People’s Survivor blog: The Rob Report

This season, we’ve got a big surprise for you: Survivor host Jeff Probst will be stopping by each week to give us his thoughts on the show and the players. 

This blog post is definitely written by Jeff Probst, host of Survivor, and not that guy who wrote the People’s Survivor blog posts last season. It is most certainly not a parody, but if it were it would probably have been written by John. You can follow John on Twitter @purplerockjohn or @purplerockpod. And you can follow me, Jeff Probst, on twitter @jeffprobst.

As I say all the time, Survivor is a very difficult game to win. But there are some players who are so good at this game that they just make it look easy. So as we approach this week’s merge episode, I’m going to compare each of the remaining players to two of the best to ever play the game: Boston Rob and Parvati.

If Survivor were a prom, Boston Rob and Parvati would be voted prom king and queen (at least if I was the only person voting). Boston Rob has everything you could ask for in a Survivor player: he’s good at challenges, he’s a great liar, he’s funny, he’s a good looking guy, and he’s smart- but not smart like a fucking nerd, just street smart (the cool kind of smart). He won Redemption Island with one of the most dominant games we’ve ever seen- as I said during that season, he was literally carrying his family on his back! He’s a good family man who is raising some beautiful daughters, and he’s great at poker. Parvati is hot and great at flirting.

But let’s talk about this Kaoh Rong group that’s making the merge. Just to be fair, I’m going to compare all the men to Boston Rob and all the women to Parvati.

Nick

Kaoh Rong- Nick vs Scot basketball challenge

Nick definitely steps up in the challenges, even though he lost to a former professional basketball player in the basketball challenge. But Rob’s game always involved finding the best looking girl and teaming up with her: Sarah in Marquesas, Amber in All-Stars, Tyson in Heroes vs. Villains, and Natalie in Redemption Island. Nick started on a tribe with some of the most attractive women in this cast, and the only woman he’s flirted with is Debbie.

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 5

Julia

Kaoh Rong- Julia laughing

Julia is at a disadvantage, because she’s so young that she hasn’t learned how to really flirt with the best of them yet. The best she can hope for is being the Natalie to someone else’s Boston Rob.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 4

Joe

Kaoh Rong- block hits Joe in the head during immunity challenge

Maybe it’s unfair to compare Joe to Boston Rob when we were obviously trying to get him to be the new Rudy. But we kept asking him for his thoughts on gays, and he didn’t give us anything. And Boston Rob would never get hit in the head by blocks. Look how Rob handles blocks like a real man:

Heroes vs Villains challenge- Boston Rob Tyson Danielle Jerri

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 2

Neal

I forget which one Neal is. Oh, the ice cream guy with the idol? The ice cream he makes might be more Boston Rob than he is.

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 2

Cydney

She hasn’t really flirted at all. She’s in really good shape, though. She might win a challenge or two, which is something Parvati also did. People forget that Parvati was good at challenges because she was always so flirty and sexy.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 4

Michele

Kaoh Rong- Michele coming out of the water

Now that is how you Parvati! If only she were out there in the ocean with some guy, twirling her hair and trapping him in her web. There’s still time, though. She’s definitely off to a good start.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 7

Scot

The only person Rob would ever bro down with was me, and even then only when I was giving him a new car or something. Scot is bros with Jason, and he’s bro-mantic with Tai. He’s at least good at challenges, though.

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 4

Jason

He’s much more Russell than Rob. He’s good at finding idols, but Rob never needed idols to be dominant. Rob could’ve thrown his idol into a volcano during Redemption Island. (You may remember that he threw an idol clue into that volcano. It was one of the most iconic scenes we’ve ever had. Boston Rob always delivers!)

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 3

Aubry

Kaoh Rong- Aubry has insane Shambo hair

Look at that fucking picture. She couldn’t even flirt with Shambo, unless maybe Shambo is into women that have similar hairstyles. She’s surprisingly decent at challenges, though.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 3

Tai

Everyone loves Tai, so he definitely has that in common with Boston Rob. And he’s definitely bonded with some of the pretty young women, even though he’s also bro-mancing with Scot (and Caleb before that). He’s just not the type of person that you could just hang out and drink a beer with like men, you know?

Australia- Colby drinks beer with Probst
This photo brings back a lot of memories. And feelings. Miss you, Colby.

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 5

Debbie

Kaoh Rong- Debbie in bikini on a Mercedes

She’s got the right ideas, at least. She’s flirting with Nick, and she’s talking about a women’s alliance. You may not remember, but Parvati had a women’s alliance in Micronesia. People often forget that because it’s so easy to remember all the flirting and the way she used her looks to get ahead in the game.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 5. If she had Anna’s body, she’d be an 8. (In a lot of ways.)

There you have it. My expert opinion on all the players left at the merge. Enjoy this week’s episode. It’s either full of surprises or one of the most dramatic episodes we’ve ever had- I forget which one I’m supposed to say this week.

John
Follow me:

John

John is the co-host of the Purple Rock Survivor Podcast. He can get loud too, what the fuck!

Favorite seasons: Heroes vs. Villains, Cagayan, Pearl Islands, Tocantins, Cambodia
John
Follow me:
  • Mike Hirsch

    Tyson really was the prettiest woman in HvV.

  • Saturday Night Palsy

    That photo of Debbie. It was like driving past a bad car accident. You don’t want to really see anything but you can’t look away.

    • Purplerockmatt

      John has been playing that prank on the staff chat for a while now. Once I saw it here, I immediately went to go yell at him

      • sharculese

        What percentage of staff chat is just people yelling at John? I’m guessing… 30?

        • Side Character

          That seems too low.

          • Purplerockmatt

            nah sounds about right, because there is a substantial amount of yelling at andy/andy yelling at one of us

        • Violina23

          10% Simpsons references?

          • sharculese

            STICK TO THE PLAN
            LIZ NEEDS SKIN GRAFTS

        • Sylvisual

          Even if it was that high, he wouldn’t remember.

        • At this very moment it’s two specific nerds talking about comic books. (Though a few days ago it was three specific nerds talking about comic books.)

          There’s also a decent percentage of chat space devoted to my vitriol about things that are so bland that nobody should bother getting angry at them- I just get angry because they’re so bland that it’s objectionable to me.

      • Saturday Night Palsy

        And now Jeff Probst is using it?

        • He’s got a long-running tradition of stealing my shtick. Back in 1999, I was constantly saying stuff like “Come on in, guys!” and “The person voted out will leave the tribal council area immediately.” The very next year, this guy appears on TV and starts spouting my lines!

          • sharculese

            Did you invent having a closet full of shirts in slightly different tints of blue?

          • Saturday Night Palsy

            If that picture of Debbie on that car is part of your shtick, you may want to consider a shtick-shift.

  • Disgruntled Goat

    That Boston Rob! It truly takes a master Survivor player to win in your first second third fourth attempt!

    • andythesaint

      Failing to win on their first three tries is what makes players like Boston Rob and Cirie shitty at Survivor.

      • Hornacek

        Don’t forget to include Rupert in that list!

      • Disgruntled Goat

        I think that if Fans vs. Favorites had a final 3 instead of a final 2, Cirie would have won.

        • andythesaint

          You can make the same argument for All-Stars with Rob. With the same amount of evidence to back up that opinion.

          • sharculese

            I think vote speculation is a legit part of talking about Survivor. There’s certainly not perfect evidence, but to say that relationships we see on the show don’t give us some window into how a hypothetical might work out goes too far.

            That said, I also don’t believe Cirie wins a final 3 in Micronesia.

          • andythesaint

            Sure, so here’s the speculation: the anti-Rob votes get split between Amber and Jenna. Rob has the plurality of votes. Rob wins on his second try.

          • Kemper Boyd

            I literally puzzled this out last week on here and I think a Final 3 gives an Amanda victory.

          • Disgruntled Goat

            Not sure what you mean. Rob did get to the final TC of AS and still lost.

          • andythesaint

            If that was a final three, the anti-Rob votes would get split between two people and the pro-Rob votes carry the day.

            Of course, there wouldn’t be a final three then (because there wouldn’t be any until Cook Islands), but I thought we were doing that thing where we make up imaginary excuses for the players we like to cover the inconsistent criticisms of the players we don’t like.

          • Disgruntled Goat

            I thought we were doing the thing where we have some fun talking about “what ifs”. Ease back on the throttle there, saint.

          • andythesaint

            Good advice.

        • Kemper Boyd

          Nope a Final 3 probably results in an Amanda or Parv victory. Amanda keeps all her votes: james erik and ozzy 3. Parv: alexis and nat. Cirie: Eliza. Then Siska is swinging so maybe it’s a 3-3-1 with Eliza as the revote going with Parv as she did in real life or its 3-2-2.

  • Hornacek

    They keep talking about Boston Rob. He must work there or something.

  • Kemper Boyd

    Is that a gif of Michele aqua dumping?

    • I don’t think so, unless she’s really adept at pulling her bikini bottoms up one-handed in the ocean.

      • Kemper Boyd

        I was under the assumption she had not pulled them down but pulled them across, leaving her free to dump. But you are probably correct. It super looks like they caught her dumping though.