With the reveal of the new Survivor cast comes the reveal of their CBS bios. These oh-so-revealing questionnaires tell us important things about their pet peeves, how much their parents inspire them, and how much they love Jesus.
But for us super fans, the important question is always “Survivor You’re Most Like”. This is the newbie’s chance to show us their stuff. And boy will we judge them if they choose the same 5-7 players everyone else chooses (or, you know, CBS makes them choose).
Thankfully, we’ve cracked the code on what these selections tell us about new players. That way, we can already have them pre-judged before they’ve ever graced our TV screens. What better way to passionately root for/against them despite anything they may or may not actually do in the game? (Editor’s note: I see no flaws in this logic.) And to help future Survivors out, we’ve decided to share that code with you here so you can say what you really want to say when this question comes up.
Boston Rob: “I think very highly of myself.” Or “I am from Boston.” Same thing, really.
Russell Hantz: “I’m gonna try reeeaally hard to be the villain. Because I am awful. Also, I start at least one sentence a day with ‘No offense, but…'”
Tony Vlachos: “I want to say Russell, but I also want to win.”
Parvati Shallow: “The producers picked out this bikini for me.”
Ozzy Lusth: “I am not fit enough for American Ninja Warrior, but still.”
Marty Piombo: “I am a MASSIVE douchebag.”
Cirie Fields: “I am an awesome person who wants to do well at Survivor.” (Look, they can’t ALL be snark).
John Cochran, Aubry Bracco: “I am a nerd or at least am desperately vying for nerd cred.”
Rob Cesternino, Sophie Clarke, Yul Kwon, Kim Spradlin, Todd Herzog, Shirin Oskooi: “I am pandering hard to the internet.”
Chris Daughtery: “What up, Reddit?!?”
Stephen Fishbach: “I have met Stephen Fishbach.”
Jonathan Penner: “I plan on talking a lot on this season. Like, a LOT.”
James Clement: “I work out.”
Coach Wade: “Why yes, I did give myself this nickname. Why do you ask?”
Abi-Maria Gomes: “Run!”
Anyone from the Dirty 30: “I don’t have a job.”
Hayden Moss: “I applied to be on Big Brother.”
Natalie Anderson: “I applied to be on The Amazing Race.”
Kelley Wentworth, Spencer Bledsoe, Jeremy Collins, Tasha Fox: “They made me watch Survivor: Cambodia before I came out here.”
Richard Hatch: “I have not watched Survivor since the first season.”
No one. I’m one of a kind: “I have never watched Survivor.“
Favourite seasons: Heroes vs Villains, Cook Islands, Palau, The Amazon, Cagayan
Favourite players: Boston Rob, Kim Spradlin, Tony Vlachos, Cirie Fields, Yul Kwon, Rob Cesternino