Matt’s Fan Fiction, Predictions, and Evictions

One of the best things about talking about Survivor on the internet is that you can endlessly speculate on what will happen. Devising ridiculously complex scenarios for how your favorite player navigates the minefield to win the game is one of the joys of being a Survivor fan. But despite how terrible the predictions of others are, the story I am about to weave for you is 100% guaranteed to happen. (There are no spoilers involved in this, if it does happen to go down exactly like this you can only blame my uncanny knack for being awesome.)

Ok, so my first attempt at this backfired horribly last week, but I got it now. This prediction is sure to come to fruition; I guarantee it. I give you the revised Matt’s Fan Fiction, Predictions, and Evictions:

Final 8:
Our heroes are outnumbered and assholes abound. Can they turn the tide? No. Mike plays his idol, but the vote-split sends Shirin home.

Will i dont stutter
That’s a fact.

Final 7:
It’s Mike versus the world. Can Mike overcome the odds and flip the script? No. Mike gets distracted


and can’t pull out the immunity win. He joins the most awesome jury ever. And we all think Ponderosa is more interesting than the actual game. (Editor’s note: This is when John stops watching episodes and starts watching Ponderosa videos instead. Expect guest podcast hosts if this happens.)

Final 6:

Suddenly everyone looks around and realizes that the most likable person out there might be Sierra. Before she can turn sideways and disappear into the background, they will vote her out. (Note: I didn’t even have to change this prediction!)

Final 5:

Dan thinks he is on the outs, but Rodney and Will see him as a goat, or at least a bigger goat than Tyler. Dan latches on and Tyler goes home.

Final 4:

With Dan, Rodney and Will in the game do you really think they’ll take a woman to final tribal with them? Bye Carolyn!

Final 3:

Will, Rodney and Dan. Will isn’t respected, Rodney isn’t liked, and Dan isn’t respected or liked. So who wins? Who gives a fuck? None of us are still watching at this point anyway. Salt the ground and purge your memory, this was an abomination.

Matt has clearly been driven insane by this season. You can’t follow him on Twitter, because Matt is too good for Twitter. Just as he is clearly too good at making predictions.