Apparently, some of y’all will watch ANY kind of Survivor as long as it’s in some approximation of English. We’ve got you covered with regular Survivor NZ coverage by Kemper Boyd, who will make sure to cover it with the appropriate extra U’s and REs to end words, the way the Queen intended.
Survivor NZ starts in a very Survivory manner, a sweeping shot of coastline followed by 16 castaways in an openback truck driving through Nicaragua, then the presenter (Matt) says Nicaragua very very strangely, almost like a very drunk Scotsman, that is our introduction to the New Zealand accent, one where no vowel sounds quite the way you think it should. Lou proves that it’s reality tv contestants everywhere who aren’t the brightest bulbs when she says she didn’t know where Nicaragua is or where North or South America were. Apparently small town education isn’t great.
We meet Matt at the mats and the contestants are put in their tribes, purple is Hermosa and orange is Mogoton. Matt asks who would be the villain if it helped them win, Dee’s hand goes up. She has tattoos and thinks people will make her the villain anyway.
PLOT TWIST: at the end of Day 1 each tribe is voting someone off. This seems like a bit of a bullshit twist. Way too early or anyone to change a first impression.
Now it’s challenge time, go get as much stuff as possible from the beach and your boat, you get to keep what you get on your mat at the end of the time. One chick who I think is Izzy is stealing shit off the other team’s mat. This is Michael from One World level genius. I appreciate it. Nate is a Police Officer saw her but didn’t stop her, Sarah Lacina would be ashamed of this terrible Police work. Izzy undoes her great work by giving back one of the knives because she clearly doesn’t want to be seen as mean by the other tribe.
The tribes reach their beaches and get to work. It’s all classic first day stuff, at Mogoton Tony decides to take charge, he tells them to give anything they want to pick up a kick to get rid of anything deadly under it. He later makes a comment about making sure the latrine is close enough to camp the girls won’t get lost or be scared walking to it. So basically I don’t like Tony. Tony is going to be this show’s Rudy but already less likeable.
All the conversations point to Hannah, Shay isn’t happy about this as she feels she could be in an alliance with Hannah. There is some talk between the women of going for Tom because he’s a big threat, this would be a massive overplay this early but it shows that people are thinking strategically.
Over at Hermosa: Dee is talking in confessional about the fact she’s been prepping for Survivor since Survivor NZ was announced, she talks to Georgia and Shannon about getting together and both of them are weary of her. Fuck me it would suck to spend months prepping for Survivor to be the first boot.
It’s Tribal time, Mat asked Lou if games are being played her response is basically “no shit Matt”. He asks Hannah about having something to prove and she agrees. Izzy has to defend giving away the machete. Vote time, Matt is terrible at opening the votes, very noisy and awkward.Hannah is voted out for being a larger girl and nothing else really. We say you can’t teach height but we also know that you can’t stop the prejudice against anyone who isn’t a conventional size even if they are a powerlifter.
It’s Hermosa’s tribal now and it’s a classic first tribal, everyone has strengths, we don’t really know each other, it’s all about first impressions. Everyone is talking in platitudes except Dee who is being quite abrasive. Shannon says they are a tribe of Heroes in a Heroes v Villains season after Izzy stole all their gear. Mike echoes this when voting for Dee, I predict if this narrative continues it will be tiresome and lead to a very meh winner. Dee is voted out. She made a mess of it on the first matt and there was no coming back, I guess the practicing to be nice to people didn’t work out.
It’s the end of the episode… wait a minute it’s only 40 minutes into an hour long episode. We are now back at camp; at Mogoton Tony is trying to a make a fire and failing; he won’t let anyone take over and gets a lovely thunderstorm jump cut to show he’s not brilliant. Izzy is really ill; she’s been throwing up, and is making that decision to vote out Hannah look really bad. If she quits straight after the first vote she would be one of the worst contestants in any version of Survivor ever.
The biggest twist so far and one that makes sense considering there are 16 people, 39 days and two people got voted out on day 1 is that this is Survivor New Zealand Redemption Island. Who is the Boston Rob they put this in for? Is it Mike, is it Sala?
Yada yada, Hannah wins the duel.
Bye Dee, it wasn’t worth the months of preparation for you. It turns out that Dee is a massive Survivor superfan, having listened to 160 hours of audiobooks, listing to 6 podcasts a week, and seeing every episode 3 times. What a fucking nerd loser, why would anyone do that? Now she is the first boot of a season.
So far Survivor NZ is a lovely low budget version of Survivor, it’s too early to establish game play but there seem to be a lot people thinking about threats and alliances.
Survivor NZ Edgic Episode 1
As you can see it’s pretty obvious after episode one that Shannon is winning Survivor NZ.
We’re back on Episode 2 of Survivor NZ and as predicted Shay and others on Mogoton are regretting voting off Hannah after she destroyed Dee at Redemption Island. Yes Shay, voting off your strong alliance that is physically strong (but large) was not the best idea.
Avi and Tom are making a strong alliance and I’m now sure Tom is going to Redemption today.
It’s about here my chromecast is being an arsehole and I get a bit distracted.
At Hermosa, Mike and Lee decide to hack at a termite nest in a tree and realise if you do that gravity will lead them to fall on you. Then being idiots on Survivor they decide to eat some. Also they talk about Nate being the one to go out. Mike thinks he’s the Captain because his last name is Sparrow; I don’t really like Mike.
Avi realises suddenly he’s not spoken about strategy to anyone, well whose fault is that Avi. He goes to talk to Shay and Lou; Lou promptly gets Avi to say he would vote Tom but Izzy is the free vote to keep the tribe strong. They’ve pinky sworn which is a childish equivalent of swearing on your kids.
Blah blah shelter talk from Georgia. She really likes Lee as a person.
Tony is being Tony, telling people what to do and whatnot. He seems to think Survivor is about survival, it’s cute. But it’s also starting to wear on his tribe.
Blindfold challenge, Hermosa wins immunity after some people bump into some things and Tony fails to pull up his side of the pulley in time with Sala.
It’s scramble time, Sala, Tony and Lou have a chat and Tony says Tom, but now they want him for the strength in challenges. Tony is afraid Tom’s going for him. In confessional Sala says he will stick with whatever Tony wants as he respects him, it’s one of those morals that absolutely ruin the game of Survivor. Avi is floating to the whole group except Tony and Sala that it should be Tony, he’s got bad communication.
After a brief chat with Lou and Shay, Sala decides to tell Tony his name is coming up, Tony reacts in a terrible way by getting aggravated and basically proving he’ll be a total nightmare in camp if he comes back. Tony scrambles and tells everyone if he’s going to Redemption he’s coming back targeting all of them.
Tribal Council, Tony thinks the loss wasn’t a big deal as they were close, which is wrong. Sala wants to play the game with honour to the end, Shay thinks he’s an honourable kind of a dude and if he votes differently to them they won’t mind. When Matt asks for any last thoughts Avi jumps in, this seems like classic Avi. He’s the smart guy, the overthinker, more of a Nick than a Lee and his pitch is for his tribe to think challenge strength. He’s right of course; people need to stop playing the post-merge game pre-merge. You shouldn’t ever vote off an Ozzy or a Joe until they’ve lost their first immunity (or if you know 100% it’s the last pre-merge tribal).
Matt still sucks immensely at reading the votes. They are folded weird and seem to be on a solid paper not an easily manipulated parchment. Anyway Tony is gone, which is probably the right move for our viewing pleasure. Tony’s last words show he’s not built for the game, he’s very angry and can’t deal with being voted out.
Survivor NZ Edgic Episode 2
The edgic supports what I said after the first epsiode: Izzy is 100% winning this season.
Favourite seasons: HvV, Pearl Islands, Cook Islands, Micronesia, SJDS
Favourite players: Sandra, Kim, Courtney, Parvati, Yul, Nat Anderson