell asleep while they did her make-up. (I did shave, if people are worried)
Emma: It was going to keep me up at night.
Andy: The aquamarine is a bit dated. (Right? Back me up here)
Emma: Yeah. But weddings that aren’t dated are dull. Like you don’t want to be too trendy, but at a certain point you have to accept that something is going to be out of style later.
Andy: Compare these to the 27 different bridesmaids dresses you’ve worn, Emma.
Emma: I have worn one bridesmaid dress. You are vastly overestimating how many friends I have.
Andy: You… sure talked about it a lot then.
Emma: IT WAS VERY EXPENSIVE AND GAVE ME A RASH. THERE WAS A LOT TO COMPLAIN ABOUT.
Andy: I also celebrate the entire Katherine Heigl catalogue.
Emma: IT’S HAPPENING!
Andy: We also had a gazebo lined with flowers. I’m just like Rob.
Emma: Are those not shells? Oh, it’s both.
Andy: Pre-HD. Hard to say.
Emma: That’s a large bridal party. I wonder what it’s like to have friends?
Andy: I’ll never know. I do like that none of them are TV friends.
Emma: Yeah, that’s nice.
Andy: SMAHT. Mos def on that patience and compromise part, Rob.
Emma: His vows aren’t bad actually. ALL MY HAHT.
Andy: He IS a published* author.
Emma: ROBERT! I notice she didn’t promise to give him a son.
Andy: Buncha little Ambuhs. I like her hair.
Emma: The bridesmaids dresses aren’t too bad. They’re lucky they weren’t brighter like the reception colors.
Andy: Any final thoughts on her dress now that you’ve seen it in full?
Emma: It looks like something that could be from Reformation. (I realize this means nothing to you).
Emma: There’s nothing “wow” about it, but it’s flattering. The sleeves work. I’ve certainly seen worse from that era.
Emma: RAY AND DEANA
Andy: I wonder if they’re the only reality TV friends. Since the camera went to them twice.
Emma: Yeah, maybe. They liked Ron and Kelly but…
Andy: Can’t invite them both. One or the other.
Emma: I don’t think I like Amber’s veil.
Andy: This is making me hungry. Making you queasy.
Emma: Big ass cake.
Wow okay Amber let’s maybe not say “white, just like I like” ever again.
Andy: Isn’t Rose the middle name of all their kids?
Andy: Good thing it isn’t Roze
Andy: Rob is not wrong about his rhythm.
Emma: Upon closer inspection, I don’t think I like the material of her dress. The sleeves seem to be different than the bodice and that’s weird. Probably comes with being made by a family friend in a month.
Emma: Oh thank god it’s over.
Andy: So, how does that compare to other reality TV wedding specials? I’m guessing… longer?
Emma: I have never seen another reality TV wedding special.
Emma: I assume the Kardashian ones have more celebrities and drama. But yeah, way too long.
Andy: How about wedding shows in general? Or do you mostly just stick to the dress stuff?
Emma: Mostly just dress. It’s been a while since Four Weddings. And as the name might suggest, that gives you four weddings in an hour.
Andy: I’m, sadly, aware.
So my final thoughts are:
- Cheesy AF.
- They’re still sweet tho.
- Rob conned CBS to furnish his home.
Emma: That about sums it up. Also it’s interesting how there was hardly any focus on the decor, choosing the wedding party, bridesmaid dresses, etc. So much was about the food, which we hardly ever write about at work.
Andy: Like, your whole company, or just you?
Emma: Whole company.
Andy: Because I can’t imagine a piece about food written by you.
Andy: I’m guessing that was the segment where Rob was giving them stuff for the camera. But you’d think they’d go decor because then they can sneak in advertising.
Emma: Yeah. Like, not one word about centerpieces?
Andy: Have you picked your centrepieces?
Emma: My mom is doing them. We’ve discussed ideas. There’s a Pinterest board.
Andy: I’ll rest easier now. I’m happy they didn’t do a sequel for “Rob and Amber Have a Baby”. Note: another former Survivor winner DID televise her baby-having.
Andy: Vecepia was on an episode of A Baby Story.
Emma: Huh. How about that.
Andy: Fun fact. Any last thoughts?
Andy: Alright, I’m off to not research the upcoming season of Survivor.
Favourite seasons: Heroes vs Villains, Cook Islands, Palau, The Amazon, Cagayan
Favourite players: Boston Rob, Kim Spradlin, Tony Vlachos, Cirie Fields, Yul Kwon, Rob Cesternino
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