It’s that time of year again where the tragically-uninformed about movies John learns, in most cases for the first time, the names of the movies nominated for a Best Picture Oscar. Using this newly gleaned information and his general cynicism over what gets nominated by the Academy, he tries to guess the plots of the nominated films.

And the nominees are…

Andy:
Okay, no sense in easing into this. Let’s start with Jojo Rabbit.

John:
I love that this title gives me nothing. I had a strategy this year of trying to guess that the titles would be more metaphorical or something, but this…this won’t work.

This isn’t a children’s movie, is it?

Matt:
no comment

John:
It has a children’s movie title, but I feel like the Oscars rarely recognize movies for kids.

I’ll say this is some “inspired by Of Mice and Men” story, wherein the protagonists are two brothers, and the large brother has a rabbit named Jojo?

Does this title relate to the actual movie at all? I’m betting it doesn’t. Like there was zero way I could’ve guessed this.

Andy:
And what do they do/think/represent? Why a story about them?

John:
Oooh, metaphor.

The small brother is the #MeToo movement, trying to lead the larger brother- the general population- to a more enlightened place. But naturally, the larger brother just snaps the neck of the rabbit (women) because society sucks.

Matt:
Wow. Dark, John.

Andy:
Not dark enough!

Brad:
To be fair, John’s plot does sound like a 2023 best picture nominee

John:
It’s gonna actually be like Giant Fish Fucks Woman Part 2, right?

Andy:
Tell him Matt.

Matt:
Jojo is the name of a German boy in WW2 who discovers his mother is hiding a Jewish girl in the attic.

Oh and Jojo has an imaginary best friend. That best friend? Hitler.

John:
Wait, really?!

Andy:
How did you not get this?

John:
IS THAT THE REAL PLOT?!

Andy:
It really is.

Matt:
(thank you for letting me tell him)

Brad:
This is why we play the game.

John:
It’s a movie about a boy snitching on his mom to Hitler?

Andy:
I mean, no spoilers. But Hitler is imaginary.

Matt:
No, Hitler is his imaginary best friend.

Andy:
Good clarification. The Hitler in this movie is imaginary. Hitler… is not.

John:
Like he wishes actual Hitler was his friend?

 Andy:
No, he talks and interacts with an imaginary Hitler. As one does.

John:
It’s like going on Reddit.

Matt:
You know how in a movie a child might have an imaginary best friend that is say, a giant rabbit? Well that, but Hitler.

John:
Giant Rabbit Hitler would’ve been a better name for the movie.

Brad:
Hitler is not a rabbit.

John:
Although I feel like I might’ve gotten closer with my plot guess.

Brad:
Jojo’s rabbit and imaginary Hitler are distinct.

Matt:
John is struggling to understand what this movie is about. Can’t imagine why.

John:
Oh yeah, like this is on ME.

Andy:
Alright, let’s go for an easy one that I suspect you know so let’s get it out of the way.

Joker.

Sigh.

John:
Oh shit. I honestly figured I wouldn’t know any from this year, since I’m only really aware of the plot to superhero movies through you guys discussing them.

Joker was about how actually the real villain is society for being mean to the Joker and not giving him enough love and sex, such that he’s justified in killing others.

Emma:
Have any of us actually seen Joker?

John:
I assume you’re asking others.

Emma:
Right

Matt:
I have not.

I know Andy hasn’t.

Brad:
I have not.

Andy:
I haven’t but… sigh… will now.

John:
Please let me know what your new Reddit incel accounts are after you watch.

Andy:
Anyway, John is now 1 for 2. Let’s move on.

Marriage Story

John:
Oh! Some guy punches a wall!

Matt:
Why?

Andy:
I’m tempted to give points?

John:
For the meme.

Brad:
That’s not a plot Andy

Matt:
I want to hear his answer to why

John:
Why does he punch the wall?

Matt:
Yes.

John:
The memes are all over the place as to why.

Matt:
Forget the memes, focus on the movie.

Brad:
And frankly, I’m amazed you saw the memes but can’t dig deeper.

John:
He punches the wall because he finds out she’s cheating on him. I’m thinking this isn’t very deep.

Brad:
I mean, I know how many points I would give.

Matt:
I’m thinking he doesn’t get points.

Brad:
Agreed.

John:
Andy’s going to back me for half a point here.

Andy:
1.5 out of 3

John:
YESSSS

Andy:
A half-point for vague awareness!

Matt:
Of the meme!

But fine.

Brad:
This is setting a bad precedent.

Matt:
Wait, Marriage Story is about a couple getting a divorce.

John:
Oh yeah, explain Marriage Story.

Matt:
I don’t think there is any cheating though.

Brad:
There is cheating.

Matt:
I meant she didn’t cheat.

Andy:
Doesn’t count when the guy does it. (According to Matt).

Emma:
ScarJo and Adam Driver are getting divorced and it’s bicoastal and they have a kid. So it’s v complicated.

John:
Add on that extra layer of interracial marriage and it gets even more complicated.

Andy:
I still think “A marriage goes bad so the guy punches a wall” gets it done.

John:
Andy out here lowering the bar for a fellow white guy like a true ally.

Matt:
He just said some guy punches a wall!

Andy:
It IS titled Marriage Story.

Matt:
Anyway, fine. Half point.

Andy:
1917

John:
1917 has to be a WWI movie.

Andy:
Do we need more than “it has to be about World War I”?

I say we do!

John:
Must we have a war movie every year? Do the Oscars never tire of war movies?

Andy:
Never.

John:
Ok, it’s Saving Private Ryan, but WWI.

Matt:
I’m gonna count that.

John:
Fuck yeah!

Emma:
Close enough.

Andy:
Remarkably close, really.

Emma:
Even though PCHH explicitly says it’s not Saving Private Ryan, but I think they meant more in terms of violence than plot.

John:
Now let’s move on to Lady Fucks a Fish Man Part 2.

Matt:
Two British soldiers are given orders to cross into enemy territory to deliver orders to stop an advance and save a lot of lives. One of those lives is the brother of one of the soldiers.

John:
Holy shit! That may as well be Saving Private Ryan.

Andy:
I’m rethinking giving him that half point.

Matt:
See! Let’s get to the end and we’ll re-litigate it.

Mark:
This is actually educational for me as well.

John:
Gonna laugh when I break my record in a year where I should know the least nominees.

Andy:
2.5 out of 4. Do I let him run up a lead here, or throw in one to crush his momentum?

Mark:
CRUSH IT.

Matt:
Crush. But save the big gun.

Andy:
Ford v Ferrari

Matt:
Perfect.

John:
Cars, but with the Ford as Lightning McQueen against the Ferrari as…whoever the bad car in Cars was?

Andy:
NO POINTS

Matt:
I have never seen Cars so I couldn’t even judge.

Andy:
(I’ll be honest, there have been years where I might have given points here. But I have no need for consistency).

Matt:
An engineer and a race car driver work to build a Ford car that can compete against Ferrari in Le Mans (in 1966).

John:
I can’t be that far off. It’s definitely about the cars.

Matt:
It’s come to my attention that John’s answer on Ford v Ferrari is closer than we want to admit. Lightning McQueen is modeled off the same Ford vehicle and there is a rival Italian car in Cars 2 that is a Ferrari.

Andy:
Ah fuck. Half point.

Matt:
I mean it doesn’t have the engineering angle or the real life angle, but it is closer than we wanted to admit.

Andy:
The judges have determined that John gets a half point for Ford v Ferrari

But… he has lost his half point for “a guy punches a wall”!

Tough break.

John:
You bastards.

I’m an imaginary Hitler away from being like 3 for 4 here.

Matt:
You are 2.5 for 5

John:
Math is not my strong suit.

Andy:
Let’s see how much John has been paying attention this year. Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

John:
Oh! I know that’s a Tarantino movie.

Matt:
Not the plot, but correct.

John:
So it’s probably some sort of revenge porn with a reason to use lots of racial slurs.

Andy:
Go on…

John:
I’ll say it’s about a blacksploitation star who is down on his luck because he got screwed over by studios and barely got paid for his work. So now he’s barely scraping by as a server in a restaurant, and then he gets involved in some kind of plot to kidnap a Hollywood big time that helped screw him over.

Andy:
No points! But I like that you stretched yourself creatively here.

Matt:
Yeah, big swing.

John:
If that’s not this movie, that’s Tarantino’s next movie.

Andy:
Also, I was slightly worried you might remember us talking about it but was counting on your inability to do so.

John:
I do remember you all mentioning that you’d seen it (which is how I remembered that it was a Tarantino joint), but nothing else.

Andy:
That said… revenge porn is involved in this film. I don’t think any convenient uses of racial slurs tho.

Matt:
Okay, so its basically about a down on his luck actor (played by Leo) and his stuntman buddy (played by Pitt) as they kinda go about a few days in their lives set against the backdrop of the Manson Family murders.

John:
Man, Tarantino really just has the one thing.

Andy:
2.5 out of 6. This feels better.

Alright, I think he’ll get this one: Little Women.

John:

I’ve now learned how the movie doesn’t end, at least.

Andy:
Say it, John. Say it.

John:
They were no longer little girls. They were little women.

Matt:
I’m counting it

Andy:
HUZZAH

Let’s move on.

John:
It’s got to be some kind of coming-of-age story, right?

Emma:
Okay with that I think we do need him to summarize the plot, because he clearly doesn’t actually know the story

Matt:
Yeah he is undoing the good work he had done.

Andy:
He sold past the close.

Matt:
How many little women are there John?

John:
I’ll guess that it’s a family of several sisters, and they are all at various stages of widowed/married/marrying/courting. There are 4 sisters total.

Matt:
Again I’m saying close enough.

John:
Fuck yeah.

And at the end, of course, they are little women. When we started, though? Little girls.

Matt:
He got the number of sisters, he knew they were sisters, he knew it was coming of age, any objections?

Andy:
No, this counts.

Look at John, going for extra credit.

John:
I legit thought I was going to talk myself out of points there.

Emma:
Yeah that’s fine. The widowed part isn’t right, but oh well.

John:
Details. Her husband probably dies eventually. Like after the book ends.

Matt:
Can I give  a plot spoiler?

John:
The book’s been out for like a century, so…yes?

Matt:
Widowed is kinda like dead.

Emma:
It is not.

Matt:
It deals with death!

Mark:
Not for the widow.

Andy:
Yeah, John forgot another relationship a woman could have with death.

Matt:
Classic John.

John:
I assume all women are immortal.

The armor-est of plot armor.

Andy:
Next up: The Irishman.

I’m excited where this could go.

John:
Oh, this is a Scorsese(?) thing.

And it’s very long.

Matt:
That’s not a plot.

John:
Like all I know about it is that everyone says it’s a marathon.

Andy:
We’re starting to see what kind of knowledge penetrates his world tho.

John:
And he always does gangster movies, so it’s definitely that.

Matt:
Gonna need a little more

John:
And since it’s The Irishman, it’s going to be around the time of mass Irish immigration here.

And it’s an Irish guy that comes here and faces rampant discrimination, so the only way he’s able to get by is through crime. And he becomes a crime boss known as The Irishman.

Matt:
No.

But you did almost guess the plot of Gangs of New York.

John:
Is that one of his other movies?

Matt:
Gangs of New York is Scorcese.

John:
So the only reason I’m wrong is that he’s already made that movie.

Andy:
Right. Come to think of it, Maybe Gangs of New York should’ve been named The Irishman and vice versa.

Matt:
haha

I mean there is a very specific reason the Irishman should not be called Gangs of New York.

Emma:
So Robert DeNiro is apparently Irish but because a hit man for the mafia I guess and his daughter sees him beat up a store owner for being mean to her so she stares at him a lot for the rest of the movie. He ends up working with/becoming friends with Jimmy Hoffa and then we find out at least what this guy says happened to Jimmy Hoffa and I don’t think I should say the rest?

Matt:
I mean i think we all know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa. But fair.

Emma:
Jimmy Hoffa is Al Pacino, Peci plays a high-up mafia guy, and Ray Romano is in it.

Andy:
That was a long summary. Which, fits I suppose.

Matt:
Also its a Philly based mob family. Hence why no Gangs of New York.

Andy:
Those are basically the same to me.

Matt:
Andy, be careful now.

Mark:
Matt’s gonna fight you.

John:
How old do Pacino and DeNiro have to be before they age out of gangster roles?

Mark:
Funny you say that John

John:
Are they at least family heads at this point?

Matt:
They de-aged them in the movie

Andy:
John. Death will not stop them from doing this.

John:
They’re not women, Andy. They can die.

Emma:
Also I pretty explicitly said Pacino was not playing a gangster. But yeah with hologram technology now this will probably never end.

John:
True. He’s notoriously straight-laced and by-the-book Jimmy Hoffa.

Mark:
Great now we’ll get a Tupac movie.

Emma:
Wow, Poetic Justice erasure.

John:
Yeah, how dare. He had a thing with Janet Jackson! (I think? That movie is really old.)

Andy:
It is. Also, not Tupac’s best movie.

Matt:
Should we move on to the last best picture nominee?

Mark:
Yes

Emma:
yes

Andy:
No, this is a Tupac movie thread now.

John:
At last!

Andy:
John: describe the plot of Above the Rim.

John:
This is dumb and bad, but I always get Above the Rim confused with White Men Can’t Jump.

Andy:
Hint: it’s the one without white men jumping.

John:
I feel like Tupac himself didn’t ball in that one.

Like maybe he was the friend of the baller? Am I thinking of Hoop Dreams?

Andy:
This is a disaster.

John:
How were there so many old ass basketball movies around that time?!

Andy:
Anyway, Matt has been waiting since he got out of the theatre to read you guessing what Parasite is about.

John:
I feel like that has to be this year’s Fish Guy Bangs a Human Lady movie, then. Which is crazy, because how the fuck was Imaginary Hitler not that movie?!

Matt:
I am vibrating through my chair with anticipation.

John:
Knowing that, it’s gotta be something super weird.

Mark:
The anticipation is killing me.

John:
A lonely widowed scientist develops a drug that will bring her dead husband back to life, but the drug somehow gets tainted by a rookie researcher in her lab. But the husband comes back to life, and he’s like a zombie/killing machine/evil thing.

Matt:
Goddamn the one time he didn’t go for the metaphor!

Emma:
Oh hell yeah. I told you he wouldn’t get it!

Matt:
I thought there was an outside chance!

Andy:
He kept waiting for Hollywood to make this movie, then gave up hope.

Matt:
Seriously he has guessed this movie every year. I mean he has guessed what Parasite actually is many times before.

A lower class family scams their way into various jobs with a rich family (tutor, housekeeper, driver, etc).

John:
If this is finally the movie where “the parasite” is just some poor refugee trying to get into this country and gets actively attacked by Trump supporters I’m gonna be so pissed.

Mark:
Also it’s Korean.

Matt:
Yes its Korean.

It’s all about class and greed.

John:
Oh, it shames the nice rich people who were generous enough to give the poor people jobs? Typical Hollywood!

Matt:
haha

Also, again, not Hollywood, it’s Korean.

John:
Just realized after typing that that you’d just told me it was Korean.

Dammit.

Matt:

I want to add one more that wasn’t nominated for fun

John:
Wait, does this mean Knives Out isn’t nominated? I was so excited to tell you that I knew that movie was about handsome men in sweaters!

Matt:

It was not nominated for Best Picture.

Andy:
The memes are informing John. Poorly.

Matt:
Anyway John, for extra credit: Uncut Gems.

John:
Oh, I have some small amount of info about this. I know it has Adam Sandler. And I know it’s about jewelers. In NYC, maybe?

Matt:
Good good. Go on.

John:
That’s about the extent of what I know, so I’ll add in that Adam Sandler is a jeweler that hires people to break into the shops of other jewelers and then has the thieves give him the jewels, such that he can sell them through his own shop.

Alternately, it’s about a jeweler with a drug addiction.

Matt:
Latter guess was close. He has a gambling addiction and a centerpiece of the movie is him gambling on KG in the playoffs. KG guest stars in the movie as himself.

I’m amazed you knew what you did about the movie and didn’t know about KG!

John:
What I knew I learned from NPR, and they aren’t sports nerds. They’re more traditional nerds.

So what was my final score?

Andy:
3.5 out of 9.

Matt:
Respectable

John:
For a year in which I saw none of the movies and had done a better-than-usual job of avoiding information about them, that’s not bad!

Andy:
For the record, you may have kept your points if you’d ever said “a movie about a failing marriage” while talking about a guy punching a wall.

Matt:
Yes agreed.

John:
Failing marriage, but successful wall-punching!