The People’s Survivor Blog: The one with the athletic incompetence

Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particular attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up.

The People's Survivor Blog (not Stephen Fishbach's) @stephenfishbach

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.

“If he (J.T.) wins it, that’s like me winning it.” – Brendan Synnott, Survivor: Tocantins

Some players on Survivor are just incredibly charming and lovable. They just seem so great on TV that you want them to succeed, like they should just be handed the game and the million dollar check because you like them. In real life, they might be out shooting puppies on the weekend with Brian Heidik, but for 42 minutes a week on Survivor you totally relate to them.

Thailand- Brian Heidik flicks off camera
Heidik delivers his message to puppies

Personally, I relate to the “nerds”: Spencer and Stephen. And I can feel fairly good about rooting for Stephen because I’m sure he isn’t out on the weekend shooting puppies with Heidik. (Even if he is, have you seen Fishbach’s aim? The only injury those puppies might get is tinnitus from the sound of all Fishbach’s misses.) My point is this: Stephen Fishbach is great. And I just wanted to make that crystal clear, because that motherfucker failed so hard this week.

So let’s just oil ourselves up and get right into this thing.

Cambodia- Joe oils up Tasha is impressed
Even Keith is like “Daaaaaaamn!”

Nominee #1: Ciera Eastin

Cambodia- Ciera votes

Again with this shit, Ciera? You monster! She’s not even on this season!

You cold, girl. Stone cold.

Nominee #2: Andrew Savage

Cambodia- Savage confessional voting Spencer
“I like Spencer, but Spencer has to go. This is my second chance, and I’m going to play Survivor!”

LOLNOPE!

Cambodia- Savage at tribal council sad face

Nominee #3: Kelly Wiglesworth

People have been questioning whether you learned anything from your first time playing, and whether you even care. But you were clearly thinking about the game enough that you remembered to pack an invisibility cloak as your luxury item. I can only assume you were competing with Buster Bluth for valedictorian at the Milford Academy, where their motto is “Children should be neither seen nor heard.”

Nominee #4: Kimmi Kappenberg

Cambodia- Kimmi Shimmy during slip slide challenge

“White people dancing!”

“Hurrying to the bathroom when you have to poop!”

“Drunk and incompetent drummer in a marching band!”

Oh, I’m sorry. I thought we were playing charades. That’s just the Kimmi Shimmy.

 

Nominee #5: Stephen Fishbach

A little something about me: I used to coach track. And one of the hilarious jokes about coaching track is, “What do you teach them? Left foot, right foot? But faster?” I present to you Exhibit A for why track coaches exist:

Cambodia- Stephen Fishbach runs awkwardly

Good lord. A toddler on a morphine drip has better running form.

But it’s cool. He eventually spaz-failed his way to the end. Then he just had to throw the ring onto the hook. Throw the ring onto the hook, Stephen.

Cambodia- Stephen Fishbach is terrible at ring toss

Damn, man. I hope you marry a strong woman. Otherwise you’ll end up eating plain ass pasta because both of you are too weak to open the damn jar. In your defense, though, it’s not like anyone here has ever oiled themselves up, slid across a tarp, and then played ring toss just for fun.

Tocantins- Coach has done this before
I stand corrected.

Seriously, Fishbach, let’s get to work on finding you a good, strong woman. Put yourself out there. Make yourself available. Show ’em what ya workin’ wit!

Cambodia- Stephen Fishbach silly dance

Nope. Stop. Stop showing them what you’re working with. Change of plans. Let’s get back to the basics here. Just try approaching a woman and striking up a casual conversation. It can be about anything, but try to make it about something she might be interested in. Got it?

Cambodia- Kelley looks away from Stephen Fishbach

Oh. Wow. Ok, this is an impressive level of failure. She’s pretending to look at the stars in broad daylight just to avoid talking to you. But it’s never too late, Fishbach. Don’t give up hope. You’re a smart guy, you can learn this stuff. You just need the right teacher.

Cambodia- Spencer trying to have feelings
“I HAVE MANY THOUGHTS AND OBSERVATIONS ABOUT LOVE!”

No! NO! Not that guy!

Jeremy. Just ask Jeremy.

Champion of Failure

dead fishy trophy

Length isn’t everything, so don’t read into the fact that I wrote way more about Fishbach than anyone else this week. What matters is effort and-

Nah, just kidding. Did you see that episode? It is my great honor to give this to the Knowingest Know-It-All of all, Stephen Fishbach, for a performance that should inspire many others to want to vote for J.T. to win a million dollars.

John
Follow me:

John

John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He is still not sure if it was just a f*%king stick.

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins
John
Follow me:
  • Saturday Evening Palsy

    Good ol’ Coach!

    • Violina23

      Good old Rock, nothing beats that!

      • gouis

        Poor, predictable Violina23, always takes rock.

  • Purple Rock Emma

    The talk of Stephen needing a strong woman reminded me that he and Courtney dated and oh man, no jars getting opened there.

    • purplerockpodcast

      Just an entire pantry silently mocking them.

    • Other Scott

      Can Stephen cut a rope though?

    • gouis

      Don’t say ‘dated’. I still live in denial that they broke up.

    • Purplerockmatt

      I imagine them going food shopping and running in horror from the canned foods aisle

    • sharculese

      Courtney just glares at the jar until it opens itself.

      • Purple Rock Emma

        You win for best answer.

  • Other Scott

    And not even a mention of the crying confessional!

    Honestly, any other week I’d give the Dead Fishy to Stephen but Savage just failed so very, very hard.

    • purplerockpodcast

      Shit! Forgot I had the crying confessional pics/jokes. I might need to update. Or maybe I’ll just save them for next week.

      • Violina23

        Something tells me you won’t have trouble finding a way to work them in somehow 🙂

  • Barbara Anderson

    Thanks to Reddit, we now all know that Stephen has listened to the song “All I Do Is Win” because he quotes it after eating the pig snout. I think that alone earns him the Dead Fish trophy.