The People’s Survivor Blog: The other one about the bracelet

Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particular attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up.

The People's Survivor Blog (not Stephen Fishbach's)

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.

“…” – Brett Clouser, Survivor: Samoa

When you’re writing a blog about Survivor failure, you would assume that a disaster of a tribe like Angkor would be a godsend. The weakest tribe, sent to the most inhospitable camp with no food and the worst shelter? Gold, right? Alas, no. I’m trying to create a catalog of humorous failures here, just like Tyler’s résumé does.

Tyler Fredrickson TFreddy pirate costume

What I really want here is diversity. A diversity of awfulness. But the cameras can’t seem to look away from the train wreck that is Angkor. I know Survivor has stories it needs to tell, but I want to know what’s going over at Takeo, where Kass has apparently mastered The Force.

kelley-go-the-other-way
These are not the droids you seek, Wentworth.

There definitely wasn’t any Probstian erectile failures at the Hero Challenge, where heroes did what heroes do: Step on boards to make little sand bags go flying. But the challenge probably should’ve been called Dad Challenge, because you know what you really needed to win? Dad-ness. That’s why young stud Jeremy didn’t take home the win. He just hasn’t been Dadding long enough. He needs to put in reps making cringe-worthy corny small talk with waitresses.

The Downward Spiral

But even though we spent most of the episode continuing to watch Angkor disintegrate, there was still plenty of opportunity for people to fail hard. Let’s take a look at this week’s nominees:

Nominee #1: Stephen Fishbach

Jeremy: Ok, Fishy, you ready to find the idol?

Stephen: Yeah yeah yeah!

Jeremy: Ok, ready? GO GET IT, BOY!

Dog fake fetch

(Note: Do not ever google “Dog fetch fail”. You will lose an entire afternoon. Dogs are the best. I laughed so hard I can’t even feel my face right now.)

I’m pretty convinced at this point that the producers told everyone that Stephen isn’t allowed to touch the tribal immunity idol or the hidden immunity idol. Idols are for real men, NERD!

Nominee #2: Spencer Bledsoe’s knee ligaments

Cambodia- Spencer gets his knee destroyed in the blindfold challenge

Ha ha, you couldn’t see and then your kneecap almost shattered! LOLOLOLOL!

Nominee #3: Abi-Maria Gomes

Her very existence in this game practically makes her a lock to be here every week. She calls herself the Brazilian Dragon, but I’m pretty sure she’s just a cat: you try to pet her, she likes it for a half-second, then she changes her mind and claws the shit out of you.

Then she poops in a box and makes you clean it up.

varner-abi-little-bitch
Kiss that kitty, Varner. (Gotta be a better way to say that.)

Nominee #4: Kass McQuillen

What the fuck is this? Jewelry making? I’m sorry, did I hire you to perform at my child’s birthday party or did I vote you onto Survivor to troll the shit out of other humans? You had one job, Kass. One job!

If I wanted someone pleasant, I would’ve voted for T-bird! Which I did. Repeatedly. But pleasant isn’t what you’re here for, Kass. Stay in the little one-dimensional box that Survivor has created for you!

Nominee #5: Monica Padilla

What’s new this week, Monica?

monica-blows-kiss

Sounds about right.

Nominee #6: Keith Nale

You should’ve volunteered for that Hero Challenge, Keith. It was exactly the kind of challenge you’re good at: One that seems to require no specifically-defined skills other than moving your legs. You robbed us of the chance to see the tears well up in Probst’s eyes as neither Joe nor Terry got to compete in a challenge he named just for them.

Champion of failure

dead fishy trophy

Abi-Maria is just doing what I expect at this point. And frankly, she’s going to run out of room on the mantel for these Dead Fishy trophies. So it’s time for some new blood this week. It’s time for Kass to take the crown. I don’t even blame Keith that much for not volunteering for the Hero Challenge; I don’t know that he’s even aware that he’s on a TV show right now, much less the host’s love for certain players. Peak Troll Kass would’ve nominated Keith for that challenge and drank Probst’s tears.

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John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He is still not sure if it was just a f*%king stick.

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins
John
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  • Violina23

    Kass was fucking brilliant. I never loved her more.

  • Violina23

    OH, and this is probably the best place to share that while in Costa Rica last week for a destination wedding (we thought of you all as we flew over Nicaragua), we were flipping stations in the hotel room and stumbled upon the Spanish version of Survivor called “La Isla”. Wikipedia tells me this could be the version from Spain, Colombia, or Mexico…

    Crappy Cell Phone on my twitter account (same name)

    A few observations:
    1) Not only is the title not terribly creative (“THE ISLAND”), but the tribes were similarly (and boringly) named “Fuego”, “Agua”, and presumably something like “Aire”, but I didn’t catch that for sure. For those of you without high school Spanish, that’s “Fire”, “Water”, and (if I recall correctly) “Air”. We briefly made a few jokes about both “Avatar: The Last Airbender” and “The 5th Element”.
    2) If you think the “suspenseful” music from the American version is bad, this was LAUGHABLY bad. It is unclear on whether or not the host asked anyone to dig deep.
    3) After the challenge, we couldn’t understand what was going on, but the music seriously sounded like a telenovela. I thought someone was going to say they were pregnant with a guy on the other tribe’s evil twin brother. For all I know, that might have happened..

    I wish we had the patience for more, but alas, we realized we had a 6AM flight and had to get up at friggin’ 4AM to go back to good old ‘Merica

    P.S. “Kill Bill Volume 1” in Spanish was pretty hilarious too. Especially because they had NO clue how to properly dub the scene with Oren Ishii when she’s screaming at them in English while being translated to Japanese.

    • Kemper Boyd

      I once watched a tribal council of the Turkish Survivor whilst sitting in a kebab shop in London (where I live), it seems that the contestants seem just as frustrated with their host as people are with Probst when he asks dumb questions. But I couldn’t tell what was happening really because it was in Turkish. My main takeaway was that those Turkish guys really grow a beard.