Survivor Game Changers Diss Track: Troy

In hip-hop music, a diss track is a song that demonstrates a rapper’s disdain for another rapper. This season, I’ll be serving as a hype man for several players from Game Changers. Troy is not one of them.

There are many, many reasons to be excited for Game Changers. I’ll be covering those reasons soon. But before we dive headfirst into unmitigated joy over seeing some of our favorites again, I’ve got to get a little business out of the way.

When we were drawing random names of players from the Game Changers cast to profile and analyze, everyone was openly rooting for me to draw Troy. I get it. It’s fun to troll me. One of the long-running inside jokes among Purple Rock staff is my hatred of the most mediocre of Survivor players. And Troy is mediocrity incarnate. He’s so mediocre he had to give himself a nickname- and he chose a nickname that references Tarzan, which was hilariously already claimed as a nickname on his season.

Between this and the refusal to ever use purple rocks again, it’s like Survivor is trolling me specifically.

The poor nickname choice was the first of many, many times Troy was punked in One World. You’ve probably forgotten them all by now. That’s understandable- Troy was very forgettable. He was so forgettable, in fact, that a narrative sprang up that Troy was the only person to present a challenge to Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin. This happened for two reasons: 1) People instantly forgot a lot about One World because it kinda sucked, and 2) Troy was doing his best to popularize this ridiculous narrative of himself as the guy who played hard.

To be fair, I’ll concede the point that Troy plays hard. But Troy is the person who is dealt a hand in poker, then responds by taking a match, lighting the table on fire, and yelling “Monopoly, motherfucker!” It certainly looks like he’s playing hard, but I have no idea what the fuck game he thinks he’s playing.

Unlike Troy, I’m not just going to present the argument that Troy sucks at Survivor and fail to provide any evidence that supports it. Let’s look at the data: Troy’s laughably awful performance in One World.

Mental giant

During One World, Troy competed in a memory challenge against Kat. And before I go into much detail about that challenge, let me refresh your memory about Kat.

You may remember Kat as the woman who thought appendicitis was contagious. In her defense(?), she only thought that because she didn’t know what an appendix was. If you’re an obsessive Survivor fan (and you’re here, so…yes), you may have heard that Jeff Probst did an interview with Chuck Klosterman in which he mentioned that in a recent season, they had cast two people with IQ scores so low that Jeff was actually worried about how those individuals got through life. The season he was talking about was One World. One of the people he was talking about was definitely Kat. (I’d love to say the other is Troy, but it’s not. It doesn’t take a low IQ score to be terrible at Survivor.)

Now that we’re back from that quick tangent, let me tell you how the Troy vs. Kat challenge went. The challenge was simple: look at a display of eight objects, pull a lever that hides the objects once you’ve memorized them, then run back to a mat about 10 feet away and try to recreate the order of the objects you’d just seen. It’s not complicated.

Well, it’s not complicated for most people. But this is a matchup of Troy and Kat. So when Probst unveils the objects for Kat and Troy to memorize, this happens:

Probst is stunned by the stupidity. Kat is stunned by the stupidity. Let that sink in: Kat is stunned by the stupidity.

But what if Troy is actually a savant? Maybe he has insane visual memory skills and he just-

Nope. Troy is, in Probst’s words, “not even close.”

When Kat is also (predictably) wrong, they do another round against each other. And another. And another. In all, they do seven rounds- the approximate number of rounds Kat would need to correctly spell cat if you spotted her the C and the A.

And in the end, Kat beats him.

“This is my island”

Years before Carolyn in Worlds Apart tried to make “Yeah baby” her personal catch phrase by attempting to say it in as many situations as possible, Troy was desperately trying to make “This is my island” a thing. You may have hazy memories about him saying it after winning an immunity challenge. But Survivor, in an effort to promote Game Changers, slightly exaggerates how important that moment was.

Whoever wrote this is my mortal enemy.

I understand the need for promoting your show and getting fans excited about the upcoming season. But “from the best seasons” and “all-time greatest Survivor moments” are both qualifiers that should exclude this from the list. The two things I can’t dispute: The man pictured is indeed named Troy, and he did claim the island was his. So let’s go back and fill in some more details about this “all-time great” moment.

It’s now day 27. Troy, having been punked by Kim, is fighting to stay in the game. What would a good Survivor player do in this situation? Winning immunity would certainly help, but it would help to also build some sort of coalition- even a temporary one- if you want to target Kim and keep her from controlling the game.

At the auction, Troy buys himself an advantage in the upcoming immunity challenge- sure, he started the bidding at $300 for the item he needed more than anything else, but he won the auction and he’ll only have to compete in two of the three parts of the challenge. He then becomes the first player to advance to the final round, meaning he’ll have a 50/50 shot at winning imm- wait, hold on, Troy has something he wants to say.

“This is my island. You can’t beat me.”

Troy takes a page from the Trump book of coalition-building: call yourself a winner, and belittle anyone that isn’t on your side. You’re not going to believe this, but it does not seem to go over well with the four women on the bench. Perhaps he should have just pointed at Kim and yelled “EMAILS!”

Anyway, he’s still got one round left in the challenge. The crowd on the bench is actively rooting for Tarzan to beat Troy for reasons I can’t possibly understand since Troy is a lovable underdog. But in defiance of their hopes, Troy wins immunity! Great job, buddy! Now go collect the immunity necklace from Probst and- oh, wait. Hold on. Troy has something to say again.

In case you can’t or won’t watch the video, here’s a summary of what Troy says to the people he’ll need to align with if he wants to build a coalition and stay in this game: “Don’t fuck with me. I wasn’t even trying that hard before, but now I’m going to win every immunity.”

In response to this outburst, Kat says, “You just lost, like, nine members of the jury.” Survivor is a game you win by convincing people to vote for you at the end. Kat grasped this concept. Troy did not. Quick reminder: This is Kat, seen here playing a game of “What kind of dessert is this?” She guessed “potato”.

Sure, you may point out, Kat suggested that Troy just lost nine members of the jury even though there were only seven players being subjected to Troy’s ranting and raving. But in fairness to Kat, counting is really, really hard.

Game changer!

Regardless, Troy is immune and put these people on notice that he’s going to keep winning immunity. Now, I don’t want to spoil it for you, but- oh wait, no, I definitely want to spoil it for you because it makes me so happy- he immediately loses in the first round of the next immunity challenge and is promptly voted out.

After the glorious moment when Troy’s torch is snuffed, he leaves us with these parting words: “The fans out there I know are gonna love my game, and hopefully they’ll appreciate it.” Speaking as a fan, let me just say: Nope and nope. And there’s evidence that proves it!

Always the (old white) bridesmaid

Troy was on the short list of players that fans could vote in to Survivor: Cambodia. There were 15 men eligible to be voted in (Mike wasn’t eligible after winning Worlds Apart), and 10 got on the show. Now, I’m not going to claim that the voting was perfect- since the cast didn’t mirror my ballot. But Troy had a different take on why the voting was imperfect.

When he talked to the Survivor Oz podcast about Cambodia‘s cast- the one he didn’t get enough votes to be on- he said, “You’re telling me that America and the rest of the world perfectly picked this cast? Two Asians, two African-Americans…a gay guy…you’ve got a Hispanic in there.”

“There’s no way CBS is gonna say, ‘Ok, we’re gonna leave it in the hands of our voters and then we’re gonna have all old white guys play.’ That would never happen in a million years. People would be in an uproar!”

The host then goes on to tell him that he got 11th in the Survivor Oz audience poll. That had to hurt. But surely he fared better elsewhere, right? Actually, he got 14th in Rob’s poll. He got 15th in r/Survivor’s (love you, Survivor reddit!). He got 16th in mine. But, you know, rigged system!

Committed to his terrible beliefs

But that’s not the only ridiculous claim Troy has made publicly! He has also expressed the opinion that Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin isn’t great at Survivor, despite having the words Survivor Goddess in her name. Until Tony deservedly got inducted a few months ago, there was only one single-season player in the Survivor Hall of Fame: Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin. So telling people she sucks is an interesting take. Still, I’m sure this isn’t just some blatantly incorrect theory Troy pulled out of his ass- that would be so unlike him! So let’s go back and check the scoreboard, via another trip down One World memory lane.

It’s after the merge, and the reward challenge is “Touchy Subjects”, the challenge where you determine which of your fellow players best fits a certain description. Kim was the majority’s selection for the following questions: “Which person do you trust with your life?” and “Which person would you most like to be stranded on an island with?”

That seems like pretty resounding praise for someone that isn’t very good at Survivor! I’m sure the group had even higher praise for Troy, though. Remind me: Which question was it where the majority answered Troy?

Ohhh, right. That one.

I assume those ladies just got confused- you know, because they’re just silly women and all- and thought that “poser” was a compliment. After all, this was Troy’s island! He told them so! And clearly it sunk in, because when they axed him out of the reward challenge, this happened:

It’s actually funnier when Hateful Garbage Person Alicia says it.

When it came time to vote for a winner of One World, Troy was only one of two people to not vote for Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin. The other non-Kim vote was from Leif- the person most people suspect was the other low-IQ player Probst was worried about. And given his take on diversity, I bet it’s not the only deplorable vote Troy has ever cast.

But despite the data from the Cambodia fan vote showing a clear lack of interest in more Troy, we’re getting more Troy anyway. Which makes sense, because if we’ve learned anything recently it’s that the popular vote doesn’t matter.

I, too, would put a question mark at the end of that sentence, Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin.

By now, you’ve hopefully been thoroughly convinced (or reminded) that Troy is awful at Survivor. So prepare yourself for this horrifying thought: There is no greater goat in the Game Changers cast; he’s virtually a lock for zero votes at a final tribal council.

And I’d bet almost everyone not named Troy knows it.

John
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John

John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He is still not sure if it was just a f*%king stick.

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins
John
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  • Black Dynamite

    Troy is an idiot. This will take him far. Troy is so damn awful that he’ll somehow ruin his best chance to make the final. The only island Troy owns is the couch he should’ve never left.

    My Prediction: Post Merge Boot

    Previous Predictions
    Varner: Post Merge Boot
    Andrea: Winner
    Tai: Pre Merge Boot
    Caleb: Pre Merge Boot
    Sandra: Pre Merge Boot
    Cirie: Post Merge Boot

    • Alkanarra

      While this scenario is likely, I hope they remember that Troy was a *super* bitter juror and not give him that chance again. Normally someone like him would make a “you guys are morons I told you Kim would win” speech and then vote for her to stroke their own ego about how prescient they were, but he was so bitter he couldn’t even do that.

      • Purplerockmatt

        That is how I would pitch a vote for Troy early on. He is a super bitter juror and you don’t want him sitting there because you don’t know what idiot will get his vote

      • purplerockandy

        He can’t be a bitter juror if he’s sitting next to you in front of the jury.

    • Maritimer

      As much as I want him gone early, I agree this is the most likely. Why in Gods name would they waste a vote on such a non-entity until they absolutely had to. Unless he annoys the hell out of them as much as he does the rest of us

      • Diego Armando

        That is my thought too. Why target Troyzan early? You can beat him, he can carry heavy things and he is pretty dim.

    • Roswulf

      The hope is that Troy bumbles his way into a minority alliance on a split tribe that loses a lot (because he’s an idiot, and as John notes, counting is hard), and then gets targeted early by the majority over better players because he’s a challenge liability and no one wants to spend any more time with Troy than is absolutely necessary.

      But yeah this seems likely.

    • Diego Armando

      I think he will last longer than we want him to. I think he gets taken out Post Merge as a challenge threat. I would put him at 18-19 on most likely to win.

  • Roswulf

    What I’m getting from this, is that this is Troy’s island.

    • Hornacek

      “Troy’s Island” is my least favorite Paul McCartney person-owning-a-location song, just ahead of “Junior’s Farm”.

  • gouis

    Would Troyzan winning be worth it for John’s reaction?

    • gouis

      The answer is no, no it would not.

      • Kemper Boyd

        I’m glad you answered this yourself. Troy being a Survivor winner would ruin the show for me.

        • I’ve put way too much thought into this, and I can’t figure out a group of 5 people that would vote for Troy to win. I’m fairly confident that he can’t win.

          I’m also fairly confident that he can make it to the end, because he sucks.

          • Alkanarra

            At 55, he’s also the oldest person this season, even older than Tai (baffingly). It’ll be easy to see him not as an immunity threat compared to everyone else and therefore a strong goat.

            On the other hand, the problem with him as a goat is that he’s going to try to be aggressive and make plays to prove himself, and that’ll likely piss off the actual majority. Easy to see them cutting him out like Aubry did to Debbie because he’s just not reliable.

          • Purplerockmatt

            I see Troy as the type of goat that could really hurt you if you try and carry him the whole way, not because he could beat you (he can’t) but because he could disrupt your plans and everyone’s perception of you

          • Alkanarra

            Absolutely. That’s why I don’t see him actually making it to the end. He’s too desperate to prove himself and will ultimately be more trouble then he’s worth.

          • Purplerockmatt

            Right, but he could totally Abi-Maria his way to top 7 or so

          • Alkanarra

            That’s my thinking as well. Right up to the point where there’s too few people to risk him going all Charlie “Wild Card” Kelly on you. Unfortunately you’ll lose his vote, but better that then the game.

          • sharculese

            Tai seems older than he is because he is a series of sticks tied together with sunbeams.

          • Assistant Dragon Slayer

            Yeah, and given the number of hotheads on Mana I can easily see them agreeing to put the game on pause for a round just to get rid of him, a la Hunahpu and Drew Christie.

          • Kemper Boyd

            I agree but life is hellhole right now so I’m nervous

  • Kemper Boyd

    Troy makes every single other bad casting decision on this season look fine. FFSDT? nah, whatever. Culpepper? yeah he’s a douche but yeah I guess he’s fine. Troy? THIS IS THE WORST.

    • I was just thinking that Culpepper weirdly fits into this theme because of his spin on how Redemption Island worked that season. At least we can say that Culpepper did a few things right his season, unlike Troy.

      • Alycia Swift

        Yes, he did get his wife to burn the clue for whatever that’s worth. It was not done before and has not been done since (so I now wonder if there is a rule against it).

        • I think BvW is the only season where burning the idol clue would have worked because of how idol clues were handled. However, I believe that if you have the idol, then you can burn the clue (Jon Misch mentions it in SJDS).

        • sharculese

          Honestly, in fairness to Brad Culpepper, he’s come closer than anyone else to getting an alliance of bro-y bros who can bro down the bro-iest to work. Closer than Malcolm in Caramoan.

          And one of the things I’m worried about for this season is that there’s enough of that type of guy to make it possible for once. Not because I think it ends with a Brad Culpepper win (it won’t) or even because it would necessarily be a bad season. Just because it’s not good news for Andrea.

          • I actually don’t think bringing Brad back is terrible. I wasn’t clamoring for it, but I don’t hate it.

          • sharculese

            Baseline returnee season I’m perfectly fine with Brad coming back. My bigger issue is that we have Tony, Malcolm, and Ozzy out there, too, and Brad kind of exists at the center of the Venn Diagram of their least compelling aspects. The only way he could feel more superfluous would be if they somehow convinced Vytas to try again.

          • I’m always fine with a little fodder in an all-returnee season. My fear is just that the fodder bands together.

          • sharculese

            Agreed. Returnee seasons still need pre-merge villains. I just wish they would have gone with my preferred pre-merge villain: Doctor Peter.

          • Diego Armando

            That seems like it could easily happen. I think Cirie is done if her tribe loses first and Sandra and Tony are in danger if their tribe loses.

          • I don’t think Production will be the ones trying to get Vytas back. I think it is the other way around.

          • Assistant Dragon Slayer

            Why bad news for Andrea specifically? I actually think there closer to a critical mass of bros on the other tribe, which is bad news for Aubry and/or Ciera.

          • sharculese

            Because I want Andrea to win, specifically.

    • Diego Armando

      Culpepper is the closest thing they have to a Coach level buffoon without getting Phillip again.

      • Kemper Boyd

        He’s a dumb guy but not on purpose and not a character.

      • I don’t think he is that much of a buffoon. He was a leader of a fairly successful alliance who just made one fatal error (along with several not as severe errors)- letting Caleb know that he was 4 of 4.

  • Kemper Boyd

    John, this a magnificent piece. I hate him a lot. A lot, a lot.

  • 1) Love the fact that you refer to him as just Troy.
    2) You forgot to include some of the bigger petty stories about Troy like the reason why he voted for Sabrina. At least with Leif, he has said that he voted for Sabrina because Sabrina made more of an effort to get to know him, which is a very valid reason. With Troy, he was just mad that she supposedly broke the rule about talking on the way to Tribal Council during the post merge male slaughtering that he voted against her (which in retrospect makes him a prime MAGA voter). My favorite Troy and Kim story is that she gave the unused idol to Troy, who then turned around and sold it on eBay to a buyer who then gave it back to Kim.

    • Kemper Boyd

      We must only refer to him as Troy.
      I also love the Kim v Troy real life feud, it clearly is something that kind of amuses Kim but I feel like Troy thinks it’s real.

      • It’s probably the only reason why people remember him, so that’s why he had to buy into that.

      • Diego Armando

        World’s Most 1 Sided Survivor Fued.

        • sharculese

          No, that’s still Brandon vs. Mikayla.

          • PurpleTally

            Don’t forget Shambo vs Laura.

          • After Survivor, I think that feud became two-sided.

    • I was at 2000 words when Andy finally just said, “If you don’t publish, you’ll never stop writing.”

      • Don’t diss tracks have sequels?

        • Maybe if he claps back.

        • purplerockandy

          We should have several episodes of sequels.

          • Yay?

          • sharculese

            I know you already said no to my weird epic Balllad of Troyzan, but it’s still on the table. Just sayin’.

    • sharculese

      I know that’s Troyzan’s stated reason for voting for Sabrina, but nothing will ever convince me that he did it because the answer he wanted to his question was that the answer to his “what was your biggest move” questions for Kim was “voting you out,” and she wouldn’t go along with his bullshit.

      • Yeah, I can see that. What did she say?

        • sharculese

          She said that once she convinced the guys to cote out jonas it was over. Which is true.

          I used to lump him in with Kenny voting for Suzie in Gabon as being insufficiently fluffed at FTC, but after hearing Ken’s explanation for that one I felt bad for comparing them.

          • Alkanarra

            I just tried looking it up but couldn’t find anything. What was Ken’s explanation?

          • sharculese

            It was on the episode of RHAP he did for Second Chances (which made me like Ken a lot more.)

            He said he wanted to get beaten by someone who played the game hard, and he wanted Bob’s explanation for why he didn’t given Kenny the necklace like he promised to be “yeah, I fooled you, deal with it,” which Bob couldn’t because the truth is Bob is an idiot who made a dumb promise he didn’t want to keep. When Bob hemmed and hawed about the terms of the promise he decided to vote for Suzie instead.

          • Alkanarra

            Thanks. While he could certainly be lying about it after the fact, it makes sense to me. I remember him handling Ponderosa really well compared to how whiny they made him seem about that necklace thing, so it never really sat right.

          • sharculese

            Yeah, I don’t necessarily accept after the fact explanations, but this one lined up with every other thing about him. I still don’t think he comes off great in that FTC, but I believe him when he says that’s what he was looking for.

          • I was thinking either that or Michael, but she couldn’t say Michael because he would have just said that she admitted to lying to him and jay.

            I mean at least Susie tried. Also, the Onions were going to get their way, so what’s the point?

      • DrVanNostrand

        I never rule out plain bitterness. But Troy’s ego makes your hypothesis quite likely. The one thing I do rule out is his actual explanation.

        • Alycia Swift

          I do not rule out for this particular guy that it was bitterness that he was beaten by a woman.

  • Ms_Woozah

    This article is a thing of beauty. I need to go back and read these other Game Changers features – I’ve been away too long!

    • Kemper Boyd

      *cough* Sandra *cough*

      • Ms_Woozah

        Open in a tab for lunchtime!!

      • Kemper’s 1000 words in 30 minutes essay on why Sandra is the best is truly something to behold.

        • Diego Armando

          It took another person a weekend to write one.

          • Perhaps…

          • Diego Armando

            I know for a fact that it did, mostly since that person could not stay awake last Saturday.

          • Oh that sucks. I apologize to whoever that may be. I thought you were referring to someone else.

    • This isn’t actually part of our Roulette series- I didn’t draw Troy. But I wanted to make sure I got to discuss him anyway.

      • Alkanarra

        Is there going to be a placeholder “all the rest” post for the people who weren’t drawn and aren’t being covered? Someplace where we can mock them to our heart’s content?

        • Perhaps. It’s being discussed.

          • Here’s my submission for Sierra:

            She’s tall. She tried going with a bunch of goats to the end, but she got stymied by Mikey Amazing. She’s bland. She will probably go far in Game Changers, Jebus help us.

            Does that work?

          • A little lengthy. Not sure I’m into reading that much about Sierra. Got a tl;dr version?

          • Blah yet will go far. Better?

          • Black Dynamite

            That’s the best write up I’ve seen on Sierra.

          • No, the best is just a white screen.

      • DrVanNostrand

        Will someone be dissing Ozzy? Because that guy sucks worse than Troy.

        • sharculese

          He really doesn’t. Ozzy is shallow and entitled, but Troyzan is that and then also five other kinds of awful. As far as I’m concerned he’s the worst. Beneath Terry*, beneath NaOnka, beneath fucking** Colton.

          *I’m not gonna ditch my “Terry is the woooorst” shtick, but, for the record, I feel what the dude went through, I’m glad his family is okay, and I legit hope he gets another chance to play.

          **Which is different from Survivors who have fucked Colton. RIP.

          • DrVanNostrand

            I can’t get too engaged in this because I hate them both so much. But I still hate Ozzy more. Maybe it’s because he’s been back so much. Maybe because ‘entitled bully’ has taken on a much more sinister meaning since the last election. Maybe because he has the second (to Colton) most punchable face in Survivor. What I know is that when I’m drafting for fantasy, Ozzy will be my #1 pick, because I seriously fucking hate that guy.

        • jersey_luck

          I understand why Ozzy is on this season: For all the shit we give casuals love all Ozzy. Also to be fair this really last iteration of Ozzy. His first season was aall newbies, his second was half all stars and half newbies, his third was in versus season with him and Coach and this season is full all stars. And it has been five years since Ozzy been on the show.

          • DrVanNostrand

            I understand that some people like Ozzy, just like some people like smooth jazz and the Kardashians. I’m just saying that I hate him more than Troy.

          • Diego Armando

            Kids love Ozzy and people like seeing him play in challenges. Plus he is easily one of Survivor’s most influential players, so his inclusion in Game Changers makes some sense. I have no desire to see him again, but I know why Survivor decided to tap him dry.

          • I want to tap him dry…..

  • Mike Hirsch

    Best-case scenario: He is voted out immediately.
    Oh, wait, that’s not how the scenario thing works.

    Also: “In case you can’t or won’t watch the video”
    Yup, nailed it.

    • Alycia Swift

      I did not watch it either. He is one of the few that makes me physically ill.

  • Hornacek

    I can refute your entire argument with a 100% confirmed fact: as the show was airing, people on the street were telling Troyzan that his gameplay reminded them of Richard Hatch.

    Troyzan = Richard Hatch, therefore Troy = great

    • Alycia Swift

      Maybe they meant the Richard Hatch from Battlestar Galactica that just died. (My childhood crush.)

      • Hornacek

        I’d say he’s more like the 4-legged fuzzy animal on that show.

    • sharculese

      In his post-Cambodia interview with Dom & Colin, Spencer mentioned that his girlfriend’s parents, who are ur-casuals, love them some Troyzan. So… those people, sadly, may exist.

  • Hornacek

    Any column that mentions “poser” has to include this video (cued to the 5m54s part):

    https://youtu.be/MdAAafs9eTw?t=353

    • Kemper Boyd

      He literally just got engaged to Parvarti so things continue to work out for him.

      • Hornacek

        On a recent RHAP episode (Think Tank 3?) Rob broke that news and said “John Fincher is a proposer.”

        (that may have been Stephen or Alex Kidwell who said that)

        • prettyboyprobst

          I believe he played that clip and injected the “pro-” at just the right moment. Maybe someone said it before, though.

          I’m far from excited about Finchiti, but that made it almost worth it.

          • Hornacek

            Someone brought up the news that they had just gotten engaged, and of course the talk got back to the “poser” clip, which I think Rob played, and then one of them actually said the whole “proposer” line.

  • sharculese

    Best case scenario: On the first day they’re out there Troyzan goes for a swim and a shark jumps out of the water and bites his dick off but his dick tastes so gross the shark spits it back right into Troyzan’s open mouth and Troyzan starts to choke on it and everyone’s standing around laughing because fuck Troyzan but then also a dude is choking to death and losing a lot of blood so medical comes and sends him home and then Sia writes a song about it that becomes an international hit and forever afterwards that’s the musical moment people associate with Sia instead of the end of Six Feet Under which is kind of overrated imo although not actively terrible like the time Claire and her dumb art school friends tried to plan some asinine flash mob but just got high and sung along to “Transatlanticism” instead unless that scene is supposed to make you hate them and I can’t fucking tell because it’s Alan “plastic bag in the wind” Ball and who the fuck knows.

    • Assistant Dragon Slayer

      This is an insult to the intelligence of sharks.

      • sharculese

        Yeah, cause sharks are totally scooting around in the ocean all “shit, I gotta get home to my underwater television, Survivor’s on.”

        That shark didn’t know what a Troyzan was til it bit his dick off. And it spit that thing out immediately, to its credit.

        • Maybe that is why that one shark bit Richard Hatch in All Stars…he knew that All Stars was not going to end well and wanted to save Hatch from that fate.

          • Assistant Dragon Slayer

            Palau spoiler (c’mon Barbara watch it already): Maybe the dolphins that Ian trains ordered a hit on Tom.

          • That could be interesting. I always forget that Ian is a dolphin trainer despite the fact that he is like a nerdier Aquaman.

  • Alycia Swift

    I always thought Christina Cha was the other person that Jeff was referring to (plus Lief) although I did not believe it. I had read it somewhere. Kat I believe.

    • sharculese

      Christina showed a lot of intelligence in the first few days. The problem is that it somehow took about five minutes of effort on Alecia’s part to bully her into never thinking again. I’m not sure which one of them that says more about.

      • Alycia Swift

        That’s why I did not believe it at first. Her ideas the first couple of days were good.
        But it was Alecia (I hate that we have the same name) and Colton combined. And no one sticking up for her. Would she take that crap outside the game – maybe? But it also may have been that Alecia got herself into a good position and Christina did not want to jeopardize her game position. Or not.

  • sharculese

    I actually agree with him that thd Second Chances vote was rigged. There’s no other explanation for the exclusion of Shane “The Game” Powers.

    • I can’t imagine a world where CBS would ever have been like, “We need less Shane Powers and more Terry.”

      • PurpleTally

        Probably the same world where CBS let Two and a Half Men run for 12 seasons.

    • purplerockandy

      Ehn, there’s plenty of explanation. No man who had a negative edit was voted on. It’s that simple.

      • sharculese

        Jokes, man, jokes.

        But also, based on the sample size of one casual I talked to, the explanation was less, “negative opinion of Shane,” and more “didn’t remember who that was.”

        • Plus, Terry looked more like Rupert. Which fit the casual audience’s “vote for the most Rupert-like options” strategy.

          • DrVanNostrand

            I might do well in a fan vote if that’s the case. My name is only two letters away, and if I let my beard go for a little too long, it definitely gets Rupert-ish. Maybe I should start practicing my cookie monster voice.

        • Although, the Cambodia fan vote got us Varner, Fishbach, Peih-Gee, Wentworth, and no Brad Culpepper or One World-ies. It worked out much, much better than I was expecting.

          • I think Fishbach was the one lone person of the people you mentioned that had to be a lock. He wasn’t a strong lock, but he was a lock nonetheless.

          • Do you think so? I doubt many casuals remembered him, but I guess his association with JT and prominence in the Survivor community were enough to guarantee a spot in the top 10 out of 15.

          • Well, I mean I am a recent convert into Survivor superfandom and I knew his name from the People blogs because I am junk person who likes reading about junk gossip.

      • Yeap, the closest we got a male with a negative edit on Cambodia was Vytas and that was more bitterness than anything.

      • Alycia Swift

        Savage had a fairly negative edit in PI.

        • purplerockandy

          I think you felt negatively to him. Which is different than a negative edit.

          • Alycia Swift

            I felt negative to him both times but the edit was still negative both times.

        • I mean, he did get a bit of hero edit at times (especially during the weightlifting immunity challenge).

        • gouis

          Savage had a crazy positive edit. Which is what drives people like me crazy.

  • the sky is falling

    There was clearly a clerical error in casting and they intended to cast Tarzan.

    • sharculese

      THAT’S NOT BETTER!

      • the sky is falling

        Agreed. The Survivor wiki, has some pretty awesome low key trolling of Tarzan in their description though:

        The oldest castaway on One World, Tarzan is remembered for his
        very eccentric and self-admittedly irascible behavior. He deployed his
        ornate vocabulary with inconsistent denotative accuracy, repelled many
        of his tribemates with what they deemed unsanitary conduct, and was
        involved in spats with some of the politest, least objectionable
        personalities on the island.
        However, in the late game Tarzan earned the empathy of the other
        contestants by demonstrating his extremely passionate commitment to his
        wife, and he even concocted a sly plan to deliver himself to the Final Tribal Council against very long odds. This plan did not come to fruition, however, as he was foiled at the final six by eventual winner Kim Spradlin.

        • sharculese

          This generally rules, but, to really capture the Tarzan voice, half of those big words have to be used incorrectly.

          • DrVanNostrand

            It drives me crazy that people think he’s smart because he uses a lot of big words. He doesn’t even know what half of them mean!

      • Kemper Boyd

        It’s slightly better. Tarzan is an addled old man but he’s funny.

        • sharculese

          He’s not funny; he’s just dumb and gross.

          • TheForRealDeal

            According to Survivor not-a-crank Mario Lanza, the man is a genius!

          • sharculese

            I literally gasped when I got to his “Tarzan has finished med school, therefore he is smart,” argument. 1.) Has he met any MDs ever?, they make JDs look like geniuses. 2.) Did he fucking watch One World? And somehow not come away thinking that dude was dumber than raw anus?

          • TheForRealDeal

            He was probably just impressed to encounter someone who could bloviate even more than he can.

          • Diego Armando

            This reminds me of an old joke:

            What do you call the person who finished last in their class at medical school?

            Doctor

          • Wasn’t that in Patch Adams, which was honestly the first PG-13 movie I saw in the theaters?

          • Diego Armando

            Maybe? I don’t know where I heard it.

          • Diego Armando

            Mine was the Matthew Broderick Godzilla.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            Mine was Twister, but my parents had us purposefully show up late so we missed the titular natural disaster.

          • Kemper Boyd

            but there are like a thousand twisters in Twister. Also Twister is a masterpiece.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            They were trying to censor the opening one where the dad dies.

            Spoiler alert for the first 10 minutes of Twister.

          • Kemper Boyd

            But that’s the emotional hook of the whole film!!!

          • Purple Rock Emma

            I was 6!

          • HBO CEO of Tits

            My dad took my two year old brother and 4 year old self to see Wayne’s World in theaters. My mom still horrifyingly recounts us coming back singing “Wayne’s World! Wayne’s World! It’s Party Time! Excellent!” She did not approve.

          • Kemper Boyd

            One of my mother’s cousins is a doctor, he has been struck off in two different countries. So yeah getting through Med School isn’t everything.

      • corndogshuffle

        He is the molecular substrate of Survivor. He belongs on Survivor.

      • Maritimer

        Its slightly better, in that Tarzan would be more likely to get voted out right away (challenge liability) and then we’d have neither!

  • No Eyes in Blindfold

    Honestly, if survivor had its mind set on casting someone from One World (which I don’t understand why casting/production really likes that cast) who didn’t make it on Cambodia, it would have been much better to cast Sabrina. I know they are not up for the same spot so a women would have to be replaced. Sabrina is much better than Troy both as a player and a character and could be interesting to see not underneath Kim’s shadow.

    It will be slightly interesting for me, if not good television, if FFSDT’s pregame alliance with Troy holds up as it would basically be her aligning with Dan Foley again and playing the same game.

    • Wait, Sierra and Troy are in a pregame alliance? This truly is the darkest timeline.

      • sharculese

        If allying with the dregs of humanity is Sierra’s natural instinct and not just something she did in Worlds Apart because it was expedient I take back every not completely critical thing I said about her.

        In retrospect, her first ally did have a face tattoo.

        • Yeah, and although Lindsey does have some true fun moments, she does have the weird anti-religion going on against Mike, which wasn’t a great look.

          • sharculese

            Given how little we have of Lindsey, I question whether she has an anti-religion thing or whether we have an irascible pre-merge boot getting frustrated with a socially awkward eventual winner who talked about his faith a bit too much.

          • Yeah, it’s probably not both things. Instead, it’s probably the latter.

        • And that was the least reprehensible of her allies!

          • sharculese

            Technically she was allies with Mike for a minute.

      • No Eyes in Blindfold

        Yeah she mentioned it in her Gordon Holmes pregame interview. <a href="http://my.xfinity.com/blogs/tv/2017/02/09/survivor-sierra-tonys-already-jumping-bushes-ponderosa-scared/&quot;

      • Wait, Sierra had enough time to plan a pregame alliance?

        • No Eyes in Blindfold

          To me, Troy seems like the type that would form many, probably conflicting, pregame alliances, even with alternates but that is just speculation. I also don’t know how close to filming Natalie A. made it so she might have had a slight bit of time.

          • The rumor I have heard is that people didn’t find out that Sierra was in until she showed up at the airport.

          • purplerockandy

            Probably made alliances with people who went through the interview process.

          • I hope he ends up at the end of several FTC takedowns because of that fact.

    • EmAndScoutInBK

      Sabrina for the win. It should have been her.

      • I actually thought Sabrina seemed pretty competent in that season. But playing next to Kim is like trying to be the best player on the team when LeBron is already on your squad.

        • Diego Armando

          She was one of the 3-4 competent players from that season.

          • Kemper Boyd

            I actually think she was one of 3 competent players and she sat next to the other two at FTC.

          • Diego Armando

            Agreed, which is probably why they aligned.

        • EmAndScoutInBK

          100%. And to clarify, I meant for the win as in, it should’ve been her instead of Troy. Not that she should have beaten Kim. That’s ludicrous.

          I think Sabrina might be a decent player – she just didn’t stand a chance against Kim. I voted for her in the Cambodia vote because I’d really love to see how she’d do on another season when she’s not playing against Kim.

  • Diego Armando

    I’d argue Brad is the biggest goat on the island. He is a buffoonish ex-pro athlete.

    • Brad could win. It wouldn’t be my preferred outcome, but I could see it.

      • Diego Armando

        I really can’t see how. He isn’t awful at strategy, but U don’t see people taking him seriously at any point (see South Pacific Coach).

        • We don’t know how some of these players would be as jurors, but I’m pretty confident that Ozzy, JT, and Troy could vote for him. There are several other “maybe” voters I had in mind for Brad.

        • But, we forget that Brad is a lawyer. I don’t know how good of a lawyer he is, but he is a lawyer. He could potentially put up a good argument at FTC. He would most definitely put up a better argument than Coach.

    • PurpleTally

      The darkest timeline is FFSDT, Troyzan, and Brad all bringing each other to the end as goats.

      • Black Dynamite

        I’ll go darker. Switch out FFSDT for Ozzy.

        • Assistant Dragon Slayer

          As fun as it is, in a perverse way, to contemplate a darkest-timeline F3, Troyzan, Brad, and Ozzy (plus Sandra and Tony) are my 0% Club.

          • Diego Armando

            Brad is my only 0%er. I can see ways the others win. Ozzy can win Survivor.

          • The not-so-unrealistic possibility of Ozzy pulling a Mike Holloway is one of my biggest fears for this season.

          • Assistant Dragon Slayer

            It’s not literally impossible, of course, but Mike wasn’t exactly competing against Malcolm or Michaela for individual immunity, and Ozzy won’t be sitting next to Carolyn and Will.

            And if Ozzy manages to get five jury votes because he’s somehow developed a social game in the past five years, that would be kind of cool, actually.

            Truth be told, I think almost all of the men will have a very hard time a) getting to the end, b) winning jury votes, or c) both.

            ETA: “Cool” is an overstatement. It would be cromulent.

          • sharculese

            Michaela has never competed in an individual immunity.

            I mean, maybe she has in reality, at this point, but in terms of aired episodes she hasn’t.

          • He did once (without winning), he almost did it again.

      • Mike Hirsch

        The brightest timeline is Varner, Sandra, and Cirie masterminding an “Old School Eliminates the Recent Players” strategy that sees them coast to the end with J.T. and…ah dammit, Ozzy. Still, that’d be a fun finale.

  • Diego Armando

    The only scenario I can see Troy winning in is a nightmarish Final 3 of him, Brad and Sierra (or possibly Debbie). That would be all their best chances for victory.

  • Diego Armando

    The only thing I object to in this article is that One World kinda sucked. It completely sucked.

  • DrVanNostrand

    There are so many sucky dudes on this season that my fantasy team wouldn’t have any women if gender balance weren’t one of my drafting rules.

  • jersey_luck

    Troyzan sadly is in my top 6. Do I feel like he can win? Only if the everyone voted out prejury is a women honestly because lets be real here he will somehow piss them off.

    Also I understand that Brad made good tv in Blood vs Water but can you say that Troyzan was incredible television and made his season better you be lying.

    • Maritimer

      This. Brad is at least somewhat fun to root against. Troy just makes me want to throw my remote through the TV

    • Hey, we only had 4/10 of women at the merge in MvGx and one of them was the merge boot, so anything can happen.
      I also just realized that Fiji only had 3/9 women make the merge and one of them was the merge boot. That has to be a weird coincidence, right?

  • Violina23

    I honestly didn’t remember thinking Troyzan was so bad during One World. Thank you for reminding me how crappy my Survivor memory can be.

    • Assistant Dragon Slayer

      Bad is relative. There’s a strong argument that he’s not even in the top 3 worst men on One World.

      • sharculese

        I was gonna dispute that, but then I remembered Matt Quinlan exists. But I’m also still gonna dispute this because I’m pretty sure Troyzan is worse.

        • I think the Rooster is really not that bad because all he wanted was to get the alphas to do an alliance. He wasn’t telling people to jump in fires or that they didn’t matter because it was his island.

    • Diego Armando

      He was somehow only the 4th or 5th worst person on that season. 1 was Colton. 2 was Alecia. 3 was that Alpha Douchebag who tried to form a broliance. He can fight Tarzan for the 4 spot.

      • Violina23

        Yeah, I guess we are grading on the Colton Curve…

  • Max_Jets

    Sandra is apparently friends with Troyzan, wants to team up with the alpha males, and is anti-Cirie and wants to take out Aubry. I think I’ll be rooting against Sandra this time around.

    • I mean, in Sandra’s defense, she does work well with alpha males-Rupert, Boston Rob, Tyson. But, people don’t remember that.

      • Max_Jets

        True, but I liked them! I guess Sandra with Malcolm and Tony would be great. My allegiance is still with Cirie and Aubry though. This season is already tearing me apart.

        • Kemper Boyd

          Sandra actually shut up and worked with Russell when it was what would work for her. This is how she plays.

    • Diego Armando

      HERATIC!

  • Saturday Night Palsy

    John is so gonna hate it when I win Pick-4 this year.

    • The “this year” at the end of that sentence is unnecessary. It’s a standing hatred.

    • It would make sense seeing as I will not be in Champions League for next season.

      • Saturday Night Palsy

        What? You won Champions League last season. Why aren’t you in it this season?

        • No, I mean I will be out next season because this season is awful already.

          • Saturday Night Palsy

            Wrong attitude. Own Champs! You earned it! Just choose Troyzan if you want extra points.

          • I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

    • Purplerockmatt

      interested in continuing your legacy of awesomeness in the outcast fantasy league?

  • Slightly OTT, but I hate that Kat wears her buff over her hoodie. I get wearing your buff over your bra/tanktop top/ or your underwear/ swimsuit. However, over the hoodie makes no sense to me.

    • Kemper Boyd

      it’s real dumb, but Kat is real dumb.

  • Ms. Sweaterfan

    The preseason is starting!!!! I just watched all the “meet the cast” videos on CBS and here are my random thoughts:
    -Woo made a surprise cameo in a Citibank (I think) commercial while I was watching these on the CBS app. I shouted “Woo!” and my husband asked what I was so excited about, lol
    -I’m REALLY worried about Sandra 🙁
    -Tony is probably in trouble too
    -I’m a bit concerned that this is going to be an alpha male bro fest of a season – it will all depend on how the alliances shake out early and who sticks their neck out too far first
    -I had a major Ozzy crush back in high school when he first showed up on the Survivor scene, so it’s sad to see him looking kind of old and lame (I heard on RHAP that he’s managing a restaurant now…) but anyway I actually think he had some good things to say in his bio (in particular, a completely original and groundbreaking little line that he actually IS there to make friends this time) so he might be on our screens for a long time this season :/
    -Cirie might actually start out in an okay spot
    -Is it just me or did Malcolm seem really smarmy in his video? I was not feeling him at all this time
    -Pleasantly surprised by: Andrea, Hali and Sierra Dawn Thomas (they all seemed to have good insight on past experiences and at least seemed to be considering some positive changes to their gameplay).
    -Debbie is still wonderful and I love her (come at me)
    -I’m finding that I’m actually super excited for this cast! There’s only maybe a handful of people I would be unhappy to see win at this point.
    -My grocery store (in America) started selling all dressed Lay’s and they’re delicious

  • Man, you really called your shot here.