The 5 Survivors I’d actually watch on The Bachelor

When our friends at Inside Survivor posted a rumor (since retracted) that Michele from Kaoh Rong was attempting to be cast on The Bachelor, I reacted in much the same way I reacted to every Michele confessional in Kaoh Rong: “Oh. Ok.” 

Survivor Bachelor logo

But which Survivors would warrant a different reaction from me? Which Survivors, if they were contestants on The Bachelor, would actually make me interested in the show?

First, some background and disclaimers: I’m not going to watch The Bachelor (or The Bachelorette). I never have, and I don’t really have any interest. I’m not judging the people that watch it; the show’s concept just doesn’t hold any appeal for me. I don’t want to watch people competing for roses and rings, I want to watch people competing for the only thing that really matters in life: money.

My perceptions of which Survivors would be ideal for The Bachelor is inherently flawed, because I’m only vaguely aware of how the show operates. I’ve picked a few things up from tweets I’ve seen: roses are given out to people that get to stay for another week, the phrase “the right reasons” is The Bachelor equivalent of “I’m not here to make friends”, and the contestants fuck.

On the other hand, when friend of the show (and 2-time podcast guest) Cory Barker suggested that I write about the Survivors I’d rather see on The Bachelor, I knew that this would be great #offseasoncontent. Or, at the very least, mediocre #offseasoncontent. More importantly, it lets me make fun of Survivors and a show I’ve never seen.

Bachelor #1: Randy Bailey

Gabon- Randy is the king of Gabon with wine glass
“Heeeeyyy girl. You wanna party with the King of Gabon?”

Is he the first name on this list because I just recently watched Gabon? Maybe. But he’s also a perfect candidate to intrigue me enough to watch. I’d watch Randy as the bachelor because I assume The Bachelor generally just casts a young, nice, blandly handsome white guy in the role. Imagine the horror of the bachelorettes when they see that they’re competing for the affections of old, misanthropic Randy.

What’s a successful date for Randy? Netflix and shut the fuck up? I’m guessing that Randy as the bachelor just turns into a weeks-long competition to determine which human annoys Randy the least. I’d watch just to find out how many women said, “Fuck it, I’m out” within the first few dates.

I assume they supply everyone on the show with ample amount of alcohol. But if they didn’t before, I’d insist that they start doing so with Randy’s season. In fact, make each episode contain a forced product placement segment where the product is a beer or liquor.

Bachelorette #2: Abi-Maria Gomes

abi-youre-dead
Let’s see how literal that is!

Abi-Maria might be the absolute best choice for this list, because we could all witness the televised version of something almost all of us have experienced in real life: the slow realization that you’ve made a huge mistake. Let’s follow along as Josh, a hypothetical bachelor, shares his thoughts each week while competing for Abi-Maria’s love:

Episode 1: “Abi-Maria is definitely my type. She seems like she’ll be pretty fun, and I can’t wait to get to spend some more time with her.”

Episode 2: “I did think it was a little weird that Abi-Maria threatened to stab that guy in the neck when he said he was just here to make friends and have a good time. But I get how, from her perspective, that could be frustrating. Anyway, he didn’t get a rose, so that means I’ll get a little more time with Abi next week.”

Episode 3: “On our dinner date this week, Abi-Maria grabbed me by the shirt and whispered, ‘If you were a real man you’d poison all these other bachelors just to be with me.’ That was pretty intense, but that’s just the kind of woman she is. I appreciate her fiery spirit.”

Episode 4: “We had sex this week, and it was pretty wild. I think we’re definitely clicking.”

Episode 5: “I asked the server at dinner if she would put my dressing on the side of my salad, and Abi-Maria threw her drink at me and yelled, ‘Why are you looking at her like that?!’ I wasn’t trying to flirt with the server at all, but it must have seemed like I was.”

Episode 6: “This week, my friends and family got to meet Abi-Maria, which was great. Afterwards, my family and friends did this whole thing where they pretended to stage an intervention with me. It was really funny.”

Episode 7: “I deleted my Twitter account this week because Abi-Maria was getting upset that too many women were replying to my tweets. But we also got to spend a week in a penthouse suite courtesy of the show, so overall I’d call this week a win.”

Episode 8: “Abi-Maria said I wasn’t taking this relationship seriously enough, so this week she demanded that we go look at wedding rings. But while we were there, she got angry that the saleswoman was being a bit too friendly with me, so she didn’t speak to me for the next two days.”

Episode 9: “After I told the producers I was going to propose to Abi, they started requiring me to have daily check-ins with the show’s therapist. I guess that’s just standard procedure, but I feel like the therapist is really opening my eyes to some things.”

Episode 10: On-screen chyron- “Josh packed up and fled the bachelor house in the middle of the night. He left behind a note: ‘Please don’t ever contact me again.’ We are honoring his request.”

Bachelor #3: Richard Hatch

Richard Hatch
“Draw me like one of your French girls.”

Has The Bachelor ever had a gay bachelor? I’m assuming the answer is no, because until very recently there wasn’t a realistic possibility that there could be a legal marriage proposal at the end of the show. And since the show’s ideal ending would be a marriage, a gay bachelor or bachelorette probably wouldn’t have had the stakes the network wanted. (Also, let’s be real: If they would have cast a gay bachelor, huge swaths of the American public would have taken to various comment sections to talk about the downfall of American television. More than they already do.)

We need a gay man that will take this show in a direction its creators never intended. Why not cast a man that has experience doing exactly that? Plus, his potential suitors could run the gamut of gay sub-communities: bears, otters, twinks, and jocks. Hatch could even give confessionals explaining the various sub-communities. He’d be educating and entertaining us!

I think Hatch might actually be married, which would theoretically eliminate him from competing on this show. But realistic thinking went out the window the moment I suggested that I’d ever watch The Bachelor. So let’s double down on the lack of realism and increase the crossover appeal: we can have various Survivors competing for Hatch. We’ll bring in Todd from China, Brice from Cagayan, JP and Brad from Cook Islands, and Papa Bear from South Pacific. Sure, some of them might be out of Richard’s league. But television has a rich history of an attractive spouse character having shockingly low standards (see Tobias and Lindsay on Arrested Development).

Bachelor #4: John Cochran

Cochran basket hat

Why would I choose Cochran as the bachelor? Just look at that picture! Actually, that’s not a very flattering picture, is it? What else do we have?

Cochran sunburned

Yikes. Do we have anything that could make him a little more appealing to the ladies?

South Pacific- Cochran in cowboy hat coach jacket

There we go. That picture just oozes bachelor-ness, in that any self-respecting woman would see that outfit and immediately take a hard pass. But I’m not going to shit all over Cochran. I love that guy. He’s one of my favorite Survivors. I even got to meet Cochran at a Survivor afterparty, and he was wonderful and engaging.

Unlike some others on this list, I’d actually be rooting for Cochran to find an acceptable person to date. It would be hilarious to see a bachelor and a field of women so pale that it looks like the winter Olympics, though. They could easily integrate product placement segments for sunscreens, umbrellas, and rash guard clothing.

I’d look forward to Cochran tweeting funny things at various women he liked, then promptly deleting the tweets because they weren’t funny enough. And I’d enjoy watching Fishbach and Sophie tweet encouraging things to him throughout the season, while also subtweeting women who criticized Cochran.

Most importantly, it would be fun to judge whether the women competing for Cochran stacked up to the type of woman I think would be good for him. Because based on my ten minutes of interaction with him, I’ve already formulated an idea of what his ideal companion would be like.

Bachelorette #5: Cydney Gillon

Kaoh Rong- Cydney basket hat
Our “Survivors wearing basket hats” image folder is getting a lot of use today.

Much like Cochran, I might have too much of a rooting interest on this one. I’ll judge every potential bachelor to be unworthy of Cydney’s greatness. I’ll watch like a protective father; a smaller, weaker, lower-melanin version of Cydney’s own massive dad.

I’ll delight in Cydney’s post-date confessionals where she judges the men that go too heavy on carbs or choose the wrong lean proteins. The men will join her poolside at the bachelorette mansion and be hesitant to take off their shirts because they’ll feel like she’s judging their bodies. Which she will. Harshly. And they’ll try to mansplain shit to her before she interrupts them with a “BRRRT!” and points at her Penn diploma on the wall.

Don’t check Cydney, boo.

Honorable mentions

There are others that I wouldn’t necessarily watch a whole season of, but their presence would prompt me to at least read a bit about the show or watch a few highlight clips.

Shane Powers (Panama)Mostly because I’m just interested to learn who willingly signs up for a potential relationship with Shane.

Missy Payne (San Juan del Sur)– I’d mainly want to know who is enlisting to be the next person to divorce Missy.

Katie Collins (Blood vs. Water)– I’d actually only watch this one if all her dates were recruited and screened by Tina.

Stephen Fishbach (Tocantins, Cambodia)– I’d be rooting for him, but then the show would end with Stephen helping a friend find true love instead.

Rupert Boneham (lots of seasons)– I know he’s married, but much like he does with Survivor, he’d willingly buy into the theme of the show. If the producers told him the show was going polygamist, he’d propose to a new woman every week.

Crystal Cox (Gabon)– Her “Forget you, go home, goodbye!” sendoff would be even more appropriate on The Bachelorette, and she has experience being surrounded by a group of people who could use some love in their lives.

John
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John

John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He is still not sure if it was just a f*%king stick.

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Micronesia, Cagayan
John
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  • Purple Rock Emma

    Courtney was robbed.

    • Kemper Boyd

      Best Bachelorette ever!

    • Other Scott

      Courtney would probably be better as a contestant? I don’t know enough about the Bachelor(ette)

    • I hate saying this but I could see three problems with Courtney:
      1) She’s too old for the Bachelor
      2) Her skinniness could be a major problem for Production, especially since the Bachelor has gotten a bit of resurgence in pop culture.
      3) She’s not the pretty you normally see from a Bachelor contestant.

      CAVEAT: I have only seen one season of this show because The Bachelor was from my area.

  • Black Dynamite

    I would legitimately watch if Jerri was the bachelorette, though I can’t imagine any suitors worthy of her love. Well no one except Colby.

    • EmAndScoutInBK

      Pfft – Colby is not worthy. Nor is he a Hershey bar.

    • Hornacek

      No love for Coach?

      • Black Dynamite

        It wouldn’t be fair to the rest of the contestants. No one can resist the Dragon Slayer.

    • That would be great, especially considering her recent fairly bitter divorce.

      • Black Dynamite

        Didn’t even know she was married. I’ve learned another lesson from you. I hope there isn’t a test.

        • This is actually her second divorce. She was briefly married before she was even on Survivor. The only reason I know about this recent marriage is because she discussed it in her HOF interview because she was hosting an after show during Cambodia but suddenly disappeared after Week 3.

          • Black Dynamite

            Only one more to complete the Missy Payne/Ross Geller Triple Crown.

          • Jerri deserves better than that, especially since Jerri implies that her ex-husband (who there was no photographic proof of despite the fact that they were married by Lex) is trying to clean her out. That is especially devastating because she has been trying to be a private chef for a while.

          • Black Dynamite

            Damn, that sucks to hear. I really hope things work out for the best for Jerri.

          • Here’s the interview that followed Jerri’s induction to the Survivor Hall of Fame: http://my.xfinity.com/blogs/tv/2015/12/14/survivor-hall-of-fame-2015-inductee-jerri-manthey/.

          • Black Dynamite

            God, my heart goes out to her. It’s tough to have to face a battle like that. I shouldn’t have made light of her situation. Sometimes I forget the pain that divorce causes.

            On a lighter note, I badly want to see Jerri join the four timers club now.

          • You didn’t know. A bunch of people still don’t know if they didn’t read the interview.

  • Black Dynamite

    Also I may not be the first to point this out but Missy is kind of the Ross Geller of Survivor.

  • Kemper Boyd

    The show you are looking for for Katie Collins is called Arranged. Spoiler Tina chooses Hayden for her.

    • Purple Rock Emma

      I’m still rooting for those two crazy kids.

      • Kemper Boyd

        I think Katie Collins is living her best life. She’s making reasonable bank working on Wall Street and being young in NY. She seemed completely unphased by her mother’s need to marry her off.

        • Purple Rock Emma

          Oh, I’m not saying it needs to happen right away. Like, two people I went to high school with just reconnected and started dating, and it’s adorable. It can be like that!

    • Hornacek

      Each episode opens with a camera shot of Katie’s feet, cutting to a shot of Tina holding a club, saying “Here, you’ll need this.”

  • Hornacek

    “… and Papa Bear from South Pacific.”

    I always get Papa Bear and Papa Smurf mixed up. How is it that this show has had two adult men be players that both have a nickname including the word “Papa”?

    Holy crap, they even look alike!

    Papa Bear Smurf Bear: http://vignette4.wikia.nocookie.net/survivor/images/d/d2/S23_Mark_Caruso.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250?cb=20120617044652

    Papa Smurf Bear Smurf: http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/survivor/images/f/f0/S14_Gary_Stritesky.jpg/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250?cb=20120616045516

    • It’s easy to remember if you know enough about gay subculture…

      • sharculese

        Yeah, Papa Bear’s nickname is clearly a way of his owning his late-life coming out.

    • Which is a bit ironic because Papa Smurf, during his CBS blogs for China, was really dismissive about Todd to the point that it had a homophobic subtext. Also, Papa Smurf thought that he was a shoo-in for All Stars 2.

  • Hornacek

    From what I’ve seen on RHAP, Randy is a fan of the Bachelorette. Unironically, apparently. So he would probably do great since he already knows all of the strategy.

    • The strategy being “Keep around the people you’re interested in?”

      • Hornacek

        I’m sure he would utilize some of the Survivor strategies, just to mess with the women he didn’t like.

  • Hornacek

    I don’t think I could watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette without laughing the entire episode because I would be thinking about the Joe Schmo 2 show, which was a spoof of dating reality shows where only the bachelor and bachelorette contestants thought it was real and everyone else was an actor trying to fool them. The male contestant gave out pearl necklaces to the women, and the female contestant lit the giant candles the men held in front of them at their waists. Not surprisingly, the female contestant quickly realized that it was all fake, and the male never figured it out until they told him in the last episode.

    • Saturday Night Palsy

      I wastched that. Kristen Wiig got her start on the first season. I saw it (didn’t know who she was at the time, of course) but I don’t remember much about it. Was it also a dating theme?

      • Hornacek

        Dr. Pat!

        The first Joe Schmo was a Big Brother style spoof, where your picture was on a plate, and when you got voted out they threw your plate into the fireplace, shattering it.

        • Saturday Night Palsy

          Dr. Pat hooked up with the bad boy. Randy would’ve fallen for it.

          • Hornacek

            WHAT IS GOING ONNNNNNN????

        • indescribable hat

          These sound a little amazing.

          • Hornacek

            It was great. The smarmy host would say “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, (player’s name), you’re dead to us” before throwing the plate. And Kristen Wiig actually got sent to the hospital with a head injury from a sumo challenge!

            They did a third season where players were competing to be a bounty hunter. Lorenzo Lamas was one of the contestants, playing himself, constantly pushing his line of banana hammocks.

          • Saturday Night Palsy

            IIRC, one of the contestants in the first season was allowed to come back and rather than give them a new plate they just scotch-taped up the plate they had previously thrown in the fireplace.

          • Hornacek

            Ok, it’s official. I’ve got to dig out the DVD and rewatch this show.

  • Billy Garcia.

  • Roswulf

    Tony Vlachos, pretending to be single as part of an elaborate plot that doesn’t fully make sense and involves making wildly unpredictable decisions every three hours that still somehow work out… that I would watch.

    • He was one I was considering writing up, but I wasn’t sure how to describe the chaos that would need to take place to hold my interest.

    • Hornacek

      This sounds like Rob’s pilot for “The Vlachos” he was trying to Cochran to work on.

  • indescribable hat

    The problem with a gay bachelor(ette) is convincing the contestants to keep pursuing this one person they don’t see that much of when they’re trapped in a house with people they might be interested in. (Not that that’s what’s stopping the show, which has also never cast a black bachelor(ette), but it would kind of break the setup.)

    • I can’t believe I didn’t think of that angle. To me, it would be pretty fascinating to watch a bunch of people theoretically competing for the bachelor, but ending up with each other instead (though I can see why it might ruin the show’s carefully crafted gimmick).

    • sharculese

      From what I understand, isn’t this already how Bachelor in Paradise works?

      • indescribable hat

        Just googled it and yeah, you could totally make that show with a gay cast, but it would be a little embarrassing if you said you were making The Bachelor and then everyone ran around dating whoever they wanted and not listening to you. I secretly want this to happen.

        • I un-secretly want this to happen. Even though I won’t be watching anyway.

        • Other Scott

          I think the producers of that show have enough power that they would still get the contestants to feign interest, even if it was fake and they were more interested in their co-castmates.

          Like there’s probably been a ton of times where the contestants were like “I really dislike this bachelor(ette)” but they put on a nice face for the show until they got eliminated anyways.

          Plus it would create the additional drama of having to stay in the gay bachelor(ette)’s good graces so you can stay in the house with your actual crush.

    • They have never had a POC be the bachelor(ette) ever. They came close this season, but decided to give it to JoJo at the last minute because the producers felt more comfortable with her ie she was the safe choice for the flyover states.

      • indescribable hat

        Wait for real??? I remember reading about the woman they had originally cast and didn’t know it hadn’t happened. Jesus.

        • Nope. That’s why the main plot for season two of Unreal is that they have a black male as the bachelor.

  • sharculese

    The Bachelor and the Bachelorette terrify me. I feel like they’re part of some government plot to pair up all of America’s most unnerving sociopaths to breed a real-life Hannibal Lecter who will one day enslave us all.

  • sharculese

    Also I would go on a 3-day bender with Abi, but that’s 3 days maximum.

    • Just make sure you have a solid exit strategy.

      • sharculese

        I’m operating under the assumption that it ends with me jumping out of a moving car.

        • Alycia Swift

          Which might be a relief after a 3-day bender with Abi.

          • sharculese

            I was gonna say that I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like to jump out of a moving car but then I remember that I’ve done it before. I got a concussion and when I came to I thought the car was talking to me.

        • Personally, I’d fake my own death. Just in case.

  • Ethan Kyle

    Wasn’t Michelle dating Nick (Also from Kaoh Right) For a while?