Survivor Worlds Apart hype man preview: Jenn Brown

In hip-hop music, a hype man supports the rappers with exclamations and interjections and attempts to increase the audience’s excitement. In honor of Survivor’s upcoming Worlds Apart season, I’ll be picking out a few members of the cast and serving as hype man to get you excited about both the player and the game. Today’s candidate: Jenn.

Jenn Brown, pimping as though it were easy

Jenn? Not my thing, you’re thinking. Not winner material. She seems flighty. She seems weird. She doesn’t seem to take this very seriously.  Well you know who else didn’t take things very seriously? The Pope. Angela Merkel. Eli Whitney, inventor of the cotton gin. Someone I can’t think of right now who turned out to be very successful and proved all of you wrong. And Jenn is about to make it happen again.

According to her bio video, Jenn is a sailing instructor. She also says “and I make wine now?” as if CBS put up a cue card in front of her and told her to say that. It confused the shit out of her, but she just went with it. Then she doubles down, because that’s what Jenn does. She’s going to use the money to start her own vineyard. But first? She’s buying a fucking jet ski. You think those other vintners are gonna take your ass seriously if you don’t show up on a jet ski? Hell no. You show up at Bob Mondavi’s palatial estate with your latest merlot and here’s the reaction you’ll get:

Condescending Bob Mondavi
“Where the fuck is your jet ski, rookie? Get out of here!”

But hold on, you’re saying. Jenn was only 22 when they played this season. 22 year olds are the worst, you say. And hey, I can’t argue with facts. But if 22 year olds are oatmeal raisin cookies- history’s most hated cookies- maybe Jenn is the one that got made without raisins, thus making her somewhat redeemable? I’ll even give you some evidence to back that up:

Jenn hated the TV show Lost.

In her interview with Gordon Holmes, Jenn mocks Gordon’s Lost shirt. Remember Lost? Did you see how it ended? Wasn’t it the worst? They should have just aired a black screen that said “Oops, nevermind!” for the final two hours of that show. Jenn knows bullshit when she sees it.

Jack, handsome man on shitty show
Don’t act innocent. You know what you did, Jack. We didn’t have to go back.

Jenn took a college class on camping.

And she had to go camping for a grade. How do you not pass that class? Do you have to actually die while camping? If a bear eats your leg but you survive the attack, do you get a D- for nearly dying or do you get extra credit for surviving a bear attack? College is the best. I want to go back to college and take a class about Twitter, where I get graded for being able to tweet so well. Did I mention you can follow me @purplerockpod? (That’s some A+ self-promotion, me. Good job!)

Speaking of Twitter, Jenn is good at it.

Look at the evidence. Jenn has a sense of humor!

Jenn "accidentally" stayed in a brothel
Also awesome? Jenn’s mom.

She cares about racial equality.

Jenn loves white people, and white people love mangoes
I have one of those. I call it a “knife”.

And she’s very perceptive.

Nobody likes you when you're 23

I was so proud of her for being able to pick up on that fact, I replied to her and reminded her that this also applies when you’re 22. Jenn carefully weighed my argument and presented the most valid and appropriate response.

Jenn gives me one good reason to like her
“Right? Stupid beach.”

Jenn knows Survivor.

You’re a big Survivor fan. I know this, because you’re still reading. Either that, or you’re actually Jenn. In which case my original point still stands: You’re a big Survivor fan. So isn’t it great when the show casts someone you can relate to? Someone that has watched season after season of this show, forming a list of favorite seasons, or debating which players should be brought back? (I’m on fire with the self-promotion today.)

Well Jenn is a fan too. All the players have to do a cast bio, and when women don’t know Survivor, CBS just has them say the player they are most like is Parvati. It’s like when you go to a restaurant; they’ll just bring you water unless you ask them not to. Unless you tell CBS you’re not Parvati, you’re Parvati. But Jenn isn’t Parvati.

“Survivor” Contestant You Are Most Like: Malcolm. He’s just like me in guy form, or maybe Kate, as she had a strong personality.

Jenn is young. She’s charming. She’s witty. She’s not bad to look at. So she’s Malcolm.

Like Jenn, but with more Y chromosome.
Like Jenn, but with more Y chromosome.

And if she’s not Malcolm, she’s Kate. Actually, I’m surprised more players don’t compare themselves to Kate. Who could forget that moment where she showed what a strong personality she had?

Footage not found

Oops. Ok, Kate doesn’t exist. Jenn may or may not be drunk.

Jenn nicknamed Vince “Dances with Wolves”.

Jenn scouted the competition. She looked around at the people who were going to be on this season with her, and she’s found a friend already. It’s Vince, or as Jenn calls him, “Dances With Wolves”.

Vince has feathers in his hair intentionallyNevermind that Vince’s CBS bio picture is cropped so horribly that it looks like Vince might be wearing a bra. Jenn saw those feathers in his hair and said, “That’s a man I can align with.” Then she chose a name that references a movie that probably came out when she was two years old. Still, it’s better than any name Phillip ever came up with for someone. Other than Fransesqua.

You want social game? Jenn’s got social game.

You’ve got to build relationships with people to succeed in this game. And on Jenn’s resume- which is actually just a cocktail napkin that she wrote on with a pen she stole from a hotel lobby- it says “Good with people” right at the top, just above the bride and groom’s name (Did I mention the napkin is from a wedding she crashed?).  Let’s check out those people skills in action:

Jenn and I know how Twitter works
In fairness, I thought the same thing.

That’s Jenn interacting with Mike from her season. See how she shows an interest in Mike’s understanding of Twitter? I’m sure she’s implying that she’ll help him learn. And she’s doing it while delightfully ignoring conventional rules about capitalization and punctuation in a way that definitely doesn’t make me irrationally angry (silver lining: she didn’t type “u” for “you”). But Jenn has clearly made friends with other players as well:

Jenn, will you be my BFF?

Ok, so there is mounting evidence that Jenn is not going to be a Survivor mastermind. But Courtney from Survivor: China and Tyson from Survivor: Tocantins weren’t masterminds either, and were you ever disappointed to have Courtney or Tyson in your life? (If you just said yes, get the hell off my website. Now.) Not every player has to win to be great or memorable. Sometimes they just have to entertain us by telling us other people suck at life, or that everyone at tribal council is their friend except Sierra.

Is Jenn going to win Survivor? You never know! Maybe! Technically, she’s got a 1 in 18 chance. Nope! But she’s going to entertain you. You may not even root for her, but you’ll be sad when she’s gone. If they still had fan voting, you’re throwing her a vote so she can win money to get a sweet ass jet ski. Because Jenn is fantastic. And even if she does win, there have been far worse winners.