Welcome to the first two episodes of Purple Rock Podcast’s (well, Matt’s) watch of Survivor: Nicaragua. Read my live blog below.

Episode 1 – “Young at Heart”:

In the intro Jeff says Nicaragua has resisted taming since the Conquistadors? Really Jeff? Bringing the Conquistadors into this? Too soon, man!

Hey, it’s Jimmy Johnson! I hate Jimmy Johnson! As an Eagles fan this could be unpleasant.

I like how all the opening monologues are about how much they dislike the look of someone else (except Brenda who is apparently single or was at the time this season was filmed).

Someone is named Benry? UGH this season.

Will Jimmy Johnson try to hide that he is obviously Jimmy Johnson and easily the most recognizable person ever on the show?

So they hiked out with ten random people and then they are going to split them up by age?

Hey we have our second Survivor amputee.

Marty recognizes Jimmy Johnson immediately, because again he is Jimmy fucking Johnson. He won multiple Super Bowls as the coach of the biggest NFL team of the 90s. (Editor’s note: Also the coach of the best college football team of the 80s. I loved Jimmy Johnson.) He is on the pregame show every Sunday before football season. He is massively famous in the US.

Brenda sees something hanging from the tree. It should be a snake, but it is the Medallion of Power. And Jimmy is already in coach mode.

Probst already going to Marty a lot. I mean A LOT. (Not alot though)

Wait the age division is 40 and older or 30 and younger? Good lord that is way too big of a gap.

Ok, Jimmy doesn’t hide who he is. Because, again, he is Jimmy fucking Johnson.

Trade the Medallion of Mysteriousness for fire and fishing gear? Yeah sure I’d do that. No idea what the dumb thing is. Bird in the hand and all that.  Also Medallions can be traded for goods and services.

Survivor really built this decision up as an act break? Really? UGH.

They take the sure thing. This might be the only smart decision of the season.

I am getting a pre-merge Fiji vibe. That is not a good thing.

Oh god there is another Jimmy? This is a nightmare.

Jimmy knows what fans hate him most and he is damn right it is Eagles fans.

I always hate when people are like, “Oh I knew I liked you from first look” because it is so dumb. Remember RC and Abi?

This is a lot of time with the older tribe… what does that say about the young tribe?

Wait, how many farmers are on this season? Two? More?

Starting fire early on has nothing to do with winning but I always do find it weirdly impressive.

So our intro to the young tribe is Fabio hurting himself repeatedly. And people are just calling him that to his face. Okay, that got an actual laugh from me.  I had always assumed it was a nickname he came into the game with.

Wow, Shannon. What a pleasant human being. Oh no, women run marriages and soon they could even be president! The Horror! This is the face of the Trump voter.

Amputee girl (haven’t learned names yet) reveals to everyone what is going on with her being an amputee and all. (Editor’s note: This sounds like a Perd Hapley report.)

Oh man, Fabio is really a dummy.  Probably should save this to the clipboard, seems like it might be evergreen.

Shannon wants amputee girl out because of her story, NaOnka wants her out because… she is just a jerk? I guess?

Jimmy Johnson is already struggling. It is because he coached the Cowboys. Eagles coaches would do much better. (Editor’s note: Sure, Andy Reid could have made final tribal before he inevitably blew it in spectacular fashion. He’d run out of time with every question.)

Brenda used to cheer for the Dolphins, she says casually as she flirts with Chase. Subtle girl.

Wait, where did they find this clue? Just like lying around? And the clue is just a pictograph.

Hey, another person who has it out for the disabled person! Man, these younger people are just classy.

“In the gutter?” Is this a bowling challenge? Oh, the old people would dominate that.

Jimmy Johnson is giving a pre-game pep talk. It is awful. No wonder he coached the Cowboys. They barely won him two Super Bowls!

And the younger tribe comes dancing in except for Shannon and Chase who don’t give a shit.

Wait, there is another Kelly? Haven’t heard from her yet. I guess this is where the purple nomenclature started.

Tyrone seems the type to go way too hard and hurt someone in a challenge.

The Medallion of Power gives you a head start on a challenge. Okay, that can be big. But it basically just will never be used or always used.

“The younger tribe has a nice flow.” I guess the older tribe is all obstructed if you know what I mean.

Younger tribe wins. Shocker.

I like the conquistador helmet on the idol.  It isn’t offensive to the history of the area at all.

Jimmy Johnson: “I won a Super Bowl!” (That wasn’t really his confessional, but that was his confessional.)

Goat farmer girl is the other target besides maybe Jimmy Johnson. If it is Jimmy Johnson remember John’s theory of shine. People want the attention and spotlight and he steals that.

HAHAHA! Ok, this scene was funny. They all say they want to just be honest and talk about who to vote out and who they prefer, and no one wants to say it first, and they are all avoiding the conversation and just awkwardly standing around staring at each other.

“Most people on Survivor are born leaders.” Really, Jeff? Really?

Okay, I like Tyrone because of his deadpan/sarcastic “you look so young” when Wendy wonders why no one asked her her age and everyone else is like “you never ask a woman that.”

Yup, definitely Wendy. She interrupted Probst! He just gave her a death glare. And everyone is avoiding looking at her. They already made up their mind.

Say goodbye to Wendy. Wait, why is there a graveyard outside of tribal? That is super weird.

Episode 2 – “Fatigue Makes Cowards of Us All”:

This intro explained a lot that was really not necessary. Like this is a long previously on and it tells us very little. Doesn’t bode well.

“My ally got voted out, so I am going to go it alone and kick their ass!” Seriously? It’s been one episode, Holly! Just pretend you weren’t that close. It was the first vote!

Old people can’t sleep, amirite? (Editor’s note: Urrite.)

The old tribe has a morning meeting and Jimmy Johnson is delegating like this is his football team. Did you know he won two Super Bowls? (Editor’s note: And a college football national championship.)

Jimmy T doesn’t like Jimmy Johnson and I bet 80% of the reason why is because they are both named Jimmy. (Editor’s note: I’ll take the over).

Jimmy T seems like a Paul type. I bet Sharculese loves Jimmy T.

Sash wants to form a minority alliance of … three people? You need more people dummy!

Why do people think there is a challenge where they will straight up race? That was done once in the beginning of Gabon. And Gabon sucked!

Holly sees Jill making a funny face while eating snails, and thinks that they are causing her to have a weird reaction? Really? Like does she think snails have prions in them? That they are causing seizures?

“Someone made fun of me so i’m going to ruin his shoes!” Oh yeah this is classic winner behavior, Holly.

Wait Dan really spent 1600 dollars on alligator shoes?!? Really?!? Who spends that much on alligator shoes? (Editor’s note: Not alligators. They get them for free. Yes, good joke. Publish.)

Ugh this episode is fucking awful. So melodramatic.

Holly just straight up admits she drowned his shoes and does it in the weirdest way possible. Like literally the weirdest way possible. She leans over him as he is lying down, puts her hands on his knees and stares him down. I can’t even describe this crap, what even is this.

Seriously, what is this? (Though Tyrone provides some comedy with his “one eye on her, one eye on my shoes”.)

Oh, NaOnka has shoe (well sock) problems.

Fabio is the last to realize NaOnka is wearing his socks. Again, this dude is a fucking idiot.

“I can get loud too” THAT IS NOT YOUR LINE!

Jimmy Johnson is reminding you that he is a football coach. Hey Jimmy, did you win two Super Bowls? I haven’t heard about that recently!

A combined reward/immunity challenge is the time to use the advantage.

“Artificial leg not bothering her at all!” I feel Probst aimed that at NaOnka.

Did Tyrone miss at all? He didn’t catch one ball, but I think he made the throw every time.

Isn’t this the season that rained so much two people quit later on? Not picking the tarp may be really dumb. But they probably picked the fishing gear because they have a fisherman.

Jimmy Johnson wants to remind you that if an NFL player has a crisis, that same player will have another crisis in the future. Probably because he had undiagnosed CTE and you didn’t care for your players, you monster. Fucking Cowboys.

Wait, Jill figures out the immunity idol clue and instead of looking for it herself, she tells Marty? And then she just walks away? (Marty finds it and goes all Gollum on her.)

NaOnka sat out because she was setting Kelly B up for failure. And when she succeeded, NaOnka is like, “Well sure, but I still hate her because she is disabled.”

A classic post-merge game, pre-merge. “NaOnka isn’t a threat because everyone hates her.” COME ON THAT IS WHY YOU VOTE HER OUT FIRST, DUMMIES.

I know this vote isn’t Brenda or NaOnka. So where will this flip to? Shannon? Would they really do that?

NaOnka, I want you to remember the old saying. If you meet one jerk during the day you met a jerk. If all you meet are jerks than you are the jerk.

Another person calls her Kelly Purple! I like that better than Purple Kelly. Or at least it’s funnier.

If Chase is with them shouldn’t it be 5-5? I feel like I am messing my count up. Either that or people are gunning for a tie vote?

Shannon starts off shots firing at Chase, basically accusing him of all sorts of stuff. And Chase is just spilling all the beans.

Good mind game from Brenda turning all of Shannon’s anger back at him and stroking Chase’s ego at the same time.

Wow, Shannon. Class act. Accusing people of being gay as a defense mechanism is just… what the hell, man?

I feel that answer from Alina, which supported Shannon, means she will be the next person to go from that tribe.

“Brenda isn’t sitting here plotting.” Literally all we have seen is Brenda plotting.

Naonka thinks Fabio has something smart to say? The man has never said a smart thing in his life.

Probst asking NaOnka if she is complicated and her reaction is honestly funny. She is like a more stable, but more hateful Abi.

Kelly B wondering how to unify the tribe; oh that ain’t happening.

Fabio’s honest cluelessness might be the most appealing quality on this tribe.

Also Sash and Shannon in a figurative dick measuring contest. Even the guys that should be likable this season are terrible.

So yeah, it was Shannon (called it!) but where were the votes? And god that graveyard is still super creepy.

Wait, wait, wait. Shannon has been married for 11 years?!? Good lord, that woman must have the patience of a saint.

Ok, Benry and Kelly B. flipped on Shannon.

Closing thoughts:

So that wasn’t…too awful? I mean I don’t think I like anyone, and I actively hate a lot of people, but I suppose the episodes themselves could have been worse? Maybe? But usually after two episodes I am rooting for a few people. Here, Fabio is literally only played for comedy relief and he is one of the most likable people. Brenda is a plotter and played a nice mind game on Chase (who she has wrapped around her finger), but she doesn’t pop.  Alina is cute and seems not terrible, so that puts her in the upper echelon. On the old tribe… the Jimmys (plural) stink, Dan had 1600 dollar alligator shoes, Holly is this close to a breakdown (might be CTE related). Marty thinks he is smarter than he is, but honestly thus far he isn’t bad, and compared to most of his tribe he seems fine. I think my favorite on the old tribe is Tyrone, who is at least funny.

Also, we got to see two tribes engage in classic pre-merge play and post-merge play on the first two votes. Normally I would say the fact that the old tribe is more together would bode well, but damn that age thing is gonna be a killer (unless everyone starts using the Medallion every time, which I kinda expect).

Thus far on my scale of 1 to 5 screams, I give these first two episodes 1.5 screams. There are a lot of hateful people and no one I love, but I could have hated this more. Leaving myself room to go up!