Each week, I’ll be analyzing how well the second chances of various Survivors are going. I’ll be paying particular attention to their spectacular failures, and giving out an award I made up.

John is a nerd on the internet who has never been on Survivor, but has been podcasting about Survivor since 2013. This season, in The People’s Survivor blog, he will blog about his experiences as a Survivor viewer. Follow John on Twitter @purplerockpod.

“I like to call it my dumb ass girl alliance.” – Russell Hantz, Survivor: Samoa

“Hi, I’m Kelley Wentworth, and I just idoled Savage out of Second Chance.”

Nice to meet you Kelley, I’m John, and I watched Savage’s Ponderosa video like five times. So thanks! I enjoyed it so much I even watched Wiglesworth’s Ponderosa video hoping to see the further adventures of Savage and Kass, Tipsy Morning Show Hosts. Alas, Wiglesworth’s Ponderosa video was mostly about Wigles. How disappointing.

Lots of failure going around on this episode, though, so let’s get to this week’s Dead Fishy nominees.

Circling the drain

Nominee #1: Knowing your audience

What she actually said:

Ciera: If you go to the end with Jeremy, you don’t win.

What should have been added:

Ciera: Oops, sorry. I didn’t see you sitting there, Spencer. You might be ok. The rest of you are doomed, though.

Then later…

What he actually said: 

Fishbach: We can’t keep playing from the bottom like this, let’s shift the game.

Spencer: Honestly, are we on the bottom?

Fishbach: Yes.

What should have been added: 

Jeremy: “We” meaning you and Spencer? Do you see me standing right here? I’m about to call my coworkers, because I’m on fire right now.

Nominee #2: Stephen Fishbach

It’s time for the weekly review of the dumpster fire that is Stephen Fishbach’s second attempt at Survivor. And it all starts with his first confessional, where he quotes MacBeth to describe the three women that took out Andrew Savage last week. Since apparently we’re calling them witches, Fishbach quotes the witches from that play: “Double, double, toil and trouble.” Kelley is “trouble” because she played an idol. Ciera is “toil” because she’s working it. And Abi-Maria is a double-double because…she’s a hamburger from In-N-Out?

Actually, Stephen decided that the quote was “Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble.” Really, Fishbach? LEARN TO QUOTE THE FUCKING BARD, BRO!

Next we move on to the challenges, Stephen’s personal showcase for abject failure. In the reward challenge, Fishbach was once again scolded by Probst for his ineptitude, this time for sliding down the slide too slowly.

But in the immunity challenge, the unstoppable force of Fishbach’s athletic incompetence collided with the immovable object of Spencer’s inability to ever obtain an advantage.

Somehow, Fishbach lost. (Wait, that’s not right.) He got to the buoy last. (Shit, that’s not what I meant. It’s been so long since I discussed Fishbach and any sort of success that I’ve forgotten how to convey that idea.) Somehow, Fishbach managed to do the opposite of losing in the race for the advantage.

Nominee #3: Kelly Wiglesworth

Thanks to Jeremy’s mention of Val on this episode, that’s now two players who aren’t even on this season’s cast that have been discussed more than Wiglesworth: JT and Val. The family members that come later to visit will likely have more screen time than Wigles, too. And this is from the woman that Rob Cesternino named as his winner pick.

We actually got a scene of people discussing Wiglesworth as if she wasn’t just background scenery this week; Fishbach noted that Joe and Wigles were bonding because they have a shared arrogance about how awesome they are. Joe and Wigles just got called arrogant by a man that spent over a week with Andrew Savage! That’s amazing.

But more importantly, that conversation Fishbach had about Wiglesworth was to discuss voting her out. Which is what he and five others eventually did. Alas, Kelly, the tribe has spoken. Unlike you in virtually every episode this season. I can only assume you’ll approach the jury phase with as much passion and enthusiasm as you had for the game itself. I’m already imagining your possible jury questions:

• “I’m thinking of a number between one and a hundred thousand. And I’m thinking of that number because that’s how much I’m being paid to be a part of this season. I have no questions for you all.”
• “My vote is entirely based on who did the most at camp, because starting and maintaining a fire is what this game is all about.”
• “Let it be as it is in nature: Let the snake eat the rat, after both of them have eaten Abi-Maria.”

Nominee #4: Kimmi Kappenberg

What’s with the witches thing? We’re going to call the three women that you’re voting against witches? You can’t come up with anything better? Here are some other options I came up with just by thinking about it for 30 seconds:

• The “Some Other Species of Spider” Brigade
• Two Girls, One Chump
• The Outcasts

• Notorious K.A.C.
• Kelley and the Challenge Liabilities
• The Two Sane Ones and Abi

If you’re going to give a group a nickname, at least put some effort into it, Kimmi.

Nominee #5: Abi-Maria’s ass

First, Abi-Maria’s ass prevents Joe from finding an immunity idol when she runs up to him as he’s searching and claims she has to shit. And she has to shit right there. Next to tree mail. Which makes sense, because if there’s anywhere you want to turn in to your personal outhouse, it’s the place you need to walk to daily. To Joe’s credit, his first response to her is “Go do your thing” while he continues searching. Because really, he’s seen worse- he lived with Dan for a while last season. But he eventually gives in and walks away.

Since it’s Abi-Maria’s ass, it was always going to destroy someone else’s game; it’s still attached to Abi-Maria, after all. But then it turns on her and prevents her from beating Joe in the immunity challenge.

Nominee #6: Keith Nale

It seemed to start off well for Keith this week. He certainly looked like he was ready to bring his A-game.

But then…

Nominee #7: Jeff Probst

How Jeff actually looked at tribal council:

How Jeff should have looked at tribal council:

Nominee #8: Traditional gender-based stereotypes

Previous seasons: “Ugh, look at Dawn, falling apart about every little thing. Women are so emotional.”

This season:

Previous seasons: “I like to call it my dumb ass girl alliance.”

This season:

Previous seasons: Ozzy, Mike, and (pre-Superman-in-a-fat-suit) Colby dominate challenges.

This season: The hot chick is winning every challenge.

And the award for excellence in lack of excellence goes to…

Fishbach actually failed upwards this week, so he won’t be receiving another Dead Fishy for his mantel. Instead, the award goes to the woman whose lack of creativity in nicknaming the opposing alliance somehow managed to not only catch on, but get hashtagged on the episode. So Kimmi, this Dead Fishy is for you.