Did I write one of these posts last week? The past week has been a total blur. I vaguely remember some kind of tribe swap or something, but it gets fuzzy after that. Although I suppose if I wanted to see what I’d written I could, much like you, find my previous Max and Shirin fight for my love posts here.
On the episode:
Previously on…Survivor! I generally just fast-forward this part of the show, because I’m a huge fan and would never forget what happened last week. Although I have to admit I’m a little hazy on some details. Still, I can probably figure out what happened as I’m fast-forwarding.
Oh, that’s right! Max and Shirin finally escaped white collar! And they partnered up with super-cool Jenn! I probably forgot all about it because I passed out from sheer joy.
Ha! Look at Jenn getting all annoyed at people, the way Jenn does. Jenn is great. She’s probably making fun of Carolyn for not even being remotely amused by that monkey sex story that Shirin told. Go get her, Jenn!
Right, Hali? That wet blanket Carolyn is just killing your fun “no collar” vibe. Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll be voting her out at the first opportunity.
Wait, what? Why is Max standing next to Probst like that? And at tribal council. And with Probst’s torch snuffer thing. And…oh. Oh, no. No. NOOOOO! It’s all coming back to me now!
Max is gone, and Shirin is left alone with terrible people who don’t appreciate her greatness. Well, thanks for reading, everyone. It looks like this was all a waste, and Survivor will forever try to convince us that intelligent, funny, well-adjusted people are just the worst. Go ahead and pour it on.
Wait, wait, wait!
What was that sound?
Did I just hear the Kathy/Rupert/Cochran emotionally uplifting musical cues? And for the woman that Survivor was desperately trying to convince us was some annoying nutjob last week?
Ok, calm down. Let’s not get too excited about this. Maybe they felt bad about her shitty edit and decided to make a meager attempt to course-correct before she gets voted out. We’ll just see how the rest of the episode plays out.
Oh look, Shirin’s tribe won the reward! And Shirin is talking about how she’s bonding with her tribe a bit. This is fun. What could possibly ruin this moment?
Oh, right. Here’s an idea: I’ve found that in situations where there is tension in a group, it’s nice to find something you can all agree upon. Some common ground. So why doesn’t Shirin’s tribe just bond over Carolyn’s awfulness? Can we all drink to that?
Still, it’s looking like an uphill battle to save Shirin. If only she had a few more days to ingratiate herself with these people and convince them that their initial impressions of her were wrong. So. Fucking. Wrong. But despite the reward challenge win, repeating that success in an immunity challenge will be tough. Unless of course the other tribe was dumb enough to throw the challenge. But what are the odd-
Oh, right. So, pretty great odds, then?
Well that worked out nicely. Mike sees the chance to help out Kelly, and he’s willing to go through with Rodney’s plan. Under normal circumstances, I would never approve of anything that involved agreeing with a plan Rodney made. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I fully support this decision. I would never turn down this delicious cake the blue tribe has decided to give me, even if there isn’t any icing on it.
Hmm? What’s that?
Icing on the cake? You shouldn’t have. Actually yes, you should have. You probably should have last week, but whatever. That is some sweet, sweet icing. Goodbye, Sir D-Bag of the Order of the Wet Blankets. That’s one Wet Blanket down, two to go. And with the merge coming next week, suddenly the other two Wet Blankets might just be in an awfully bad position. Meanwhile, Shirin is still standing. To paraphrase a famous line, “You come at the Queen, you best not miss.”
This week on Twitter:
Let’s start around last Wednesday, in happier times before Queen Wet Blanket turned on our heroes and sent Max home. Shirin talks about how she’d prepared for Survivor by watching videos about how to properly kill a chicken, then going to a farmer to get firsthand experience by killing and dressing a rabbit.
Seems practical, right? Especially since live chickens were a reward in the episode? No. According to Joaquin, that’s sociopath behavior. Coincidentally, Joaquin’s preparation for Survivor involved doing a line of blow off of a stripper. I wonder if Joaquin’s “bro” Tyler would be a sociopath if he’d killed a rabbit to prepare for the show. Probably so, right? I’m sure Joaquin’s diagnosis had nothing to do with his opinion of Shirin or her gender.
In other adventures with fauna, Max was attacked by a stingray. But our superfan heroes stick together. Shirin has his back. She’ll shower him with love, and with whatever else he may require.
But at a certain point, not even the magic of Shirin’s graciously offered urine seemed likely to save Max. Perhaps a well-timed “Hold up, bro” might spare him?
Alas, no. Probst seems shaken by Max’s reminder that the other producers didn’t go with his original idea for this season’s gimmick: Survivor: Malcolm vs. Culpepper vs. who-fucking-ever, bro.
Annoyed? Fuck that. Who could possibly be annoyed at-
Oh, right. Dammit, Jenn! If a picture is worth a thousand words, 990 of that picture’s words are “FUCK!” And Max, always a sucker for a good homage, flicks Jenn off like a certain soulless blonde tends to do in most of her pictures. The rest of us will mourn in the traditional manner.[tweet 578445292384563200 align=’center’ width=425]
Back in Nicaragua, just-voted-out Max is in good spirits. And in good clothing.
Look at the shirt! He’s wearing the shirt that helped win my love in the Max hype post! Man, I wish I had that shirt. Oh wait, I do.
And if you were worried that Max wouldn’t bounce back from his early boot on Survivor, you shouldn’t be. He’s right back in that saddle, there are plenty of other fish in the sea, and other such cliches!
Sticking with the “fish in the sea” analogy: Kat is a catch and release. But other Max fans seemed to agree that he needed a good rebound. And if that rebound could help him get back on Survivor? Even better.
Oh well. Maybe Max won’t ever get to return to Survivor to try again. That certainly won’t keep me from attempting to cast him every time we do a fan-casting of a future Survivor season. Hell, I’ve somehow managed to throw Kourtney Moon in every time we do one of those, and she didn’t even make it to the first vote. At this point, there’s only one thing Max can do- the same thing all of us should do:
Final verdict: Max dominates the social media portion this week, but I have to give the edge to Shirin for joining the ranks of the date-able and making the merge.
Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Cambodia