The People’s Survivor Blog: Just talkin’ bout poles, bro

Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particularly close attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up. 

The People's Survivor Blog (not Stephen Fishbach's)

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.

“Is Joe’s pole long enough and strong enough to get it off?” – Jeff Probst, Survivor: Cambodia

When I saw that Stephen Fishbach would be blogging about Survivor on people.com, I realized that writing a Survivor blog is the perfect job for me. It requires very little effort, and it allows me to talk about two of my favorite subjects: myself and Survivor. As an added bonus, I get to judge the competence of others based on extremely limited and often incomplete information.

The premiere of Survivor: Cambodia reintroduced us to some of our favorite Survivor players from past seasons- and also Terry, Kimmi, and Woo. One of those players was Kelly Wiglesworth, the runner-up from the very first season of Survivor. Wigles! Where you at?

Kelly Wiglesworth Cambodia premiere
Right here, bro!

Remember how you came in second in that first season? How you were one vote away from winning a million dollars, and one of the jurors based his vote on selection of a random number? Do you think about that a lot? Because your preseason interviews seemed to suggest that you give approximately zero fucks about this game and this show. So really, how often do you actually think about it?

Every day, you say?

Cambodia- Stephen Fishbach premiere in boat
Seems legit.

Speaking of Borneo, let’s do an old school marooning! Everybody dive off the boat with the crap you want to bring, and then the team that gets to this giant bag of rice first will get it. So load up your supplies and then paddle out to- Wigles? Wigles, why did you already start swimming? Settle down, Michael Phelps. Woo ends up getting to the rice first, because it turns out that swimming really far is fucking exhausting.

Practice doesn’t always make perfect

This Survivor blog isn’t going to be some generic recap of the episode, though. Let’s talk about the people who screwed up, and why they deserve to be pointed at and/or laughed at!

Contestant #1: Abi-Maria

“My bracelet is missing. But it’s not big deal. It’s just weird. I’m not going to make a big deal out of it, though. But my definition of not making a big deal out of it is to just bring it up repeatedly to everyone around me, while reassuring them that it’s not a big deal. If someone took my bracelet, that would be weird, though, right? Anyway, I’m just going to let it go. Even though it’s crazy that someone took my bracelet.”

Cambodia- Abi Maria Peih Gee bracelt discussion
“Really? I wouldn’t even know. I didn’t make a big deal out of it.”

This National Geographic documentary on apophasis was not only fun to watch, it also produced an emoji-fire tweet from Peih-Gee after the episode aired.

Abi Maria Peih Gee tweets bracelet
This was the Peih-Gee I voted for.

Candidate #2: Ciera

Did not vote out her mom in this episode. Did you guys know that she voted out her mom one time? Because she did. You probably wouldn’t know, because Probst and Survivor haven’t mentioned it much. But she did. She voted out her mom. Technically, she could’ve voted for Santa Claus and her mom still would’ve gone home on that vote. But she didn’t vote for Santa Claus. You know who she voted for? Yup. Her mom.

Candidate #3: Fishbach

Ha ha! Look how he’s not strong, even though he’s actually in far better shape than he was in Tocantins. He can’t even chop a branch! Play the dodo bird music!

Cambodia- Fishbach chopping wood
It’s funny because it makes him look weak!

Wow, what a nerd! Come on, let’s all make fun of what a scrawny little nerd he is, fellow strong and athletic alpha males of the internet! Just twenty minutes earlier Probst called him by his last name, too. I bet he wishes he could take that back; last names are reserved for manly tree-choppers, Stephen!

Candidate #4: Wiglesworth

Takeo: Ok guys, we’ve got the raft loaded up and we’ve got to head for that rice. Was anyone a river guide approximately 15 years ago that might know how to paddle, but maybe not as well as Gervase?

Wiglesworth: I got this, bro! *Wiglesworth dives into the water*

Takeo: This first challenge is really important. We want to set the tone and establish our dominance early. We just need someone to make a pole out of these sticks and rope.

Wiglesworth: I got this, bro!

Cambodia- Kelly Wiglesworth challenge fail
Just stand back and watch the master at work, bros!

Champion of failure

It’s important when writing about Survivor to make up your own awards. So I came up with an award that captures the very essence of failing at Survivor– the Dead Fishy. Marvel at the trophy in all its majesty.

dead fishy trophy

And the winner this week? Abi-Maria. Abi-Maria calls herself the Brazilian Dragon. Presumably in Brazil, the dragons kill people not by breathing fire, but by relentlessly grating on their nerves.

Vytas went home this week, and Abi-Maria even helped vote him out. It doesn’t matter. You can fail upward.

John
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John

John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He is still not sure if it was just a f*%king stick.

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Micronesia, Cagayan
John
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  • Barbara Anderson

    I love that trophy so much.

  • Ms_Woozah

    That trophy is terrifying. I want it.

  • sharculese

    “Presumably in Brazil, the dragons kill people not by breathing fire, but by relentlessly grating on their nerves.”

    Coach would like to second this proposal.

  • Disgruntled Goat

    I get the feeling that there was at least 10 minutes of Jeff talking about Joe’s pole that was cut from the broadcast.

    • Barbara Anderson

      I think Jeff would just be repeating what the Savage girls were saying…”He’s perfect”.

  • Violina23

    That trophy is a work of art. Well played 🙂

  • Other Scott

    The funny thing is I think Will himself would have only won one Dead Fishy.

    • andythesaint

      I assume you’ve gone back and graded the episodes by their Dead Fishy index.

      • sharculese

        It’s probably good John wasn’t doing this last season because I can think of at least 1 episode where the winer is probably Shirin.

        • purplerockpodcast

          How have you not picked up on how massive my pro-Shirin bias is at this point? She could stab someone in the eye next week and I’d say, “Well, that may not have have been the best move, but it was certainly a big move! And sometimes it takes big moves to win.”

          • sharculese

            I was thinking specifically about the monkey sex episode, but looking back that’s also the episode where Dan calls Rodney’s mother a whore, so you would have had an out.

          • purplerockpodcast

            The monkey sex episode? The one where I pulled the “That’s what it’s like when a woman wants a baby” audio that is still used at the end of our podcast? She could’ve peed in the rice and called herself a bad ass manipulator of this game and she still wouldn’t have even been nominated for a Dead Fishy.

        • Other Scott

          If we aren’t giving the person voted out the Dead Fishy, then the episode when Max went home was really bad for Shirin as well.

          • andythesaint

            Not in John’s eyes. The denial is incredible.

          • sharculese

            That’s probably the better example. I don’t know who has a bad episode there except Max and Shirin. So in conclusion John gives it to everyone on new Nagarote who isn’t Shirin for not appreciating Shirin.

          • andythesaint

            Accurate. But especially Carolyn.

          • purplerockpodcast

            Yeah, it’s probably Carolyn for that episode. I do find it funny that people thought I might be objective in giving out the Dead Fishy, though.

          • Other Scott

            When did I say that? I actually revise to you giving Will two dead fishies. He would have got the finale one as kind of a season achievement award. Or you would have given it to Rodney for voting for Will, which is essentially the same thing.

    • purplerockpodcast

      Probably accurate.

    • sharculese

      Arguably not even one, depending on how quittery you feel about Jen.

  • notrobcesternino

    okay, I can understand Woo, but what do you have against Terry and Kimmi

    • purplerockpodcast

      Kimmi never did anything for me in Australia. And I didn’t like Terry in Panama, despite the glowing edit they tried to give him.

  • Mechanical Shark

    The Dead Fishy is making me laugh like a maniac. SOMEBODY MAKE A REAL ONE. Anyone have a 3-D printer?