What Your “Survivor You’re Most Like” Answer Says About You

With the reveal of the new Survivor cast comes the reveal of their CBS bios. These oh-so-revealing questionnaires tell us important things about their pet peeves, how much their parents inspire them, and how much they love Jesus.

But for us super fans, the important question is always “Survivor You’re Most Like”. This is the newbie’s chance to show us their stuff. And boy will we judge them if they choose the same 5-7 players everyone else chooses (or, you know, CBS makes them choose).

Thankfully, we’ve cracked the code on what these selections tell us about new players. That way, we can already have them pre-judged before they’ve ever graced our TV screens. What better way to passionately root for/against them despite anything they may or may not actually do in the game? (Editor’s note: I see no flaws in this logic.) And to help future Survivors out, we’ve decided to share that code with you here so you can say what you really want to say when this question comes up.

boston_rob_profile_600x400

Boston Rob: “I think very highly of myself.” Or “I am from Boston.” Same thing, really.

Russell Hantz: “I’m gonna try reeeaally hard to be the villain. Because I am awful. Also, I start at least one sentence a day with ‘No offense, but…'”

Tony Vlachos: “I want to say Russell, but I also want to win.”

parvati-shallow-profile-600x400

Parvati Shallow: “The producers picked out this bikini for me.”

Ozzy Lusth: “I am not fit enough for American Ninja Warrior, but still.”

Marty Piombo: “I am a MASSIVE douchebag.”

cirie-fields-profile-600x400

Cirie Fields: “I am an awesome person who wants to do well at Survivor.” (Look, they can’t ALL be snark).

John Cochran, Aubry Bracco: “I am a nerd or at least am desperately vying for nerd cred.”

Rob Cesternino, Sophie Clarke, Yul Kwon, Kim Spradlin, Todd Herzog, Shirin Oskooi: “I am pandering hard to the internet.”

Chris_Balance_Beam

Chris Daughtery: “What up, Reddit?!?”

Stephen Fishbach: “I have met Stephen Fishbach.”

Jonathan Penner: “I plan on talking a lot on this season. Like, a LOT.”

james-clement-oiled-up

James Clement: “I work out.”

Coach Wade: “Why yes, I did give myself this nickname. Why do you ask?”

Abi-Maria Gomes: “Run!”

Dirty_30

Anyone from the Dirty 30: “I don’t have a job.”

Hayden Moss: “I applied to be on Big Brother.”

Natalie Anderson: “I applied to be on The Amazing Race.”

Kelley Wentworth, Spencer Bledsoe, Jeremy Collins, Tasha Fox: “They made me watch Survivor: Cambodia before I came out here.”

Richard Hatch: “I have not watched Survivor since the first season.”

No one. I’m one of a kind: “I have never watched Survivor.

Andy
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Andy

Co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast and the Canadian of the group, Andy has been watching Survivor continuously since the very beginning and likes to treat that as some kind of virtue to lord over others.

Favourite seasons: Heroes vs Villains, Cook Islands, Palau, The Amazon, Cagayan
Favourite players: Boston Rob, Kim Spradlin, Tony Vlachos, Cirie Fields, Yul Kwon, Rob Cesternino
Andy
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  • Other Scott

    I have to admit, the one guy who tried to say he was like Russell Hantz and Woo broke my brain a bit. So do they cancel each other out and make you a completely average person?

    • andythesaint

      That guy is COUNTING on a second place finish.

      • Roswulf

        And here comes Abi Maria…

        • If Natalie from this season of Big Brother was on Survivor instead, she would probably say Abi-Maria for the fact that they both had to adapt from South America to USA (Natalie is from Venezuela, not Brazil).

          • Max_Jets

            What a dream to imagine the great Natalie N on Survivor.

          • I forgot that Natalie’s name started with a N. However, I have a weird feeling that Natalie N wouldn’t be awful at Survivor.

          • Max_Jets

            She’d be good, especially since Natalies always go far. I’m rooting for her to win BB18, which I almost dropped until her and Bridgette flipped the house.

          • Thank God for that. I also suspect that Paulie doesn’t have the round trip since the ads are promoting that the bromance will break up tonight.

          • Now, how do you feel?

          • Max_Jets

            Ha! I feel the same. I still think she is playing well, people are just annoyed because they like Paul and Victor. If she is at final 2 with Nicole, Corey, or Michelle she is looking pretty good. I am worried about the buyback though.

          • I don’t know how she stands against Nicole, because people like Corey, Paulie, and Zakiyah will be on the jury. But she is in fairly strong shape. I would even wager that she beats out James.

    • They’re both clueless about how Survivor works and what juries might vote on, but I assume whoever said that was just forced to watch Heroes vs. Villains and Cambodia (and maybe gave up on Cambodia at the merge).

      • I bet Cagayan is in the mix now because both Alecia and Cydney picked Cagayan players for baffling reasons.

        • Max_Jets

          Cydney’s made sense. The loyalty she is talking about is to her family, which is why she’ll do whatever it takes to win the money.

          • Holy shit, I never thought of it that way.

          • If they do another Blood vs. Water with returning players, I would be surprised if Cydney and one of her parents weren’t in the cast (either one, because they’re both jacked).

          • Black Dynamite

            Oh. Maybe we can get Cydney for FvF 3: The Concept Never Dies in season 36 then have her and a parent back for season 37 BvW 3. I should be in casting with my brilliance.

          • Max_Jets

            Yeah, Cydney will be one of the only genuine favorites left with all of the returning player seasons we have lately.

          • Haven’t we figured out who is truly left for Season 36 after the supposed cast of Season 34 was revealed?

          • I need to see Cydney again soon. She’s fantastic!

          • I am in love with her mom after her brief appearance at the Kaoh Rong finale.

    • I don’t think either Woo or Russell were extremely observant, but that may be just me.

      • Other Scott

        I think “Who is the better player?” is an interesting question between those two.

        I think it’s maybe Russell overall, but not by a whole lot. I really think Woo had a lot of things go wrong for him in Cambodia. (Ending up with Abi three times in a row is just bad luck). And Russell’s Redemption Island game is as bad a game as I’ve ever seen played.

        • Let’s also remember that Woo came a hell of a lot closer to winning the game than Russell ever did.

          • Other Scott

            Very good point. All Woo had to do was not to win the final immunity and he probably becomes a reddit hero!

            (For the “winner always played the best game people”, Woo losing immunity would mean he played a better game than Tony, where Woo winning immunity makes it worse. How does that even make sense?)

          • I guess in that scenario, Woo maybe had a Richard Hatch-like epiphany that both Kass and Tony would take him to the end, so he threw the IC. However, if Kass won the FIC and takes Woo (like a sensible person), Woo wins easily since that jury was extremely poisoned against Kass.

          • andythesaint

            To be clear, I’ve NEVER been a “winner played the best game” type. Just that the winner always deserves it.

          • Other Scott

            You weren’t the strawman I was yelling at in this case Andy, don’t worry. Because I feel very much the same.

          • andythesaint

            Cool, cool. Just had to be clear. After all, Boston Rob didn’t even win every time!

  • Sad Lil

    Why does no one ever say ‘Lillian Morris’?

    • andythesaint

      You’re one of a kind.

      • But also, because none of these recruits have seen your awesomeness because they haven’t seen Pearl Islands.

        • Sad Lil

          Darn tootin’!

      • Sad Lil

        Darn tootin’!

    • Bar’s too high, Lil. Bar’s too high.

      • Sad Lil

        Darn tootin’!!

  • Purple Rock Emma

    What if you’d say you’re the bastard child of John Cochran and Courtney Yates?

    • You’re really wanting to pander to the Internet.

      • Purple Rock Emma

        Maybe I’m just a natural Internet darling, BJ.

        • Not everyone knows your real name though. So, they may be confused when you say you are a part of the Purple Rock Podcast because they only know of a Emma.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            Rob and Josh would surely talk about me in their preview podcast though, she says as if she’s actually going to be on the show.

          • Oh yeah and so would The Tribe. I don’t know about Survivor Oz though.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            Fuck Survivor Oz. Redmond would mention it too. By which I mean I’d probably give him a head’s up when he leaks the cast and be like, “that’s me, btw.”

          • Well, it seems like Survivor Oz is dying a quiet death, so it may be gone by the time you are on Survivor. But yeah, Redmond would do a preview of the cast and be like, “I think that’s Purple Rock Emma”.

          • Holy crap, I was not expecting this prediction to happen so soon.

          • andythesaint

            Now tell us who will win the season!

          • Ummm….an American?

          • andythesaint

            Whoa… I think you’re right! BURN THE WITCH!

          • I prefer Praying Mantis.

          • andythesaint

            I like how you pretend like you wouldn’t be Redmond’s mole for the whole cast.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            I haven’t decided if I would or not. She again says as if she’s actually going to be on the show.

          • Mike Hirsch

            So what I’m hearing here is that you’re totally going to be on the show.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            A girl can dream. I imagine it would be the worst kept secret ever if the time came though.

          • You got an interesting dynamic: snarky nerdy vegetarian Californian superfan female in mid 20s. Yes, elements of this have been in play with females before, but not like you. If you go, then that would mean that I would be out vicariously through you.

          • We’ve had the joke for a while that we both need to get cast on the same season so that we can have a secret alliance.

            And I’ll have someone easy to defeat at final tribal council.

          • Mike Hirsch

            I’ve had this same conversation with various coworkers. I work from home, they’re scattered around the US…it could work.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            Like I wouldn’t cut you at final five.

          • You’re the Woo to my Tony, boo.

          • Actually, you being the Courtney to my Todd would probably be a lot more appropriate for us.

          • Purple Rock Emma

            Agreed.

          • Ms_Woozah

            She totally is.

      • Is that more or less pandering than the lovechild of Cochran and Sophie?

        • Purple Rock Emma

          What really hurts is that I’ve had this answer pocketed for years and Aubry stole my gimmick.

        • I think it’s more because Courtney is a bit more embraced than Sophie.

  • I bet some women see Parvati as “the hot girl”, which has been their personal identity all of their lives as well. See Anna.

  • Black Dynamite

    I would try to say some really great winner like Yul, Kim or Earl but in reality I’m probably most like Anthony in Fiji. I’m not planning on going on Survivor anytime soon.

    • Other Scott

      I’ve always determined that my answer for that question would be Ryan Shoulders.

      • I used to say a combination of Shirin (nerdiness and enthusiasm) and Dolly from Vanuatu (sheep herder who couldn’t handle strategic play). Now, I say I am Aubry without the athletic abilities.

    • andythesaint

      One thing I should clarify is that I didn’t go too deep into characters from the past because I have a suspicion that if you tried to pick someone more obscure, they’d tell you to try again.

      • Or they would fall into the pandering to the Internet ala Darnell’s pick of Sean Rector.

    • Mike Hirsch

      I stand by an earlier statement a few months ago that the Survivor player I would most be like is Boo, in that I too would wear a baseball cap and my buff around my neck while minorly injuring myself every other day. The rest of the cast would love me. Like, not at first, because they’d be too concerned about my many woundings. But after day four or five, it would become part of my charm. “There goes Mike,” they’d say, “tripping over that log again, and falling down that hill. Good ol’ daffy Mike!”

      I think I’m banking on my fellow tribe members all being Daisy from Spaced.

      • Solid Spaced reference, sir!

        • Mike Hirsch

          Spaced has long been my tv spirit animal.

  • Could Sophie “be two things” by trying to be a nerd and pander to the Internet?

  • indescribable hat

    My answer would be Stephen and Sophie. Do I think I’m like players I love or do I love players who are like me? Which is more narcissistic?

    (What I’m really saying here is that I would play really well with Coach, which is 100% true. I would play so well with Coach. I could make someone like that like me and trust me and see me as a protegee but also underestimate me.)

  • sharculese

    Oh I’d hell of be Penner. Actually I’d just list all of the best Jewish Survivors. But Penner first.

    Except I found out a couple of weeks ago that, for health reasons, I could never be on Survivor, so that’s a bumer.

    • I am sorry to hear that. I hope everything is okay!

      • sharculese

        It’s nothing life threatening, probably. I’m a recovered anorexic, and I had a relapse a little while ago that made it clear to me that my body is wrecked to the point where over a month on a starvation diet is not something I can risk.

        • I am glad to hear that you are on the mend. If you need anything, let me know.

  • Saturday Night Palsy

    The personality of Tyson Apostol and the body of Dan Foley.

    And I finally got myself banned on the AVClub for imitating a “stride mother” spam-bot a little too closely. That’s my accomplishment for the week!

    • Good work?

      • Saturday Night Palsy

        It should be cleared up soon. So silly.

        So, praying mantis, who’s your first pick gonna be?

        • I don’t know yet. There are a lot of mehs out here.

          • Saturday Night Palsy

            Loads of them.

          • Who are you gravitating towards?

          • Saturday Night Palsy

            Well, Sunday has the necessary skills to be a great leader and David has already been camping once. Seems like a pretty cut and dry choice.

          • Haha…so says the person who picked Rodney.

  • Kemper Boyd

    I like to think of myself as having the physicality of Susie Smith, the personality of Courtney Yates (without the humour) and the accent that Ace was trying to do.

  • forever1267

    I have interviewed twice, although it’s been a while, and I said Kathy from Vanuatu and All Stars, who was one of my favorites.

    …and so far no call backs, so perhaps I should pick another name next time?

  • DrVanNostrand

    I would want to say something insane, like the bastard love child of Johnny Fairplay and Jesus.