Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particularly close attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up. 

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.

“Then if it goes to another tie, we’re gonna have to…draw…rocks? The jury? We fight for it?” – Woo Hwang, Survivor: Cagayan

As I read Stephen Fishbach’s Survivor blog every week, I often find myself thinking, “Why doesn’t Stephen insert his picture in a way that makes it look like the Survivors are always thinking about him?”

But as a Survivor viewer, I often find myself thinking, “Why don’t we get more scenes of what camp life is like?” Luckily, we got a little glimpse of that in episode two. First, we got to see Bayon:

Wow, seems like it’s going pretty well over there. People are getting along, laughing and lounging. They’ve got just about everything you could want for a peaceful first six days: hammocks, fire, and an indestructible branch.

So it seems like we’re off to a good start over at Bayon. Good for them! And I assume life is just as wonderful back at Takeo camp, right? Let’s take a look at the situation there:

Life’s simple pleasures horrors

Ok, time to turn our attention to this week’s greatest failures, and their case for the coveted Dead Fishy award:

Nominee #1: Terry Deitz supporters

If I ever go on Survivor, please set the bar for me exactly where you’d clearly set it for Terry before this season. “You guys! John just talked to another human being without stabbing him in the neck with a pencil! Yay!”

The perceptions of Terry have reached the point where I expect to go back and watch Panama and see a shirtless Terry just grunting “PROBST! Where challenge?!” for every post-merge episode. I get that he’s not a social savant, but it’s not like he’s incapable of interacting with others. When he flies airplanes, he’s presumably not jumping on the intercom to say, “Sit down and shut up, fuckfaces! I don’t give a shit what your boarding pass says, we’re going to Houston!”

Nominee #2: Abi-Maria

Spencer: Oh look, it’s Peih-Gee! Hey, Peih-Gee, how’s your morning going so far?

Peih-Gee: It’s great, thanks for asking! I’m just washing my hair in the ocean in a way that will make me look like I should be in a shampoo commercial. I hope you guys are having a great day, too!

Abi-Maria: So what the fuck, Peih-Gee? Why are you being like this? I WILL CUT YOU!

Nominee #3: Jeff Varner

I mean, it is called the Dead Fishy. How can I not acknowledge this?

(Note: Varner will never win a Dead Fishy. He could chase after his tribemates with a sharpened machete while yelling “Who wants a piece of Jeffy V?!” and I’d just pass it off as a brilliant team-building moment, even as the producers were firing tranq darts at him to subdue him.)

Nominee #4: Kass McQuillen

No! You stop that! You stop feeling emotions and smiling! You are here to break the spirits of others and drink their delicious tears, not produce your own. Really disappointed in you, Kass. Tears are for winner’s edi- Oh. My. God. Nevermind. Carry on, Kass!

Nominee #5: Shirin Oskooi

Ha! It will never be Shirin. Bring me your hatred, r/Survivor!

Actual nominee #5: Monica Padilla

Just a disastrous episode for her this week. Let’s take a look back at the highlights and lowlights:

Champion of Failure

A lot of worthy candidates this week. But who will take home the trophy?

New week, same winner. Enjoy it, Abi-Maria. You’re giving us exactly what we expected, even if I’d hoped you’d give it to someone else.