The merge has come and gone with no Outcast twist, so it looks like Max will continue to fight for my love from the sidelines. Alas. But we’ll always have my previous Max and Shirin fight for my love posts for in-game Max action.
On the episode:
We’ve merged! It’s an individual game now! Shirin has a one in
twelve (Rodney) eleven (Will) ten (Dan) nine (Carolyn) eight shot at winning! (And no, that’s not some spoiler of who is getting voted out next. I’m just making the point that those people aren’t winning.) All of you who abandoned the Shirin bandwagon a few weeks ago should be ashamed.
But of course, a merged tribe needs a merged tribe name for some reason. So what will it be? Culo Pelo, the exotic-sounding name I would have proposed if I were there? Some kind of homage to a past Survivor season? A boring combination of pre-merge tribe names? Nope!
This episode also featured some major pricks. Dan got pricked by a stingray or jellyfish or some other such sea creature, and was hobbling back to shore when Shirin asked him what happened. You may remember that a few weeks ago, our beloved hero Max was similarly afflicted. At the time, we never saw Shirin offer to pee on it (which, according to my sources, has no medical benefit).
But Shirin got a second chance here, and she wasn’t going to turn it down. Shirin enthusiastically offers to pee on Dan. Like, “I’m going to Disney World!”-level enthusiastically. Shirin really wants to piss on people. Shirin might be R. Kelly.
This was also an episode (and a series of secret scenes) that gave us some fantastic Shirin screengrabs. She must have consumed some Eliza Orlins-tainted water that causes one to become expressive as fuck. And as someone who writes these things every week and runs the Purple Rock twitter account, this was a godsend. Witness:
I’m not going to recap what happened at tribal council, because there is but one thing that mattered at tribal council: Like a European baby boy’s penis, Shirin’s tribe stayed intact. Fist bump.
This week on Twitter:
I’m going to give you some advanced warning here. I know a lot of you read this at work. If you keep scrolling down, you’re going to encounter an image that you may not want displayed on your monitor at your workplace when you are theoretically supposed to be doing something productive. I’ll give you a little bit more buffer before I get to it, but you’ve been warned.
At the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast website, we believe in giving the people what they want. And apparently what people really want- and badly, judging by exactly how much traffic we got looking for it- is naked Max.
Seriously, check out the searches that led to our site last month:
I’m actually tempted to write a post where I attempt to answer or otherwise provide the content that caused people to end up at our site, because “Max Survivor naked” is one of the more tame/normal searches we got last month. But for those of you- and again, you are legion apparently- that wanted to see Max from Survivor nude, I give you this:
Sorry about the helmet, people who had searched “Survivor Max hung”. You’ll just have to use your imagination- which I’m guessing you’re already doing anyway.
The birthday suit picture was appropriate, because Max was actually celebrating a birthday. But is it truly a celebration if Shirin isn’t involved? If Max and Shirin make a video like this one:
every single one of you better encourage them to come to my birthday party. After all, I’m pretty sure that the right thing to do when someone has an insane delusion is to indulge that delusion. I think that’s steps 1 through 12 in the 12-step recovery. Plus, I know that both Max and Shirin have seen that video.
Not only that, but Max has been pretty clear that it’s not a party unless Shirin shows up. When Twinnie Winnie and Joaquin decided to meet up and party in Miami (so sad I wasn’t invited!), Max tried to make sure they had a fun time.
Max’s troll game is strong. But of course, Shirin is not to be outdone in that department. Stephen Fishbach, much like Andy, is not on board the Shirin bandwagon. And like Andy he delights in rooting for her to get booted. So when it doesn’t happen- like it didn’t last week- we get this:
You know why Shirin didn’t go home, Stephen? Because she’s amazing. Back me up on this one, Max.
Swoon. Thanks for the reminder of how great you are, Max. I wish there was some other way I could thank you. Do you have Snapchat?
Final verdict: I’m a sucker for a birthday. So here’s your gift, Dear Leader: this week goes to Max.
John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He can get loud too, what the fuck!
Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Cambodia