In hip-hop music, a hype man supports the rappers with exclamations and interjections and attempts to increase the audience’s excitement. In honor of Survivor opening up voting for their Second Chance season, I’ll be serving as hype man for a few select nominees in order to help them win your vote. And since you knew it was coming anyway, today I give you: Max Dawson.
Do we really have to do this shit again? Did you not get it the first time?
You’re going to try to tell me I was wrong about Max? Give me your stupid fucking arguments, and let’s shut them down right now:
What did Max do? He was boring!
No, Tyler was fucking boring. Max was a damned gift. Tyler was around for 12 episodes. Here’s Tyler’s highlight reel:
You’re going to try to tell me that Max bored you? Max was doing shit. Even Max’s “Don’t worry Shirin, I got this” walk was cooler than anything half the cast gave you this season.
Did he come through and finish that puzzle like a boss and save his tribe? No. But it’s not because Max sucks, it’s because Joey Amazing is fucking amazing and tore through that puzzle like Probst tears through an issue of Men’s Health magazine.
Max wasn’t memorable.
When Max shed his clothes to go drop a deuce in the ocean, the producers asked him if they could film his bare ass (and other things) from a helicopter. A few months later, we start getting 47 different versions of “Max Dawson naked dong flopping around” searches that lead to our website. You think other pre-merge boots were racking up that search traffic? Fuck no.
He’s too obsessed with Survivor.
Oh, you mean the show all of us are watching? You’d rather people on Survivor pretend that they barely even know the show exists? If you want that shit, go watch the “fans” on Caramoan.
Get the fuck off my website, Carolyn.
He doesn’t deserve a second chance.
Yeah, let’s talk “deserve” when it comes to second chances on Survivor. Monica Culpepper deserved her second chance for being married to a football player? Kat deserved one for dating a Big Brother winner? Phillip deserved one for being a fucking living caricature during Boston Rob’s coronation ceremony of a season?
You need reasons to bring Max Dawson back for another round of Survivor?
Max is a fan of Survivor. Not a fan like you are. Not even a fan like I am, and I write and podcast about this shit every week. Max knows minutia about Survivor that you forgot as soon as the episode finished.
But more importantly, even though you don’t know even a tenth of the shit that Max knows about Survivor, he’ll still talk to you about it. He’ll talk to you even though you suck and your observations are trite and not worth his time.
Max loves the show so damn much that he thinks about ways he can make episodes more entertaining for you. Penner goes out there and is envisioning the storylines in his head. Max is out there picturing moments that he can give you. He didn’t get to give you too many last time, because wet blankets gotta wet blanket. But Max has plans. You want me to let you in on one?
You want to see a skinny, filthy Max get a full-body hug from a dude with feathers in his hair? Fuck yeah, you do.
If you don’t like being entertained, watch any of the other shit on the CBS schedule. But Max is out here, ready to make good TV for you. And then he’ll go on Twitter, Reddit, and podcasts (like this one) and entertain your ass there, too.
You think I’m going to spend my time Photoshopping and writing every week about just anyone? Hell no. In thirty seasons of Survivor, there are a small handful of people that I’d consider worth expending that amount of effort for. Max is one of them.
You don’t even have to expend effort. All your lazy ass has to do is drop a fucking click in his direction. Get on it: Vote Max.
Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Cambodia