One of the best things about talking about Survivor on the internet is that you can endlessly speculate on what will happen. Devising ridiculously complex scenarios for how your favorite player navigates the minefield to win the game is one of the joys of being a Survivor fan. But despite how terrible the predictions of others are, the story I am about to weave for you is 100% guaranteed to happen. (There are no spoilers involved in this, if it does happen to go down exactly like this you can only blame my uncanny knack for being awesome.)
If my Zero Percent Club posts have taught you anything, it’s that obviously I am brilliant and know everything. And so I give you Matt’s Fan Fiction, Predictions, and Evictions:
Final 9:
I think this is the pivot episode. Now that we have discarded the unifying threat of Joey Amazing, there is nothing keeping the two factions in the majority alliance from beginning to look at each other as threats. So what will happen? I think Rodney’s crew of 4 wants to keep targeting Jenn and Shirin because their plan is to target Mike at 7. But I think Mike smells the division coming and will strike this week. So who goes home? Well, remember when Shirin proved herself to Mike last week? Bye bye, Carolyn! 
Final 8:
Mike is now in firm control of the game but
Jenn wants to watch the world burn. Bye Mike!
Final 7:
This episode will begin with an epic argument between Rodney and Dan that will rage for 3 straight days. Tyler will sit back and smirk. Then he gets voted out.
Final 6:
Suddenly everyone looks around and realizes that the most likable person out there might be Sierra. Before she can turn sideways and disappear into the background, they will vote her out.
Final 5:
Rodney and Dan, having forged a bond through constant bickering, will team up. They will target Jenn who will be on an immunity run. But Shirin plays the advantage she has been holding onto from the auction and they eliminate Rodney, who goes out in a blaze of Bahstan accented curses.
Final 4:
Will goes home.
Final 3:
Jenn, Shirin, and Dan. Dan receives the worst beating a final tribal contestant has ever seen, Jenn loses a few votes due to almost quitting and Shirin has almost half the jury ask her incredulously what she did to get to the end despite her having literally controlled every vote starting at final 9. Jenn wins.
Matt is clearly insane and possibly drunk. You can’t follow him on Twitter, because Matt is too good for Twitter.
Matt is convinced that all Survivor contestants named Michel(l)e are bad tv and you cannot prove he ever said otherwise. Also if he ever takes a strong stance about why everyone else is wrong, it is he that is inevitably wrong.
Favorite seasons: Micronesia, Heroes vs. Villains, Palau, Philippines, Pearl Islands, Cagayan