Ultimate Survivor Winners Bracket Champion – Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin

John

Congratulations, everyone. We have settled once and for all upon the greatest Survivor winner of all time. There will no longer be any dispute: Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin is our queen.

First of all, let’s acknowledge the path each of our finalists- Kim and Yul- took to get to the finals. Neither of them had a single creampuff on the schedule. Kim laid waste to Tyson, Mike, JT, and Tony. Yul vanquished Heidik, Todd, Parvati, and Hatch. Impressive runs for both of them. You may doubt their competition in the seasons they won, but they didn’t defeat any Bobs or Micheles or Fabios here.

But in the end, there can only be one. And it’s Kim, because of course it is. She’s not named Survivor Second-Goddess-In-Command Kim Spradlin- that would be ridiculous. Thanks to your votes, she shall remain Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin until at least season 64, the next reasonable season for an Ultimate Survivor Winners Bracket.

I suppose it’s redundant to finish this post with praise and pics of Kim, but when have I ever allowed that to stop me?

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You may remember that Kim crushed One World like an NBA star dunking on a bunch of schoolchildren. And Kim’s very few detractors will point to the lack of competition as a reason to give lower value to her win.

Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin, talking to one of her very few detractors (one that is also indicative of her lack of competition)

And look, I’m not going to claim that One World was populated with master strategists. Even the players they’ve brought back from One World were not brought back because they were good at Survivor– they came back because they were a garbage human, dating someone Survivor liked, married to someone Survivor liked, or because Survivor wanted to ignore America’s voting preferences.

But if you had to choose the players that could best be considered legitimate competition for Kim that season- rational competitors with a decent level of talent for making social connections- you’d probably say Sabrina or Chelsea stood the best chance against Kim, right?

They did. It didn’t matter.

You remember that bullshit Coach said in Tocantins about warrior alliances and taking the strongest competition to the end? Kim did that. Then she won.

And that, my friends, is how you become a Survivor goddess like Survivor Goddess Kim Spradlin, the Ultimate Survivor Winner.