Survivor Worlds Apart hype man preview: Shirin Oskooi

In hip-hop music, a hype man supports the rappers with exclamations and interjections and attempts to increase the audience’s excitement. In honor of Survivor’s upcoming Worlds Apart season, I’ll be picking out a few members of the cast and serving as hype man to get you excited about both the player and the game. First up: Shirin.

Shirin Oskooi

What? You don’t know Shirin? That’s ok, most people can’t see far enough above them to see where Shirin sits. She graduated from an Ivy League school (yes, it was Brown, but that technically counts), she used to run Google Calendar, and now she runs Yahoo! Answers.

(Fun side note: I have had no less than four Yahoo! accounts banned from Yahoo! Answers for providing insulting, useless, or incorrect answers. I am the Rupert of getting banned from Yahoo! Answers. I wish I were making this up.)

Did I mention Shirin is only 31? What the fuck are you doing with your life? Shirin even got a shout-out from the fucking CEO of Yahoo!

Marissa Mayer + Shirin = BFFs

Shirin is so tight with the CEO of Yahoo! that I bet Marissa would even let Shirin work from home if she wanted to. Or maybe not, because that’s for fucking slackers. And again, Shirin accomplished more this morning than you have in the last decade. She probably even brushes her teeth better than you do.

Are you starting to turn on her? Are you thinking she’s too good for you? Well fuck you, you’re wrong! Shirin is amazing. Have you seen her CBS cast bio? Let’s hit some highlights from that bio:

Question: If You Could Have 3 Things on The Island What Would They Be and Why? (blame CBS for that ridiculous capitalization obsession, not me)
Shirin’s answer: 1. A goat (or a muffin) 2. whiskey 3. Beyoncé.

Shirin murdered that answer in just seven words. First, she shows she has game. She’s going to find her goat and ride it to the end.

This feels like a promo picture for a CBS comedy
Love you Bay!

Once she’s got her game locked down with her goat, she’s out to have fun. She’s double-fisting it with Jack and Jameson and yelling “Turn down for what!” at you. And it’s not a party without Queen Bey. Or maybe she wants Beyonce out there for the same reasons I would. Either way, are you gonna judge Shirin?

Question: Pet Peeves?
Shirin’s answer: Quitters and morons.

Shade. Thrown. Shirin is a fan. She watched San Juan del Sur because that’s what fans do. But she watched it with disdain for that cast like any good Survivor fan did. That cast ruined a beautiful streak the show had going (respect to Natalie for preventing an all-time horrendous season, though). Shirin respects game. That season had none.

You’re not on board yet? You haven’t ordered a Shirin poster to hang on your wall? Keep reading, but keep in mind there’s only so much room on the Shirin bandwagon.

In Shirin’s interview with Gordon Holmes, she wants to have “…a threesome here and go-to twosomes over here…” and the quote is so good I’m not even going to give you context. Then she drops Survivor knowledge:

“In JT’s season, everybody just wanted him to win. Nobody talked about voting him out. I think we’ve got a couple of people that if I want them out that nobody is going to be on board. I’m going to have to do some shady shit.” (The quote actually says “expletive deleted” where I wrote “shit”, but I’m assuming she wasn’t going to have to do some shady asshole or shady fuck.)

Shirin knows what’s up. Some people are just charming and likable. People want to be friends with Malcolm and Kim; they seem so cool and nice. Shirin sees their charm for what it really is: an obstacle standing between her and the title of sole Survivor.

And are you an Amanda Kimmel fan? So is Shirin, in that she’d love to play Survivor with her. Other than that, she can’t fucking stand her. She knows Amanda is the all-time goat- the G.O.A.T. goat, if you will. Have you seen Amanda in a final tribal council? Then you know what Shirin is talking about.

You notice anything else? Shirin is name-dropping. Amanda. JT. She even mentions Rob Cesternino and Sandra. Survivor’s producers force you to watch the most recent season prior to playing, so you get an idea of how the show works. Fuck that. Shirin doesn’t half-ass. She whole-asses (that’s the opposite of half-assing, right?). She’s seen this show, and she’s not here to be your pre-merge fodder. She’s here to smile knowingly as CBS flashes a HASHTAG BLINDSIDE in the corner of the screen and you walk over to Probst to get your torch snuffed.

Get on the Shirin train now and maybe we’ll let you join us up front, where we’re pounding Jack Daniels and slurring our way through “Single Ladies”.