Australian Survivor finale week. The slow march to oblivion.

I don’t even know what I want out of this season anymore, guys. What satisfying conclusions are left here?

This dog knows what she wants. Wine.
This dog knows what she wants. Wine.

“Episode 24”

Omigod, I just can’t even. Flick, you were the last member of this cast I could muster a rooting interest in, but now, I just don’t know.

So, after the Sam vote off the battle lines are drawn (I’m yadda, yadda-ing the recap montage.) Matt knows he’s on the bottom and has to make something happen. Flick and El check in and talk about the possibility of a final two. El hedges because El is bad at Survivor. Then, El and Lee go off to remind everyone they’re a solid two, giving Matt time alone to sway Flick and Kristie. Matt gloats. Kristie gloats. Flick is cautiously optimistic.

So it’s on to immunity, the thing where you balance balls on a paddle. I made the mistake of not fast-forwarding through this because I thought there might be temptations. It comes down to Matt and Lee, and Lee wins, meaning it’s El tonight.

Except, and, Flick, here is the part where you lose me, Flick decides she owes it to El to tell her she’s getting voted off. Flick why did you think this was a good idea? You’ve seen how petulantly indignant Lee and El get if you dare mention they’re in a good spot, why did you think the reaction would be anything other than the big baby tantrum El threw? She yells and wags her finger and accuses Flick of lying for the whole game, which is weird because Flick didn’t have to play Survivor for three straight weeks, a thing El knows because El was there.

So El storms back to camp and makes Lee give Flick a good scolding. Also, it’s now pouring, so everyone is stuck in the shelter looking sullen and sniping at each other. El is trying hard to push the vote on Flick, because hurt feelings. The rain lets up a little and Flick tries to pull Kristie away. Lee gets all huffy about how they need to leave the poor girl alone. He literally says “leave the poor girl alone.” It’s like Redemption Island Boston Rob if Boston Rob was a pretentious moron who believed his own bullshit but also could grow facial hair.

From there on out it’s just people getting jabs in at each other. If there was any content here I totally missed it.

At tribal council, everything is out on the table. Jonathan asks El how she plays the game, and she says she tries to do it with emotions off. This is a missed opportunity for Flick, who needs to work the jury and probably could have done something for her shaky reputation by interjecting with an impression of El’s self-righteous hissy fit. Kristie is asked about her emotions and does her best impression of hyoo-mahn speech rhythms. El says she respect’s Flick’s move (which is really obviously a lie) but she’s never betrayed anyone. And now it gets fun, because Matt, of all people, manages to step in and absolutely clown her with a recital of his slow journey out of the Saanapu alliance. It’s really too bad it’s not going to help him.

So we get a vote and it’s 1 Matt, 1 El, 1 Flick, then 2 Matts in a row. Matt does an adorable thing where he asks Jonathan to wait two seconds before snuffing his torch so he can take things in. Farewell Matt, you never really seemed to know what what going on, but at least you actually wanted to play the game.

“Episode 25”

Oh fuck this what is wrong you people? This one is gonna be short because what is there even to say?

We come back from tribal and everything is exactly what you would expect. Flick knows she’s on the bottom. Everyone is directed to tree mail, where they’re told to look for a feast basket, because screw it, we’re throwing everything at the wall, so why not have a three days from the end feast. We’ve got too much time to fill, anyway.

So there’s shots of them boiling a chicken intercut with talk about the game that seems like it happened days before. The situation is clear – Flick wins, or she goes home.

Immunity challenge. It’s kind of a second chances challenge, except none of these things are things that any of these people were bad at, and, in fact, the first part is something Lee destroyed at. Lee gets out to an early lead on the obstacle course, but Flick and El catch up to him on jailbreak, and El is first to solve the puzzle, winning individual immunity.

Back at camp, Flick knows she’s probably the target. I think she tries to rally people for a minute, but it doesn’t seem to matter. Let’s cut to tribal.

Immediately Flick is all over what’s going on. She calls out El, who straight up admits that she wants to take Lee to the end. Lee hedges, because he’s a dishonest moron, but a little prodding gets him to admit he feels the same way. Flick lays out the stakes. Kristie can go with her, vote for Lee and let fire decide, or she can try to beat Lee and El in the final immunity. Kristie suggests she’s thinking about the latter option, and Assistant Dragon Slayer has helpfully posted the jury’s reaction that idea in the comments.

So the votes come in and it’s all in on Flick, with her voting for Lee. Kristie says not to worry, and Kristie, because she’s gonna win final immunity, and Kristie, Flick isn’t worried, she didn’t care about your game, she did this to help herself. Nobody is as impressed with you as you think they are.

I guess we’re limping towards the end. I have one more episode to watch that will hopefully happen tomorrow, but I’m just gonna go ahead and unembargo the finale. No spoiler tags needed, everyone just discuss what happened.”