This season, we’ve got a big surprise for you: Survivor host Jeff Probst will be stopping by each week to give us his thoughts on the show and the players. 

This blog post is definitely written by Jeff Probst, host of Survivor, and not that guy who wrote the People’s Survivor blog posts last season. It is most certainly not a parody, but if it were it would probably have been written by John. You can follow John on Twitter @purplerockjohn or @purplerockpod. And you can follow me, Jeff Probst, on twitter @jeffprobst.

As I say all the time, Survivor is a very difficult game to win. But there are some players who are so good at this game that they just make it look easy. So as we approach this week’s merge episode, I’m going to compare each of the remaining players to two of the best to ever play the game: Boston Rob and Parvati.

If Survivor were a prom, Boston Rob and Parvati would be voted prom king and queen (at least if I was the only person voting). Boston Rob has everything you could ask for in a Survivor player: he’s good at challenges, he’s a great liar, he’s funny, he’s a good looking guy, and he’s smart- but not smart like a fucking nerd, just street smart (the cool kind of smart). He won Redemption Island with one of the most dominant games we’ve ever seen- as I said during that season, he was literally carrying his family on his back! He’s a good family man who is raising some beautiful daughters, and he’s great at poker. Parvati is hot and great at flirting.

But let’s talk about this Kaoh Rong group that’s making the merge. Just to be fair, I’m going to compare all the men to Boston Rob and all the women to Parvati.

Nick

Nick definitely steps up in the challenges, even though he lost to a former professional basketball player in the basketball challenge. But Rob’s game always involved finding the best looking girl and teaming up with her: Sarah in Marquesas, Amber in All-Stars, Tyson in Heroes vs. Villains, and Natalie in Redemption Island. Nick started on a tribe with some of the most attractive women in this cast, and the only woman he’s flirted with is Debbie.

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 5

Julia

Julia is at a disadvantage, because she’s so young that she hasn’t learned how to really flirt with the best of them yet. The best she can hope for is being the Natalie to someone else’s Boston Rob.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 4

Joe

Maybe it’s unfair to compare Joe to Boston Rob when we were obviously trying to get him to be the new Rudy. But we kept asking him for his thoughts on gays, and he didn’t give us anything. And Boston Rob would never get hit in the head by blocks. Look how Rob handles blocks like a real man:

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 2

Neal

I forget which one Neal is. Oh, the ice cream guy with the idol? The ice cream he makes might be more Boston Rob than he is.

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 2

Cydney

She hasn’t really flirted at all. She’s in really good shape, though. She might win a challenge or two, which is something Parvati also did. People forget that Parvati was good at challenges because she was always so flirty and sexy.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 4

Michele

Now that is how you Parvati! If only she were out there in the ocean with some guy, twirling her hair and trapping him in her web. There’s still time, though. She’s definitely off to a good start.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 7

Scot

The only person Rob would ever bro down with was me, and even then only when I was giving him a new car or something. Scot is bros with Jason, and he’s bro-mantic with Tai. He’s at least good at challenges, though.

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 4

Jason

He’s much more Russell than Rob. He’s good at finding idols, but Rob never needed idols to be dominant. Rob could’ve thrown his idol into a volcano during Redemption Island. (You may remember that he threw an idol clue into that volcano. It was one of the most iconic scenes we’ve ever had. Boston Rob always delivers!)

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 3

Aubry

Look at that fucking picture. She couldn’t even flirt with Shambo, unless maybe Shambo is into women that have similar hairstyles. She’s surprisingly decent at challenges, though.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 3

Tai

Everyone loves Tai, so he definitely has that in common with Boston Rob. And he’s definitely bonded with some of the pretty young women, even though he’s also bro-mancing with Scot (and Caleb before that). He’s just not the type of person that you could just hang out and drink a beer with like men, you know?

Boston Rob-ness score (1-10): 5

Debbie

She’s got the right ideas, at least. She’s flirting with Nick, and she’s talking about a women’s alliance. You may not remember, but Parvati had a women’s alliance in Micronesia. People often forget that because it’s so easy to remember all the flirting and the way she used her looks to get ahead in the game.

Parvati-ness score (1-10): 5. If she had Anna’s body, she’d be an 8. (In a lot of ways.)

There you have it. My expert opinion on all the players left at the merge. Enjoy this week’s episode. It’s either full of surprises or one of the most dramatic episodes we’ve ever had- I forget which one I’m supposed to say this week.